My dad : My mom :
Disciplined Graceful🤝
Me : Disgrace😭
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brain: cactus.
me: ok.
brain: touch it.
me: but it’s sharp.
brain: i know but HOW sharp.
How am I supposed to give a review for dog treats? I mean, my dog loves them. They’re just ok to me. A little chewy
When my 2 y.o. throws a temper tantrum, I suddenly don’t feel so bad about leaving her with massive national debt & a destroyed environment.
I’m an asshole.
Sent from my Apple Watch
Please can I keep him – he followed me home!
Who called it “asking for sex” and not “pitchfork”
[phone rings]
me: hello?
NASA: this is nasa. stop thinking about peeling the moon like a big orange and eating it.
me: [quickly hangs up]
I’m going to run errands, need anything?
“Yes, some new light bulbs”
Why, our current bulbs are too heavy?
“And a good divorce lawyer”
[devil’s first day on the job]
human: so i get anything I want?
devil: yes
human: and all you want is my shoe?
devil: just the bottom part, but yes
hr: and who should we contact in an emergency?
me: I guess me
hr: no, like, if the emergency involves you
me: that feels like even more reason to tell me
[Me being beaten to death w/ can of frozen veggies]
“Oh peas no!”
[WHAP]
“Why u bean like this?”
[SMACK]
“Don’t u carrot all?”
[CRACK]
this country is so goddamn polarized
He asked me to do something freaky in the bedroom so I stayed awake for two days
I’m not sure what my wife thinks I do in the bathroom, but I appreciate all her support
Cop: this whole crime scene is fishy
Cat Detective: *flashing badge* ok i’ll take it from here
Life is short. Beat it up and steal its lunch money.
This summer on ABC. In a dog eat dog world. We’re gonna see who can eat the most dogs
Me: I’m going to poop
Dog: Great I’m coming with you
My latest invention, spinal mascara, is creating a big backlash
[first day as a vet]
Me: ma’am I’m afraid your horse has some of the worst cancer I’ve ever seen
Her: um this is a camel
Me: a what now??
When I see how my boys have loaded the dishwasher I think, “Maybe their father is my cousin.”
A shower so cold, you call it by your exes name
You can pretend you’re a ghost at pottery barn, there’s no laws against that
We don’t have any sports this weekend. Everyone can sleep in.
The cat: Bet
Guessing game but it’s when you’ve bought so many things off amazon you’ve forgot what’s in the boxes being delivered.
Primenesia?
I put on my Godzilla costume, then go to the miniature golf course to beat up the windmill.
My best quality: telling it like it is.
My worst quality: telling it like it is.
announcer: now presenting hollywood’s most illegible bachelor!
audience member: you mean eligible?
announcer: [holds up picture of badly drawn stick man]
I’m voting for whichever candidate agrees to lower the price of printer ink.
one thing that could really “level-up” the experience of being a pedestrian would be if cars had some kind of feature that could indicate to an outside observer whether or not they were going to turn in a particular direction