Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: In a mirror probably unless new technology exists.
[interviewer thinking] holy smokes he’s good
My dad lied a lot. I was 17 before I realized the ‘Silver Table Cat’ wasn’t a real species, and that we didn’t own a pet, we owned a toaster
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HER: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because i get angry wrong?
ME: *balling toes* this is delightful
*6 holding a 5 hour energy*
“Look at this teeny juice! It didn’t taste good at first but I finished it!”
Go ahead, have kids.
Even though Janice had always wanted an extravagant wedding, she couldn’t help but feel putting toilet paper on the bridal registry was a bit over the top.
Just heard a lady in Target scream “WE DON’T BUY THINGS JUST TO BUY THINGS” at her kids and now I kinda wish she’d have a talk with me also.
Ever get out of the shower and not remember getting a towel ready but its there anyway?
Me: WOW. Look at those legs!
Her: Thank you.
M: They’d look great around my neck!
M: Wish I’d brought my saw.
[before pepper spray was invented]
Cop: *holds pepper grinder in suspect’s face* Say when.
My Bestie just got banned from Taco Bell. I cannot wait to hear this story. I have given table dances at Taco Bell and not got kicked out.
Just bought Colgate mouthwash ’cause it builds stronger gums and someday my gums might have to lift a car off a baby.