My dad : My mom :
Disciplined Gracefulš¤
Me : Disgraceš
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What if I donāt take meds?
Dr: Depression
What are the side effects of meds?
Dr: Depression
What if I stop taking the meds?
Dr: Depression
āI think youāll like her. Sheās smart, funny, and a libraā
Iāve never met a libra
*is super disappointed when date isnāt a lion zebra mix*
Friend: how do u maintain your boyish glow
Me: [trying to keep down a mouthful of lightning bugs] I wish I could tell u
FRIEND [happily married]: Marriage is awfulā¦ I havenāt had sex in nearly a week
ME [regularly hugs freshly-printed paper just to feel a warm embrace]: Sucks to be you
Psychologists say that sleeping naked can help boost a personās confidence, but nobody in this bus seems to appreciate it.
Being trapped at Burning Man seems almost as bad as being trapped in a conversation with someone who went to Burning Man
I hope the mysterious food thief at the office enjoys the dog food marinara and Jello with my toenail clippings I made for him/her.
Thereās a kid on my nephews soccer team that thinks heās a dinosaur so heās just out there screeching and biting other kids on the field
I love my nephew, but Iām only here to watch VelociRyan
Helen Hunt but only when Helen hungry.
My toddler just introduced me to someone at daycare as her friend. Not sure how many friends would spend two days pushing you out of their body kiddo
Pluto wasnāt even a planet for a full year on Pluto. Do you ever think about that? No. You only think about yourself.
me: who wants to play two truths and a lie
guy who named the red delicious apple: me first
The first person to throw out bath water: Uh oh.
Iāve been training like Rocky lately *cracks Cadbury caramel egg, drinks caramel*
If I was a police sketch artist I wouldnāt listen to the victim. Iād draw a majestic gay dragon then flip it over and be all, āIs this him.ā
When Iām in a bathroom stall, please donāt yell āOh my God oh my God thereās a guy in here!ā Respect my privacy.
FUN FACT: baby penguins fit perfectly into a T-shirt cannon.
[GF comes home to find our son alone]
Where are you? I said to watch him like a hawk!
ME: [soaring 20m above w/ a beakful of mice] I AM
If I was stuck on Mars and had nothing to eat but potatoes, not sure Iād worry about getting home
Ha, I told my brother that carbon had seven protons and he believed me. He was mean to me when we were kids.
I take it personally when I let a car cut in front of me and then they immediately get into another lane. Come back you are with me now.
Oceanās 45:
The group gets bigger each heist
Itās too hard to keep secrets
Someone posts the next plan on Facebook
Everyone goes to jail
We all look like talking skeletons to Superman. Even his parents. I donāt know how that kid slept at night.
The movie āFinding Nemoā wouldāve lasted only 5 minutes if his mother wouldāve looked for him.
*intermittently glances at phone while placing order for 6 burritos so the Chipotle lady thinks theyāre for multiple people*
Youtube is the only place where youāll find people arguing about religion in the comments of a snowboarding video.
I got arrested for punching a mime and the judge sentenced me to six months of community theater
People who say that they donāt have time for my bullshit should wake up an hour earlier
I can still remember that one New Yearās Eve when I had too much to drink and peed in my neighborās bushes ten minutes ago
Psst, hey wake-up, why are there no Oreos in your pantry?