My dad : My mom :
Disciplined Graceful🤝
Me : Disgrace😭
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Flossed the day before a dentist appointment like I was cramming for a history test.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘golfed’
“May I have it in a sentence please?”
Sure. He golfed with a tee.
“G-O-L-F-T”
I bought a formal gown simply because it had pockets.
I just slipped on a banana peel.
It didn’t fit.
People think getting married young is a bad idea.
I got married young and everything worked out.…not with her, obviously, but still.
I made $12 in the cryptocurrency market. Learn how I did it in my new book, “How I made $12 in cryptocurrency market”.
Me: Now THIS is a housewarming party! Am I right or what? High five!
Firefighter:
me: (calls out the wrong name during sex)
gf: who the hell is waluigi
Just did a 30 minute mile on the treadmill. I see a white light. Nana?!
HER: I was mauled by a bear mountain biking
ME: *long drag on cigarette* what kinda bike was it riding, Carol
Jan – Nov: depressed
December: depressed but with tinsel
When you have bad handwriting, notes to yourself are just fun little mysteries you get to solve later on.
I just ate an entire cake to get the taste of salad out of my mouth.
It’s like the pottery scene from Ghost, except it’s you, standing behind me, helping me use a Tide Pen on my food stains.
“It’s not debauchery it’s Digiorno!”
Me drunk about to eat a frozen pizza
The problem with teaching a man to fish is that eventually somebody will microwave that fish in the work break room.
Honest wine recommendations are exactly what you need via @pleatedjeans
You gotta wet it first, doesn’t work dry. The wetter the better.
-whistling you perverts
Smoking is tricky. it gets me out of bed, it gets me outside. It gets me talking to the boys. It lets me look a little cooler than i should. It satisfies my oral fixation and my desire to fidget. It gives me an excuse to get a little snack at the store. But it’s french,
[phone rings]
Me: Hello?
My neighbor Ron: MY FAMILY WILL BE HERE IN TEN MINUTES AND I TOLD THEM I WAS RICH SO YOU HAVE TO GET OVER HERE AND PRETEND TO BE “PENNINGTON BUTTERFORD” MY LOYAL MANSERVANT AND OF COURSE YOU’LL HAVE TO COOK DINNER MY MOTHER LOVES ROAST PHEASANT GO GO GO
Just tried to put my seatbelt on.
AT MY DESK.
I’m pretty.
My favorite part of going on vacation is cleaning the entire house first so that my best friend that’s watching my cats doesn’t see how much of a slob she already knows I am.
How am I supposed to give a review for dog treats? I mean, my dog loves them. They’re just ok to me. A little chewy
MARY JANE: daddy, what’s my name from?
ME: it’s from the comic Spider-Man
420BLAZEIT: and mine?
ME: umm [sweating] also Spider-Man
My scariest campfire story is about the time I held a flashlight under my chin to tell one and everybody started counting my whiskers…
“The N stands for number – so no need to say ‘PIN number’.
“Terribly sorry, I’ll start again: ‘You’re dead if you don’t give me your PIN’.
Some of you act like your mom never went out of town and left you with a babysitter, but the babysitter died and you had to get a job as a fashion designer and become caretaker to your 4 siblings, all while you fell in love with the delivery guy from Clown Dog… and it shows.
I decided to tell the kids that Santa is made up but nighttime home invasions are very very real.
Trying to convince a kid, no matter the age, that they’re tired, is like trying to tell a drunk they’re drunk. Denial & anger will follow.
I turned out ok for someone essentially raised by Bugs Bunny.