My dad : My mom :
Disciplined Graceful🤝
Me : Disgrace😭
You Might Also Like
Who called them “homo erectus'” and not… Wait, that’s actually pretty funny. Good job guy who named them “homo erectus'”
Me: I’m just really tired, like, I only have enough brain power to think “where’s Kate Middleton?”
Therapist: Oh I haven’t really kept up on that
Me: OH HO HO
My boyfriend is trying to teach me how to play dark souls right now and it feel like when your dad is trying to do your math homework with you while you cry at the kitchen table
Now I know why women like guys with big hands…. so they can’t eat all the Pringles.
Well played ladies, well played.
Got to my dad’s house and he was showing me all the food he has for me to snack on and he goes “and I have a guacamole ball” what’s a guacamole ball you ask? well I will tell you. an avocado. He has an avocado.
I’ve never had a better karate instructor than a spider web.
i aspire to be the type of grandparent my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
A dating app where they just match you up with somebody with an identical credit score is yours
I have a new alter ego named Princess of Optimism. You may call me Poo.
*drunkenly sliding down telephone pole wearing oven mitts*
Cop: Sir? May I ask you what you’re doing?
I’m a sexy fireman, rawr.
True
I’m no fan of Smokey the Bear. He’s just the first step on the slippery slope to vigilantism.
Gave up watching The Punisher. First episode started strong with him immediately punishing a man, but forty minutes later he’d given no further punishments and I cut my losses.
Please pray for my friends’ 4-year-old. They found out today 7 minutes of his life wasn’t photographed or videotaped and put on Facebook.
NO I didn’t eat a whole box of Girl Scout Cookies. I just ate all the cookies inside it.
I just posted a selfie and people told me to get well soon.
Venmo is my favorite social media site. I love to see my boy Derek charge his wife for martinis
7yo: Is that you in the picture?
Me: Yes. Isn’t it fun looking at old pictures?
9yo: You look different.
7: Yes, your face was skinnier.
9: Your hair looks way better in the picture.
Me: That’s enough fun for one day.
I dug a small hole in the Earth.
I did a handstand.
Im wearing the Earth as a hat.
Well, I was having a good day until my son opened up his backpack & handed me a fundraiser envelope.
Instead of saying you’re gluten intolerant, just say you go against the grain.
[wedding]
“Anyone know why these two should not be joined in marriage?”
ME: *from back* THEY’RE DOING A CASH BAR
*priest drops bible*
Oh panic attacks,I thought you said pancake attacks because I have those all the time.
I still can’t believe Jesus was born on Christmas Day I mean what are the odds
Defeating imposter syndrome by actually being incompetent
are those your eyebrows, or did you headbutt a box of Sharpies
Check out this apple pie I made. Worked out real well.
I’ll believe corporations are people when Texas executes one.
[Swedish massage]
masseuse: *smashes meatballs into my back*
Turns out inside one of the IKEA sofa boxes was actually a marriage counselor.