Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

To make space in prisons, judges are now sentencing low-risk offenders to pick up a few things at IKEA during the week before college starts

13YO: gonna fire up the grill tonight fam? let’s goooo!

ME: *listening to the hail while lightning strikes the tree in the backyard*

13YO: wut?

[Enters baby room late at night]
*flicks switch*
[baby’s got a raccoon in a headlock]
“What the-”
DAD CLOSE THE DOOR THIS PUNK OWES ME MONEY

Kids should come with a “skip intro” button for their stories

Her: Wanna make a baby with me?
Dr. Frankenstein: Hell yes.

My friends are arguing about heating leftover pizza or eating it cold, and I’m over here wondering why they have leftover pizza.

[edits wikipedia so the facts i made up for my school paper work]

My 18 year-old was complaining about her job so I told her it’ll be ok she only has 47 years left.

*after 7 hours in a Chinese restaurant*
Me to waiter: “Actually, do you think I could have a fork?”

The genie sang that whole song about how he’s gonna be Aladdin’s best friend ever right in front of the monkey

I tell people my parents are divorced, but technically we lost my mom in a corn maze

I think it’s sad that getting married is one of the only ways to guarantee somebody will be forced to make a speech about how great you are

Asian women look 16 forever and one day out of nowhere look 159 years old.

I’m opening a healthy alternative all egg-white omelet breakfast joint.

I really think my “Whites Only!” restaurant idea will be a hit!

In 1978 my grandad tried to get a petition going to change the name of orcas to ‘seabras’ so the government made it illegal for him to ever talk about animals again.

I’m not fat. Just retaining cookies.

I don’t understand why the pediatrician runs hearing tests, all you have to do is open a tub of ice cream 2 floors away in the middle of the night and you can tell if your kid can hear

I thought I had a Twitter Crush but his wife thought otherwise

My husband said we should have one date night each month. I said, “Great! I’ll take Johnny Depp. Who do you want?”

The joke is on this spin class instructor.

My water bottle is full of Bacon Bits.

Online dating is like having your option to date anyone inside of a Walmart

[bank]

Associate: are you here to take out a loan?

Hitman: don’t worry, I’ll make it look like an accident

The five stages of camping:
1- Denial: “No, we’re not going”
2- Anger: “I hate camping!”
3- Bargaining: “If we stay home I’ll cook waffles”
4- Depression: “Fine. Whatever”
5- Acceptance: “This isn’t so bad. I don’t know why you were complaining”

Inside you there are two Durans. Both are hungry like the wolf.

At the disco last night.

They played twist. I did the twist.

They played jump. I jumped.

They played come on Eileen. I got kicked out.

Usually takes me two or three tries to correctly aim the remote at the TV, if anyone was thinking of challenging me to a duel.

Mowed the lawn yesterday with my shirt off and this morning there were 50 shirts left on my porch with a sign that said, “Please wear.”

I let a girl go through my phone recently so a colonoscopy really doesn’t scare me anymore

I quit smoking ten years ago, but every once in a while, I still enjoy a camel when I’m driving.

I text “just met my future husband!” to at least one friend after each first date, just to ensure someone has a cute anecdote to tell at our wedding