My dad lied a lot. I was 17 before I realized the ‘Silver Table Cat’ wasn’t a real species, and that we didn’t own a pet, we owned a toaster
![]()
You Might Also Like
You’re doing a 30 day cleanse? How dirty are you?
Start your day with the confidence of a 5yo who thinks he knows how to tie his shoes.
After looking at pics from before my 7yr old was born she said “You’re really not as young and pretty anymore but I like how you look now because you look like my mom.”
* I mean aww sweet but also hello back handed compliment. This girl is fierce.
I just referred to a toothpick as “one of those stabby things” sooooo no more dateline for me.
I never know at which syllable to stop when saying banananananana
I wasn’t going to follow you but that bible verse in your bio totally changed my mind.
7 came home to a “7” balloon on his birthday & asked “Why is there an upside-down L balloon here?” & I’m really excited because now I can spend his college fund on that tummy tuck with a clear conscience.
“You lie like a doge!” I tell my wife.
“So deceit!” I add.
“Very fraud!” I mention.
“Much fiction!” I point out.“Wow,” she says.
I like to play my cello on the beach, but I only know 2 notes and for some reason it freaks everyone out.
I have an important question about the movie CATS which will ultimately determine whether or not I see it:
At any point in the film does one of the CATS cats sit in a cardboard box that is a little too small for them
Bartender: what’ll it be?
Me: *pouring water on dino egg* we don’t know yet
Spring is coming – I bet the trees will be releaved.
[Wife comes home to find me with 6 dogs recreating the fountain scene from Friends]
Me: I can explain
Dog: Woof!
Me: Chandler shut up!
All panties are edible if you’re dedicated enough.
For Lent I’ve decided to give up my New Year’s Resolutions, now pass the Girl Scout Cookies.
mood
![]()
Imagine being The Sun and finding out there is an entire line of glasses devoted to thwarting your vibe
Me: i want a ferraro
Friend: ferrari?
Me: no just one
Me (holding two sticks of butter): now where did i put that stick of butter? hmm i guess i didn’t get one out. hey kiddo could you grab a butter
My Son (also holding two sticks of butter): i just checked the fridge. we’re all out
DOOO EEEET
![]()
boss: you’re fired for putting a curse on susan
me: ok
susan: [trapped in an oil painting for eternity] can you lift the curse?
me: sorry i don’t work here
Female fishermen should be called Broadcasters.
My 1 yr old only says the words “no,” “mine,” and “bye” and I tried it out and it turns out that’s actually all you need.
Roger Federer is a bit more than Rog Feder but is less than Rogest Federest
Got my daughter a one-dollar gift card to the Dollar Store and told her to get whatever she wants.
We have to ban straws to keep them out of the ocean, because a shark with a mouthful of straws can drain a human of blood in seconds.
Mozart at 6 years old: composing a minuet
Me at 6 years old: figuring out which marker is the tastiest
Godzilla was the first house flipper.
My son is watching Up, and asked if they tried to get a baby by having sex.
If I have to picture Carl and Ellie doing the nasty, so do you.