My dad : My mom :
Disciplined Gracefulš¤
Me : Disgraceš
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Who are these people that buy unsalted butter on purpose?
Always the kidnapper, never the kidnapped
Cop: How much have you had to drink?
Me: 24 glasses of milk
Cop: Milk? Why were you driving so erratically?
Me: I was hoping Iād get pulled over so I could brag
If a tiger goes to bite you, confuse him by french kissing him.
Youāll probably still die, but at least you got to make out w/ a tiger.
clean window: [exists]
toddlers: whatās that taste like
I am so honored to have won the āWorkplace Menaceā award. This award is given annually to the Workplace Menace. Also I am not employed here
When l feel sick in public, l get closer to the people who annoy me. If I have to vomit, I want to make it count.
*first date*
her: I can suck a golf ball through a garden hose
me: I like the sound of that
her: mmmmm oh do you now.
me: yes, I have two young kids. any chance you could suck a ham and cheese sandwich out of a dvd player?
In an incredible turn of events weāve been informed that the zodiac killer has killed himself after being mistaken for Ted Cruz
Genie: You have three wishes.
Me: First, I would like a time machine.
*travels back in time a few minutes now owning a time machine*
Genie: You have three wishes.
Itās a dad joke because the corniness is readily a parent.
Me: Excuse me, whereās the rowing boat equipment?
Employee: Keep going down there, Oar Aisle.
Me: ā¦
Employee: ā¦
Me: Or youāll what?
My daughter has decided she loves giving āmassagesā, or as I like to call them, ātests of momās pain toleranceā
We DNA tested our dog and it turns out he killed a guy in Toledo in ā79
Me: *interviewing a potential coworker*: why did you leave your previous job?
Him: I was fired
Me: what for?
Him: I knocked my boss out
Me: How fast can you join?
Relationship status: my last pickpocket had really gentle hands.
Donāt bother using those white packets of seasoning inside new shoes, they taste terrible.
Blind dates are the best because they canāt see me stealing all of the food from their plate
having birthday sex is kinda like having sex to celebrate your parents having had sex
I have made a lot of bad decisions in my life but Iāve never made a bad sandwich. From now on I will make no more decisions only sandwiches.
āMore people are killed by toasters than sharksā. So if youāre swimming in the ocean and see a toaster, youāre in big trouble.
heavy rain in Los Angeles is a great way to find out that every roof in the city has apparently been purely decorative this entire time
Iām so poor, the ducks are throwing bread at me.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
oh the aliens arenāt speaking to us right now because idk theyāre pissed that we flaked out on that pyramid project they started or whatever
My aunt showed me a type of lily without leaves called the Naked Lady and I immediately googled ānaked ladyā expecting to get results about the plant
Iām dealing with my anger issues one chicken wing at a time.
āHow much is that doggy in the windowā is a dumb thing to write a song about. Just go ask one of the workers
Me: home is where the heart is.
Nurse: *handing me a scalpel* doctor, youāre terrible at this.
Me as a kid: Iām going out in the woods. Iāll be back in 8 hours
My parents: Cool
My kid now: Iām going to a public park with my friend. Iāll be back in an hour, and will have my phone with me
Me: I donāt know ā that sounds dangerous.
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