My dad : My mom :
Disciplined Graceful🤝
Me : Disgrace😭
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so a US company has to buy tiktok or the app will be banned??? Well folks, looks like we need to put on the best talent show this town has ever seen.
PERSONAL TRAINER: How’s your nutrition?
ME: *dipping my burrito into custard* Not going to lie. It’s been worse.
Oh you’re sick? Let me weirdly list every other person I know who’s sick.
To the guy who just sent me a Snapchat of him putting his ketchup in the refrigerator, well done. You’ve made a powerful enemy.
Instead of voter fraud, why don’t they just call it Electile Dysfunction?
5: let’s play the quiet game.
Me: okay
5: ready..? Start.
Me:
5:
Me:
5: whoever talks first is the loser.
Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world’s population.
Nothing like the door blowing off a plane to make us all appreciate a road trip
Me, to my dog who is throwing up at the dog park: Bro, you are being so cringe in front of your friends.
I put in an order at a deli. The woman helping me had a name tag that said “Kate.” While she was getting my food, another employee bumped into her. I said “Be careful. She’s very Deli Kate.”
They stared at me like I’d grown a second head. Well I thought it was funny…
I am extremely flexible & can lift my legs up while balancing in strange positions
Ooh yeah fellas, I can flush a public toilet w/out hands
13: Can I have the password for Amazon?
Me: Certainly, honey. Ready?
13: Yep
Me: I-N-Y-O-U-R-D-R-E-A-M-S
My kid: No, I have no idea where I left the remote 37 seconds ago.
Also my kid: Remember that time last year when you promised to take me to the playground but it rained, so we didn’t go because you never let me do anything?
How come it’s called an “engagement ring” and not kneel diamond?
Her birthday balloon sinks to eye-level and wanders the house all night like some evil disco ghost of calligraphy.
I vastly underestimated how many times my toddler would want to listen to Baby Shark on a cross-country road trip.
[Coffee line]
*Sees cute barista*
*Twirls hair*
No whipped cream please
*Sees his backward sunglasses*
*Drops hand*
Never mind. Load it up.
Wait for it…
This is *probably* the best villainous hair reveal in cinema history.
I automatically write off anything Donald Trump says because someone with that much money has no excuse for that hair.
How I flirt with my husband:
I’m about to go to Whole Foods, so don’t report a purchase of $275 for eggs and milk
me: I’m quitting, here’s my badge and gun
zookeeper: your what
Her: My husband is having an affair!
Me: Really? Who’s catering?
PSYCHIC: I can feel a spirit in this house.
ME: Is it saying anything?
PSYCHIC: Yes, your car warranty is about to expire…
EXORCIST: the previous tenant was murdered. You can see their ghost in the background of this photo
SPOOKY GHOST VOICE: oooomg deleeeete it
Warning to friends:
If you piss me off I’ll put a for sale sign in my yard and list your phone number to call for inquiries.
I always try to put some condom wrappers in my garbage so the raccoons that go through my trash think I’m cool.
They say never give up on your dreams, but I’m really starting to think I’m not going to be the queen of England.
Me: My therapist says I use sex for validation.
Parking garage attendant: Not here you don’t, pal.
I liked having a roommate because I could always tell myself she was sneaking my peanut butter & that’s why I went through it so fast. Then, I learned she has a peanut allergy. I’m moving out.
Anyone can be a hero:
Make a child smile
Rescue a kitten from a tree
Reverse Earth’s rotation to prevent an earthquake from killing your girlfriend