Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m wondering if other dogs are afraid of Saint Bernards. Not like dog fighting, but morally.

Fox canceled Cops. So I guess if I want to stay current on what my family is up to now, I’ll have to turn to Facebook.

it is time once again. all hail the thanksgiving tube

I’m happiest when people tell me “Don’t be a hero” because there’s absolutely no way I’m going to disappoint them.

I hate it when I’m eavesdropping and people aren’t talking loud enough.

are you a female guitar player with a breathy, annoying voice? congratulations Starbucks will play your music, no questions asked

COP: any drugs in the car

ME: no

COP: lol nerd

I’m a good person!

You can tell because I’m announcing it loudly.

[second week of being able to talk to animals]
omg you like food I get it

“I SWEAR I DON’T KNOW WHERE THEY KEEP THE TREATS, PLEASE, I HAVE A FAMILY”

I once found a deflated “Get Well Soon” balloon in a graveyard and there’s never been anything more representative of the human condition.

Nailed it!👇🏻🤣🤣😆

DETECTIVE: what do you think killed these two birds?
ME: [picking up the only stone near their bodies] idk maybe the bird flu.

My daughters persistence is one of her greatest qualities and it will serve her well in the future, I just hope it doesn’t kill me first.

One Oscars rule that I have is when you say “TO MY PARENTS UP THERE”, you should have to clarify whether they are dead or in the balcony

My flight did not give out free water so I asked for a glass of ice instead and documented the journey to a free water

Checkmate, Allegiant

(Boarding flight to Iowa)

9 yo: what kind of food do they eat in Iowa?

12 yo: corn on the cob

9 yo: what else?

12 yo: corn off the cob

I’d explain it to you, but I don’t have any crayons with me.

What if animals were injured in the making of a film. would it say ”Tim hurt one monkey… he feels bad.”

“Honey did you put a dead rattlesnake in my boot?”
Oh it died?

HOST: Make yourself at home!

ME AND MY CLONE: I prefer the lab, thanks.

Stop staring lady, I was meowing at your cat.

Parents, talk with your children about the importance of saving frequently so they won’t have to restart at the beginning of the level.

5 yo- can I roll down the car window?

Me- yeah, just don’t yell at that man.

[Patient room]

ME: …so that’s why I need to drain the abscess on your leg
PATIENT: What’ll it feel like?
ME: Honestly, it feels amazing & truly gratifying knowing that I’ve been able to help someone in a dark time
PATIENT: No, I meant for me
ME: Oh. It’s gonna hurt like hell

found a guy hanging out in an alley in palm springs

me: what kind of dog is that?

him: husky

me: sorry, *deep raspy voice* what kind of dog is that?

I’ll take your LEAST sexual soup.