Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[shopping for make-up]
“Excuse me, what will make my eyes pop?”
“I know exactly what you need.”
[boots you into the vacuum of deep space]

Genie: and for your last wish?

Me: I wish I could reverse age a few years.

*wakes up with a pimple the size of Australia*

Me: NOT LIKE THIS!!!

Apparently I have to stop yelling ‘dear god why do bad things always happen to good people’ every time my mil walks through the door

[meets a cute girl from Scotland]
“Ummm hi your people make fantastic tape”

Any new zombie movies that want to be believable need to include random people who walk directly up to zombies & get bitten on purpose because they think getting bitten will help them build immunity against being bitten. They also need to mock people trying to avoid being bitten.

Put a ring on it

my boyfriend invited the neighbors over for dinner “sometime,” so now we have to move.

who’s ready for the long weeknd?

Oh sure, a guy spends 3 days in complete isolation and when he comes out, they call him “messiah”, but when I do it, they call it “job abandonment”.

What did you think was happening when the #earthquake hit?

Exorcist: I’m here to remove the demon that has possessed you

Me: I didn’t call you

Demon: I did

Condiments that would be cute baby names:

Dijon
Sriracha
Cholula
Caesar
Aioli
Wasabi
Tabasco (Tabby for short)
Honey Mustard

Getting up early would be easier if we could keep our eyes closed.

Sex therapist: Try swapping positions tonight
Me: ok

[Later]
Her: Wanna have sex?
Me: No thanks

*Quietly opens a bag of chips during a job interview

I almost hit a deer tonight. But then he took back what he said about my mom and we hugged it out.

Back to having zero haters, feels good.

cop: *knocks on my car window*

me: sorry is the music too loud

cop: yes

me: *sets down bagpipes*

These supplements I was taking promised me a defined shape…they didn’t say it would be “melted candle”.

him, leaving for work: we still need to talk about your soap opera addiction

me: *walks away and stares out the window as the rain starts to fall* just go

ME: all of these expired do you have any newer ones

CORONER: no

Regrettably, we are forced to raise the price of our products and services due to the reason that we want to

Of course I’m not going to use my cat’s real name. Lord knows what all these internet perverts would do with that information.

Son: Mom, why are you always showing up at my school on chicken nugget day?

Me: *literally salivating* Here to see you, buddy.

My ex was saved in my phone as “the antichrist” until my children were able to read.

[Crime scene]

Detective: the victim was high af when he died.. you could say it was

*takes off sunglasses*

D: blunt force trauma

My kid:
With blanket – too hot
Without blanket – too cold

Under my blanket with a leg over my neck – perfect

KILLER [burying me alive]:

ME: I appear to be in… grave danger.

KILLER [calls the police]:

Why are all of these OnlyFans accounts following me? I’m not going to pay for your nudes, I can look at myself naked in the mirror for free

Horror movies don’t get enough credit for encouraging kids to pursue research at their local library

Her: If I get fat will you break up with me?
Me: No but you’re now just two more inane questions away from being buried in the garden.