@SortaBad

My dad lied a lot. I was 17 before I realized the ‘Silver Table Cat’ wasn’t a real species, and that we didn’t own a pet, we owned a toaster

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@TheCiscoKidder

Harness the power of my dog’s wagging tail and we could step into a much greener future.

@SmartassChef

Most of my one night stands happened because they knew they would get a fabulous breakfast the next morning.

@hardlyrelevant

Me: (from the back of the ambulance) CHANGE THE RADIO
Medic: Sir you need to conserve your strength
Me: I AM NOT DYING TO A COLDPLAY SONG

@_Water_Baby

When you are having a new mattress installed, remember to hide your “toys” BEFORE the movers arrive.

@Adar79Angie

I’d make a horrible movie murder victim.When I hear strange noises in the night I roll over and figure, eh, they’ll work themselves out.

@simoncholland

There is no bigger warning of their behavior than my wife calling them, “your kids.”

@dtee83

Wife: Who is the prettiest of my friends?
Me: your mother, why?
W: Stop acting like you’re 12.
M: (thinking) I dodged that bullet again.

@fillthevacuum

Someone gave me a star as a gift. I’m planning on sprucing it up with some planets and asteroids and using it as a summer vacation spot.

@AbbyHasIssues

The cashier told me to have a good New Year like my purchase of oven cleaner and frozen pizza suggests anything else.