My dad loves telling the story of when I was young I asked ”when is someone going to die, so I can move from the kids’ table?”
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[just meeting a new group of people]
My brain: say something cool and different
Me: HOW YA’LL GOT??
Brain: nice
A little boy just screamed down the tube carriage “if you’re happy and you know it clap your hands” and everyone remained silent. I love London
It’s awkward standing in line at the store and the 5 year old behind me is wearing the same light up sketchers
Just drank two 5-Hour Energy shots. Will I get 10 hours of energy? And why is that rainbow giggling at me? AndAHH MY SKIN IS ON INSIDE-OUT!
Texts from mom:
Thanks to the supreme court, now it’s not just women who won’t marry you.
Who called it industrial espionage and not being a thief executive?
Sex with me is like eating spaghetti with a spoon.
People who play golf don’t concern me nearly as much as the people who watch it
bewitching sea ghost seeks unwary sailor for fulfillment of ancient curse, maybe more
“When I’m dead, I’d like you to buy a $9,000 box and throw it down a hole.”
-Humans
“I’m sorry, but are you suggesting what I think you’re suggesting?” -Fun way to confuse a waiter who just suggested a menu item
me, angry: I’m LEAVING-
doorknob: nope *catches purse strap*
The Joker did a lot of horrific things but the thing I objected to the most was him bringing a date to his open mic.
Eating a slice of pizza is hard when you’re going through the car wash, without a car.
It was only a three dollar bottle of Chardonnay, but we partied like it was $19.99
When a child tells you that they have to go potty, you’re about five minutes from too late.
Best wishes to the local youths I met outside the supermarket today. They asked me to buy alcohol for their gravely ill grandfather whose dying wish is 3 bottles of vodka and a case of beer. I was happy to help. Please give my best wishes to your grandad, guys.
You smell amazing. Like a hotdog.
– Me, flirting.
when was the last time we checked in on the guy from Snow Patrol. is he still layin there
If you guys were impressed by the “but wait, it’s actually cake” thing, wait until I tell you about the guy I dated who turned out to be a Thanksgiving turkey
angel: whatcha making?
god: *pressing lion into grill with spatula* tiger
INTERVIEWER: what’s a skill you want to improve?
ME: to realize when someone isn’t talking to me
JOE: uh…Excel
Sorry I told you we should definitely hang out sometime and then didn’t answer my phone for 5 years
Me: Want some trail mix?
Him: That’s just peanut butter m&m’s and some ibuprofen.
Me: It’s homemade.
[lights 2016 calendar on fire]
There. Now you can’t hurt anyone any longer.
[wind blows calendar onto my coat; I’m engulfed in flames]
Officers asking me why I’m speeding like they don’t know people fast during Lent.
God has left this place
teacher: what did you do over summer vacation?
susie who was possessed by a demon in early july: *hanging upside down from the ceiling* mostly vomited swarms of hell bees at my mom in the hamptons
teacher: wow the hamptons? must be nice
Add some young bull sharks to your rich neighbor’s natural swimming pool for a little excitement