My dad loves to tell this story ab how when he was a kid his family passed Carlo gambino’s house on the way to church and his dad said solemnly “someday that guys gonna wake up with a bullet in his head”
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After a series of bad choices I am inside two wolves
My husband surprised me by taking the day off. I guess today is the day he finds out we’ve actually had a cleaning company for the last 5 years.
oh you like bad boys? well sometimes i cite articles i’ve only skimmed
Kids too energetic? Make them go on a walk with you and they’ll suddenly be unable to move any part of their body.
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this big bowl of pasta, but the important thing is that I tried.
If I’d been around in France when Marie Antoinette said “let them eat cake,” I would’ve been like “wait a minute, let’s hear this lady out.”
Cop: Whatever you say will be held against you.
Me: TEDDYBEARS
Cop: Aww.
[spelling bee finals]
JUDGE: your word is “asterisk”
KID: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: *adjusts mic* yes
Every machine is a smoke machine if you operate it wrong enough.
*crawls back up a waterslide for 2 hours* did you say “go dudette” or “no not yet”
It’s like my racist grandpa used to say: “Good morning.”
That unrepentant bigot had many flaws, but cordial salutations wasn’t one of them.
Somebody needs to get my shit together.
“Lets all start wearing weird ’90s mom jeans!” – girls now
My husband asked what I wanted for Valentine’s day
Apparently ‘a night out with my boyfriend’ is not an acceptable answer
I think it’s sad that getting married is one of the only ways to guarantee somebody will be forced to make a speech about how great you are
My husband wants a fourth child. I hope his new wife will be good to my three.
[Cowardly Lion starts texting his ex]
WIZARD OF OZ: Ok wow, I gave you WAY too much courage.
Fun Fact: Baby powder’s ingredients include baby brothers and sisters who acted up.
If YouTube ever goes down nobody will ever figure out how to tie a tie again.
Catercrombie & Fish
god: [looking down at earth] let me see your binoculars for a sec
angel: [perspiring freely] promise you won’t get mad
I’m just a girl
Hiding under a bed
Hoping his wife leaves soon
Again
Shoutout to coughing on the bus. Haven’t tried it myself but seems really popular
My uncle was sitting alone at the table & I said “sitting with all of your friends?” And he said “yeah having a good conversation with your boyfriend.” I love the holidays!!!
DOG 911: what’s the emergency?
DOG: a boy threw a ball but I can’t find it
DOG 911: did u check his hand?
DOG: of course I checked hi—DAMMIT
Her: undress me with your words
Him: I just saw a spider go down your top
but like if you somehow manage to launch yourself to the ISS they ought to let you in? right??
asking for a friend
Growing up,
I knew my Mom meant business when she started yelling words I didn’t know existed.
WARNING: My kids were in the water all day yesterday.
None of them got out for a bathroom break.
Until further notice, Lake Michigan is CLOSED.
My kid: “Mommy, can you teach me how to pick a lock?”
Me, on the other side of the bathroom door: “No.”