Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

1978 was all about running home when the street lights came on and dressing in the closet so my Shaun Cassidy posters didn’t see me naked…

A baby was born laughing really hard with it’s fists closed! The confused Doctor unfolded it’s tiny fingers, & found a birth control pill.

When I was a kid, my siblings and I used to shove each other down the stairs in a laundry basket.
I remind my parents about these things when they try to give unsolicited advice.

Me, for fun: What do you think you want to be when you grow up? Teacher, engineer, doctor, lawyer…
8, angrily: I have told you many times I WANT TO DELIVER PIZZA.
Me: Well, that’s considerably less stress. And tuition.

Every time someone tells you they are a vegan an angel eats a dog.

doctor: you’ve been bitten by a radioactive shark

me: so i’m gonna get shark powers right

doctor: you no longer have legs

me: just like a shark

I once made 200 pairs of panties hit the ground at the same time.

Yeah I walked into a rack at Wal-Mart

Wanna know what 1000 marbles spilling on a tile floor sounds like?

Have kids.

My wife loves the sexy bulge in my sweatpants.

Until I realized she was referring to my wallet.

😂😂

[Bleeding out from a polar bear attack]

Me: *Choking on my own blood* I loved you in those Coke commercials.

I wish this was real life…

I used to hold the flashlight for my dad, but now I hold the flashlight for myself. I still can’t see anything. The same amount of swearing is involved.

And I don’t want to hear people from imaginary places like Finland telling me that 57 degrees isn’t cold, save it for the elves, Santa

What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Except for bears. Bears will kill you.

Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Technically I pulled myself over, you only asked
C: I know, right? They make us say it like that

Him: (on phone) Why are you single? Me: (watching a movie about a killer tire) I don’t know.

If you give a mouse a cookie did you shriek and jump up on a chair first?

What if Capri Suns became self-aware and started stabbing us back?

[3am]

me: *sleeping*

brain: omg you’re late for work!

me: oh shit *jumps out of bed*

brain: lmao you’re so gullible

Don’t you hate it when you’re SO tired because it’s been SUCH a long week and then you look at the calendar and see that it is, in fact, only Monday?

i asked myself if i was crazy and we all said no stop playin w me

No one has done the dishes for like a week so I finally did the responsible thing and bought some paper plates.

Thinking about switching my books to a freemium model. I could give away the basic version but charge extra for fun bonus features like plot, characters, and vowels.

So much rainfall recently that Devon is now officially classed as a soup.

Relationship status – table for one but drinks for two

Been getting into gardening lately and I think it’s going well!

The last time I danced in public people gave me money to find a cure.

Responsibility for the New York earthquake is already being claimed by tremorrists.