Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

the beatles really said “i am the walrus, i am the eggman” and the world was like “ok”

If I’ve learned anything from movies, it’s that if you are investigating something important and get shot, you have to leave the hospital, even though the doctors say you shouldn’t.

I refuse to check my engine when the light comes on. It will only keep coming on for the attention.

Day 4: They suspect nothing.

📸:

hoarder on TV: pls help me doc
therapist: of course. lets start by throwing out all these anime posters. we’ll take them to my car

Excel is weird because you never know you aren’t that good at it, until you are asked to do something you’ve never heard of

Blind dates are the best because they can’t see me stealing all of the food from their plate

[meeting at amc network]

“Okay so how can we make everyone in Walking Dead look like they smell even worse this season?”

Pandemic’s been going on so long quarantine is now quaranadult

The term “baby steps” is so offensive to babies. If you’re a baby, taking a step is the most impressive thing you’ve ever done.

I’m all for legalizing pot, but for fucks sake oral sex is still illegal in 18 states. Let’s prioritize, people!

Can you imagine if you were addicted to cold turkey and you knew there was only 1 way to quit?

[wife checking on me and the kids]
Hello
“I called the house, you didn’t answer.”
I went out.
“Ok. Well how have they been?”
How’s who been?

Have some fun with your life: before practicing your Kegals in a supermarket line, insert a squeaky toy and watch for people’s reactions

A spider crawled out of the head of broccoli I was washing and that’s what I get for not ordering pizza

I hope you get that part you auditioned for, that gig you called about, that job you applied for, the promotion you deserve, the all clear on the medical test you’re nervous about, the text from your crush, the acceptance letter from the school you applied to. Namaste.

Pi Day is just a fake holiday created by math companies to sell more math.

me: I can’t decide what to have

waiter: what about the duck?

duck: I’ll have lasagna

Not much, just measuring things in cups to annoy Europeans, what about you?

I like a baked potato because the name is the instructions.

I walk into the office for my new job and this is the first thing I see

medusa but her hair is an anaconda

If bowser kidnapped my wife, I would not be saying “wahoo” no matter how fun the jump was

Maybe you owe the rhythm some money and that’s why it’s trying to get you.

WE DON’T KNOW!

There’s nothing quite like a pissed off toddler trying to make her point by angrily storming away on a ride on ladybug

A person’s true character is revealed when the shrimp tray comes out at a party.

Dont be worried about your smartphone and TV spying on you.

Your vacuum has been gathering dirt on you for years!

Heading to the hairdresser after lockdown like

When some crows unintentionally come together to form a group, that’s called a manslaughter.