Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

We’ve been working with 5 and 4 on being polite, asking how people are, etc. 4 apparently took that lesson to heart. We went into the mens room at the zoo, but there was someone in the stall. She leaned down, looked under the stall door, and asked “How are you doing in there?”

Friend 1: I do P90x to stay in shape
Friend 2: I just started crossfit
Me: Pssh, I just kiss my kids when they have a stomach bug.

Next time, I will just serve my guests pretty envelopes with the stories I’ve learned searching for a new recipe.

I like to sneak a donut into the salad bar so everyone will ask, “WAIT, THERE’S DONUTS?” and I say, “Sorry, last one!” and then eat it.

me to the dentist: can u make my teeth more how u say al dente

“LOOK, MA!!!!! NO DIGNITY!!!!”

This is so funny 🤣 I was crying!

“Sorry, we’re clothed” – Manager at a Nudist resort

Someone forgot to tell my body that calories after midnight don’t count

church choir: faatherr, sonn, aand hoolyy g-

[the ghostbusters barge in]

church choir, nervously: -oooats

[ghostbusters slowly back out]

76% of pardoned turkeys end up back in the system

Yeah, I’m allergic to wheat, but I really like it so I eat it anyway. I’m a real gluten for punishment.

i just went through my sons belongings and i think he might be cheating at chess

Client said she needs to “find her zen” during our mediation and I don’t think she knows that mediation and meditation are two diff things.

I’m sorry for dropping a glitter bomb in the baptismal pool at church tomorrow.

He kept asking to see “more” of me but for some reason my colonoscopy results were “too much”
Foh

3yo: can we watch something?

Me: sure what do you want?

3yo: anything but the maps.

The investigative skill of our customs officers is unbelievable. As in this case, it is often a tiny, almost imperceptible nuance that alerts their attention and leads to a seizure.

TOUCH NOT MY PONDERING CRYSTAL

I Google image searched the phrase “Google image search” and accidentally opened a portal to hell.

Highway to Hell is my favorite song about driving to work

some cats are just doing for fun!

My husband is on the roof – only a few inches away from an insurance claim that could completely change my life.

just bought 4 pounds of cherries like I’m in some f***ing math problem

You better wish for more oil

I wear a ski mask to bed so if there’s a home invasion the intruder will think I’m part of the team.

Dating – Do you want to share my cheesecake?

Married- Touch my cheesecake and I’ll end you.

[Concert]
Triangle player: *proudly playing his triangle
[Octagon player struts on stage]
Triangle player: “What the-“

turkey? Nope. I haven’t seen a turkey

Parenthood is so weird. I don’t know why I say thank you to my 3yo every time she gives me her booger.