My dad lost his job at the cemetery yesterday. He buried someone in the wrong plot. It was a grave mistake.
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Know your sleep disorders!
Insomnia = Can’t sleep at home.
Outsomnia = Can’t sleep in public.
Upsomnia = Can’t sleep in a hot air balloon.
Downsomnia = Can’t sleep sealed up in your friend’s catacombs.
As a kid I taught myself to read. My brother stuck a peanut up his nose so he could be an elephant
He’s married with 3 great kids and a home now & I’m alone on a beanbag with Taco Bell on my 23rd episode of Forensic Files in a row so obvi I’m still the one making better choices
“HULK WANT LOAN.”
Bank: “We can’t loan to people like you.”
“GREEN SKIN PEOPLE??”
Bank: “No, people who owe 2.6M in property damage.”
Finally, you get a cab. The driver is a golden retriever. You hop in and hope for the best
computer: choose new password
math teacher: algebra
computer: password must contain numbers
math teacher: algebraXY
Yes opposites attract, my husband dunks basketballs and I dunk donuts.
[ In bed, trying to find a cold spot ]
Ahhhh, there it is…
Wife: Get off of me!!
6: What are you making? It smells terrible!
Me: *literally just boiling water*
Library patron on the phone is furious that we’re holding her responsible for a DVD that she swears she never checked out and besides it’s such a stupid movie she didn’t even finish watching it.
When you die your voice gets added to the Big Bang Theory laugh track.
When a pair of scissors hear you’re looking for them
I just misspelled a word so bad that auto correct blew milk out its nose.
All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society’s way of preparing you for your driver’s license photo.
No son, you can’t go out with your friends. Tonight we’re installing Windows Updates, as a family.
[introducing my children]
…and these cuties here are the 3 times I tried sex
“I love Worcestershire sauce.”
“What’s so special about it?”
“It’s hard to say.”
“Stop stealing your sister’s imaginary hot chocolate” is not a sentence I ever expected to say, let alone saying it multiple times at increasing volume
I saw a car flipped over on the way to work and I was envious because they probably get to take the day off
The second date went downhill fast when I showed up with a scrapbook of our first date.
me noticing the blood pressure machine says keep arm still: cmon cmon cmon
guys im robbing a pharmacy with: we gotta go
[two women sunbathing in garden]
“It’s so nice out here”
“Where’s that creepy guy who lives next door?”
HEDGE “He’s away for the weekend”
My kid said a bad word and we ran out of soap, so I washed his mouth out with cilantro
[Pharmacy]
Me: I need 50 packets of condoms
Pharmacist: Somebody has a busy weekend!
*I wink*
*cut to me making raincoats for my pet snakes*
*speed dating bell rings
Me: Why are you breaking up with me?
I give everyone nicknames because using real names is for people who can remember people’s names.
“Beat up anybody you see drinking 7UP”
-first rule of Sprite Club
#JustToMakeYouLaughToday
Is my carry on stretching the limits?
Took three Ambiens and tried to call God on the microwave
I’ve been doing “CrossFit” every day for the last few years.
I cross my fingers and hope that some of my clothes still fit.
#SundayMorning #RubbishJokes #Fitness
Her: I <3 you.
Me: I… I sideways balls you too.