My dad never missed an opportunity to work during a family vacation. I never understood why until I had kids.
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My toddler growls every time someone says she’s cute and now I can finally say something about parenting has given me joy
Margo: And why is the snow all wet, TODD?
Todd: I don’t KNOW, Margo!
Print is alive and well!!!
Her: tell me want I want to hear baby
Me: your order is on its way
Her: oh god, yes!
Yesterday my daughter asked how babies are made, and I gave such a terrible explanation she now thinks babies come from eggs.
If i were a hand model, at least i could say that i’ve banged a model.
You might think off-brand products are, “just as good,” but I learned my lesson at Lollapalooka.
Me: *Sitting in traffic*
Cop: Get back in your car
I’ve always been a late bloomer. Everyone is going on about Barbie and Oppenheimer and I’m still here posting my wordle
“Not my circus, not my monkeys” is done. Let’s switch it to “not my pigs, not my blanket.”
Do you need to go peepee?
-No
Are you sure?
-Yes
How bout you try?
-No
Ook, goodnight*as soon as I relax*
-MOM HELP I’M PEEPING MY PANTS!
Dads are proud of horror movie characters never turning the lights on
I decided to change things up for my neighbors. Instead of seeing me topless, they caught me bottomless.
As a mom, I’m super excited about the rock collection my daughter just told me she’s starting.
“I’m in the best shape of my life!” -Newborn baby
My wife bought me Costco underwear which I assume is the final line of defense against another woman wanting to have sex with me
cdc: covid lives on countertops for hours
my cat: *slowly pushes it off*
Today at work a lady brought in a gift bag for the doctor, being he wasn’t there at the time, I just put it on his desk. It was a stool sample.
I hated spiders even before my girlfriend left me for one.
This body wash smells like a smoothie !!!
This body wash does not taste like a smoothie !!!
Don’t think too hard about why Santa would name a reindeer “Vixen.”
Person: I like for people to spell out what they want.
Me: C-h-e-e-s-e.
‘I HATE drama!’ -Dramatic people
Just found out that “3 Men and a Baby” isn’t a movie about Jesus’s birth.
Shoulda named my daughter calculus cause damn she’s complicated.
[Beautiful songbirds begin to dress me]
Me: I don’t want to wear that shirt today
Songbirds: We don’t care
[creating eyelashes]
God: Give them a row of stiff hairs to protect their eyes.
Angel: Alright.
God: But make the hairs occasionally turn traitor and try to destroy the very thing they’re supposed to protect.
Angel: Dude, wtf is wrong with you?
In order to get my nephews up and ready for church in a timely manor, I told them we were going to Disneyland…
They’ll be SO surprised!
Friend: Can I be honest with you about something?
Me: Of course!
Friend: You sometimes-
Me: *walking into the ocean* Hahah I know, right?
I’ve never been an actor before, but every Saturday I go to Costco and act interested about the food they’re selling so I can eat free samples for lunch.