My dad loves to tell this story ab how when he was a kid his family passed Carlo gambino’s house on the way to church and his dad said solemnly “someday that guys gonna wake up with a bullet in his head”
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[I find a mysterious note in kitchen]
“LEAF 1 MILLLION UNMARKD DOG TREETS N BAKYARD BY SONDOWN OR WE RELEASH PICHURES OF U PETTIN A CAT”
*sleepy*
*so sleepy*
*SO SO sleepy*
*brush my teeth*
WIDE AWAKE.
Have you tried locking him in your trunk?
Which one are you?
1. You have a healthy relationship to social media
2. You have seen every video on the entire internet
I tend to trust people who reek of garlic.
You can always gauge my mood by the type of animal videos I share: sweet puppy videos or a cat smacking the shit out of someone.
I can feel my cat judging me as I lick the spilt gravy off of her coat.
Fun fact: The worst time to suffer a heart attack is while playing charades.
It’s fine when farmers use souls of old plants 2 strengthen crops, but when I do it w/ ppl “I’m a witch” & “dear god she’s getting stronger”
11-year-old: We had a standardized test all morning.
Me: What was it testing?
11: My patience.
I like to take a store-bought cake to a potluck and joke that I made it myself. As if people could actually make their own cakes!
“Guess what!”
“What?”
“I went clubbing and did the Bus Driver last night!”
“Oh I love that dance move!”
“It’s a dance move?”
Parenting is easy, until those kids wake up.
My favorite part of the Bible is where Jesus gives money to the rich, tells the poor to suck it up and asks for Caesar’s birth certificate.
Verizon: your online bill is ready
Me: ok. for what
*eating a brick of cheese like a stick of butter, which I eat like a burrito, which I eat like an ear of corn*
*adds 50lb of bird seed to cart*
Acme online: people who buy this also buy
– bird-feeder
– giant mouse trap
– jet-propelled pogo stick
– painting fake tunnels for dummies
-first aid kit
– anvil
If you think swimming with dolphins is expensive, you should try swimming with sharks.
It cost me an arm and a leg!
Kids who were good at lying grew up to be meteorologists
doctor: I’m afraid it’s bad news
me: oh god
doctor: *hands me test results* you look, I’m too scared
Most guys that think they know everything about women usually lack one thing…. A woman.
I have to watch my thoughts carefully because I have no filter and just told a guy his shoulders look like they smell nice.
Hello Butterball Hotline? My turkey meows when I try to stuff it in the oven. What? Are you sure? Huh. HONEY THAT’S A CAT. TAKE IT OUT.
The sock thief who lives in our dryer has developed a taste for masks.
“Plumber kept hitting things with his head, attempted to climb INTO drain, took my coin collection, killed my pet turtle.
0/10 stars, would not recommend.”
– Super Mario Bros. Online review
Randomly screaming and moaning in agony is a great way to get a seat by yourself on a packed bus.
Colleague: Quick, the boss is on her way!
Me: That’s weird I swear that I didn’t hear her broomstick!
[filling out the date on important documents]
Brain: when I say June you write June!
Me: yeah!
Brain: JUNE!
Me: J̶A̶N̶ JUNE!
wife: [walks in door] so whats the big news?
-the baby walked!
wife: OMG where is he?
-i sent him to the store for an ice cream cake
NOOO NOT THE DUOLINGO BIRD ON THE GRILL!!!!
