My dad lost his job at the cemetery yesterday. He buried someone in the wrong plot. It was a grave mistake.
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Is anyone else worried that software engineers with no people skills are teaching our future robots people skills
my toddler is screaming because I’m wearing earplugs because my toddler is screaming
Always keep an axe by the front door so I can give the other Jehovah something awesome to witness.
as i search desperately for my floor, panic rises in lieu of the elevator
I’ll never be arm candy. I’m 50,
best I can be is an arm sandwich
Bunnies are not the same as cats, but I dare you to tell the difference in a blind taste test.
excusing myself in the middle of a date to go to the bathroom and baby-wipe down my whole body. to keep it weird.
Parents: Are you eating well at school?
Me: Totally
*Eats sugary cereal for every meal from the dining hall*
I don’t do Botox anymore cause when I can’t make my angry face, people just assume it’s ok to talk to me.
A recipe for laughter
Good job with the heavy sighs, guy behind me, that should definitely help speed up the line.
The circus serves as a great analogy for marriage. You’re either walking the tightrope or holding a chair because you told her to calm down.
You look so comfortable in your own skin. Could I try it on?
Space Cat: *furious as he knocks items off of a shelf and they just float in place, mocking him*
COWORKER: how old is our boss?
ME: cut him in half & count the rings
CW: doesn’t that only work on trees?
ME: *over chainsaw noises* HE’S 38
If you hide 48 eggs and tell your kids there are 50 you can get a little nap in.
She was like “I’ll see you in hell” and I was like “omg I have a date”
I find old cables in my house that I know I should throw out but then I’m like ‘nah I better keep that just incase someone comes round with a nokia n95 and needs to connect it to a fax machine’.
If I don’t get an A for my daughter’s school project, I’m gonna be pissed.
Wife: I think I’m going into labor!
Me: *with a cold* Could you make me some soup before you go?
You had me at “she’s the one,” but lost me at “officer.”
If you ever suspect you might be in a horror movie just don’t do anything! Dont go anywhere. Sit down lol just take a nap
I still remember taking down that bullying 12 year old on the playground like it was yesterday. My Dad was so proud. Ah, to be 30 again!
When you go to therapy they should get to ask three people in your life what your problem is before you start.
mom: brush your teeth and put on your pajamas
me: mom i’m a grown man. i don’t need u telling me how to get ready for story time.
A strong person stands up for himself. A stronger person stands up for himself while bench pressing another person standing up for himself.
Last night a burglar broke into my house but I quickly popped open a bag of potato chips & hid in all that free space.
Waiter: May I take your order?
Yes, roll over and play dead!
Waiter: It’s not that kind of order.
Oh. Sorry. I’ll have the cheese sticks.
My wife bought us a sex swing, and at first I was like “cool”, because I thought maybe we were getting a giant parakeet.
[gets intuitive notification]
you know what, apple watch, I think I will finish that outdoor walk from 2011