My dad loves telling the story of when I was young I asked ”when is someone going to die, so I can move from the kids’ table?”
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Oh that’s not nicotine stains on my fingers. That’s mustard. I don’t smoke anything besides ham sandwiches.
Hope you enjoy my new song, “Part of This Song’s Title Is in Parentheses (For No Reason).”
someone told me LA is shitty heaven and NY is fun hell and it makes me chuckle every time I think about it
I was definitely that mouthy preteen girl that told my dad’s girlfriend she’s just a girlfriend for NOW, while I’ll always be his daughter.
well, guess what, Brianne?
Happy 25th anniversary
Tell Dad I said hi
On our weekly family Zoom, my stepmom always says how pretty I am.
Today I replied, “I’m more than a pretty face.”
STEPMOM: “Are you sure?”
ME: “I have an elbow. Look.”
SM: “That’s nothing to brag about.”
ME: “It bends and everything.”
SM: “I’ve seen better.”
Trying to buy a house and the loan officer wants bank statements from the last three months but I’m too embarrassed to give them to her because I don’t want anyone knowing how much money I spend at Krispy Kreme
kool-aid man: you’re grounded
kool-aid son: I hate you!
kool-aid man: don’t you dare g–
kool-aid son: *uses door normally*
what did I do this weekend? saw 50 Shades Darker & coughed through the whole movie on purpose
“What are you going to wear today?”
Sunscreen and the weight of everyone else’s expectations.
The horror of being warned that the person you’re about to meet is “fine once you get to know them”
*seduces you by wearing a sundress
*ruins it by running in flip flops
When you said ‘till death do us part’ I kinda figured you’d go first
Whenever someone asks me “ what do your tattoos mean?” I just say “garlic bread” . The end.
Him: How close is the storm?
Me: Let me Google it.
*laptop blows away*Pretty close.
Called in, “I put the lime in the coconut and drank it all up.”
I’m laughing way harder than I should for this image.
Halfway through my stand-up routine I started getting heckled. The crowd shouted such insults as “This sucks” and “Stop it” and “Why are you doing this to us, Mom?”
What’s the proper etiquette for when someone cancels plans? Should I send them a thank you card?
Me: I wish I had a nickname.
Coworker: You do.
I never use “a lot” or “too much” butter. I use the right amount. Now, hand me my butter shovel.
My shower head has 2 settings; remove top layer of skin, or wash away sins.
[first day as a detective] I can’t remember where I parked my car
me: i’m not afraid of death
[2 mins later : stubs toe]
also me: OMG I’M DYING
not me looking down to google “why is my dog staring at me” only to look back up and see my dog barfing on the carpet 😑😑😑😑😑
Note to self:
Used VHS tapes do not make good emergency gifts, always go with stuff from the freezer.
When I’m in a plane that’s full of white people, my new favourite thing to do is to spot another Sikh and shout out loudly to him “Don’t forget our mission”.
[Morgan Freeman voice] Isolated from his group, this penguin will not survive
[penguin voice] Hey dude, I can hear you.
I went into my local bookstore and asked for a book on turtles. “Hardback?” The assistant asked.
“Yes” I replied, “with little heads”
Happy 14th Anniversary to skipping school to go see MacGruber & the lady asking us to see ID and then saying “nevermind, anyone who’s under 17 would be in high school right now and who would skip school to go see MacGruber??” We laughed along with her and walked right in.
For a hero, it’s pretty cool that Mario is just a dude who ignores his real job, does mushrooms and smashes his head into things all day.