Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Pro tip: Get two photos that are ten years apart and label your before photo as your after and your after photo as your before.

Me: Can I have a gin and tonic?

Them: Sir, this is an elementary school party.

Me: Fine. MAY I have a gin and tonic?

My husband: *finishes vacuuming*

Me: *asserts dominance, by maintaining eye contact with him while handing the kids a bag of crackers*

Me: But aren’t you scared of the Elf on the Shelf? We don’t have to have him come around…

Kid: No! He’s just a stuffy that comes to life and tickles you and watches you all the time, it’s fine.

Cool, but now I’m scared…

Ex [to kids]: dad made a mistake and will be gone for awhile

8: what did he do?

Ex: what do you think he did?

8: he drove while drinking

Ex: yes

8: AGAIN?!

Got fired from PetSmart for unionizing the hamsters

Someone in the line at the gas station just now told me I had pretty hair, so I said thank you while laughing nervously and flipping it, hitting them right in the face. Let. Me. Die.

No, I wasn’t dancing. I wore flowered leggings & got harassed by a bumble bee.

If I ever win the lottery & someone asks me for money I’m going to give them a dollar & say “Here. Go play the Lottery. That’s what I did.”

I’m eating strawberries in the bath while watching a spider kill a ladybug. I feel like I’m in a silent French film about sex and death.

Don’t try to sell a membership to the president of the fan club.

I don’t know who started the malicious rumour I’m mostly mole but I’m going to keep digging.

back to work

i’m a man written by a woman but that woman has something very, very wrong with her

My favourite machine at the gym is the television.

Son: I can’t wait to be older.

Me [frantically swatting away bees because my bald spot makes me look like a flower from behind]: yes it’s great

If you get really mad, stop and count to five. Then punch them as hard as you can. The five second delay will surprise them.

[after dinner]

Mugger: gimme your wallet.

Me: can I keep my drivers license?

Mugger: fine.

Me: [velcro sound].

Mugger: I can’t be seen with that.

Me: oh.

Mugger: gimme your shoes instead.

Me: [velcro sound].

Mugger: you know what forget it.

HAMMER PANTS: can’t touch this

HAMMER PANTIES: definitely can’t touch this

Kids playing baseball in the backyard really hits home. Usually on a window.

Me: please give my compliments to the chef

[later]

Waiter to chef: The sweater that guy at Table 7 is wearing really brings out his eyes

The kid hasn’t pooped in 3 days.
Do I just squeeze him from the other end like a tube of toothpaste?

I have a friend who can help get me admitted to clown college. He nose people.

If you want to get more out of people, squeeze them really hard.

Whenever someone calls me, instead of texting, I just assume they’ve had a horrific accident and have lost the use of their fingers & thumbs

I’ve literally never clicked copied and pasted text and thought, “I’m so glad it kept the formatting and font from the other document.”

Ironically the best judge is someone who knows both parties fairly well, and can attest that both parties are idiots.

[1st day at work]
BOSS: Erm..we..have No Smoking rules here

ME: That’s great Alan [blows out smoke] most places have loads of smoking rules

A costumer just said to me that my daughter and I look like twins. And I was like, “Well, we were separated at birth.”

i do believe that bears are dangerous and anyone who thinks they can get close to one is very stupid. but i also think i am different and the bear would sense my loving spirit