My dad likes to come to my office & tell the receptionist he’s my parole officer in case you were wondering how I turned out like this.
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My husband texted to let me know he unloaded the dishwasher.
Like, ok guy. If I texted every task I did, it’d be a novel. Settle down.
“Doctor, is the baby healthy?”
“Yes Kanye, and just so you know I was the first one to hold her.”
“Huh?”
*Ray-J pulls off surgical mask
john wicks are toilet candles
(First Day as an Interior Decorator)
ME: I’m not sure this giant cross is right for this space.
PRIEST: Again, this is a church.
hey 🙂 if you’re having a good day, i just want you to know that tarantulas can swim
Had a customer in tonight moaning that the tyre pressure machine was free but now we charge 50p.
I shrugged and said “that’s inflation” and he didn’t even laugh why do I even bother?
On medical forms I put down Elon Musk as my emergency contact so he can build a space catapult to hurl my body into the sun when I die.
I want my headstone to read “loving wife, evil dictator”.
This was maybe my favorite tweet of 2021
Shia LaBeouf always manages to come back into our lives at the exact moment we forget how to spell his last name
8yo: Geez Mom. Haven’t you ever heard of privacy?
Me: Not since you were born.
Cop:” So you confess to striking the victim with I must say, rather impressive moves.”
Me: “Mr Miyagi is my Sensai.”
Cop:”It is still considered assault though.”
Me:”It was self-defense, Sir!”
Mr Miyagi: “Anna San, they were smacking their lips and slurping on their salad.”
A spring loaded coffin can really put the fun back in funeral.
When you watch a movie and two persons kiss when they wake up, are you all awww, or are you a normal person wondering if two bad breaths cancel out?
“I can’t believe we’re selling this house. So many memories. Man, if walls could talk…”
WALL: “I saw you vacuum up your kid’s hamster.”
I tried getting my ducks in a row but 2 can’t swim, 3 have bad attitudes, and 1 could not pass a field sobriety test if his life depended on it.
[moth meeting]
Moth: I was thinking, since we all love the light so much why don’t we come out during the day?
Head moth: no, we fly into lamps until we die
It’s a beautiful sunny Friday and the only way I could be less productive is if I deleted my work from yesterday
I took off my shirt when I got home and my wife put her eclipse glasses back on.
Hey Paul Ryan, why don’t you save some first names for the rest of us.
I need a Valentine’s Day card that says, “Sorry we keep almost-divorcing during the pandemic.”
live long and prosper!
Give your Mom what she really wants today. Accept her Facebook friend request.
Heroic Misunderstanding
I opened the fridge door, but something inside slammed it shut. It’s going to be Uber Eats until we can move out.
Date: Lets break the ice.
Polar bear: break th-[shatters Coke bottle] BREAK THE ICE? What are you saying?!
D: I mea-
PB: THATS MY HOME LINDA
if I was a horned animal fighting another male for a mate and I lost, I would just go up to one of the females after and be like “I won.” They don’t even watch
Facebook: Adele is such an inspiration.
Instagram: Adele looking beautiful in her gown.
Twitter: Adele sounds like a chimney sweeper.
What one thing may cause you to snap so that you could see yourself committing murder?
<At same time>
Husband: If anyone hurt my chil-Me: Being forced to listen to jazz music — I mean, children. I’m going with the children thing.