Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Facebook: see what my mom’s friends are up to

Instagram: see what my favorite celebrities are up to

Twitter: see what my fellow swamp demon hell spawn are up to

aliens are gonna be super confused when they show up threatening to overthrow our leaders and we’re all stoked and offer to help.

[audition]

Casting Director: can you do accents?

Me: *cries Britishly*

CD: oh very nice, excellent- anything else?

Me: *cries in Japanese*

CD, overcome with emotion: breathtaking… truly

I don’t drink blood to stay young. I do it mainly for the lifestyle.

I hate Apps that shut off your music when u open them like how fu****ng important do you think you are?

WIFE: It’s your turn to change the baby.

ME: Ugh fine.

[later]

WIFE: Why does our baby have a septum piercing?

ME: His name is torch now.

i’ll never forget what my Grandad said to me just before he kicked the bucket
“Grandson…
how far do you think I can kick this bucket?”

When somebody asks for directions I just say “follow your heart” and drive away.

When God closes a door, he opens a window. Our heating bill is outrageous & six raccoons got in last night. Please God, this has to stop.

“You will not marry him! He is not of our kind!”

But we’re in love!

“It is forbidden!”

*whale elopes with submarine*

Engineers: “okay, so we agree the space between the seat and the console will allow people to see what they dropped but never retrieve it”

It isn’t a real party unless some drunken idiot makes a fool of themselves by walking face first into a closed glass sliding door.

I’m fine by the way.

when I’m sound asleep Sunday morning and someone rings the doorbell

Increasing the amount of high fives I give my boss each day until he quits his job

Two guys in the airport bar are amazed a margherita pizza has no alcohol in it and they’re the reason you can’t leave bags unattended.

Monopoly gave me unrealistic expectations of how easy it would be to:
1) Find free parking
2) Join the property ladder
3) Buy my way out of prison
4) Get bank errors in my favour
5) Steal money from banks when no-one was looking

they advertised mcmuffins for only a buck

Me: I think you might have schizophrenia
Me: No I don’t

Yeah? Well the Bible also tells us that abstinence isn’t 100% effective, Mary.

bags with threatening auras

Absolutely no one:
8 yo: I’D RATHER BE RAISED BY DUCKS

When Dr. Seuss wrote, “Oh, The Places You’ll Go,” he did not consider how comfortable my couch would be.

Sci-fi is when Benedict Cumberbatch looks like this and fantasy is when Benedict Cumberbatch looks like this

*in court*

judge [belches]: pardon

me: thank you!

One time I ran into an old friend and she said “omg you haven’t met my baby” and i said “omg I had no idea” and the next day I went to her house with a baby gift and her baby was a goddamn cat.

“Are… are you sure you know what an elephant looks like?“
“Of course, why do you ask?“

Ok, imagine torturing someone

But, by torture, I’m just asking a person to get their pajamas on

And, by someone, I mean my son

#parenthood

Plans < cancelled plan < no plans < no plans, but knowing people totally want to hang out with you

fedex guy: here’s your package

me: thanks

fedex guy: sign please

me: [blushing] Pisces

If Usain Bolt ever becomes a zombie we are all screwed.