my dad once complained about “coming home from a long day at work and having to eat on a paper plate” so my mom served him dinner in a solo cup the next day and we all ate like we didn’t notice
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My ex girlfriend has a tattoo of a shell on her inner thigh. If you put your ear to it you can smell the ocean.
Fashion designers: What do you want?
Me: something that hides my belly fat, shows off my curves and something even an 80 year old would find comfortable
Fashion designers: we don’t do magic
when the bartender skips over you for a much hotter customer
*scoops litter everyday for 17 yrs*
Kids: We want a kitten!
Me: How about unlimited candy, an Xbox and a PS5 instead?
For a one-way mission to Mars, we should send a blogger. Not so they can blog about the experience, but so there’d be one less blogger.
*sees hot guy
*wiggles eyebrows
*licks lips
*winks, contact lens falls into coffee, sips coffee, gags on contact lens*mouths* “call me”
Be nice to a nerd. Prevent a supervillain.
Women wanted him, men wanted to be him, geese were skeptical
How long can COVID live on breakdancing cardboard?
And can it be killed by sick moves?
I thought I’d buy all my scratch off lottery tickets at the busiest gas station in town. What? Oh no I don’t know which ones I’ll pick them out when i get to the register
I don’t have an insurance policy on myself because there’s no sense in tempting my wife more than she already is.
You think after 11 years of marriage you really know your spouse, and then last night I found out mine uses his notes app by keeping EVERYTHING – grocery lists, reminders, birthday present ideas – in ONE LONG NOTE
My Jehovah Witness girlfriend dumped me this new year, but I’m not that worried though.
She’ll come back knocking!!!
Walmart is crazy like why did I have a polite conversation with a stranger about mustard
Fun Fact: All the confetti thrown during the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade is cut from a single CVS receipt.
feel like Nope sort of put the cgi animals question to bed forever lol. you really want a real life bear on set? for a scene where your lead actress is getting attacked by the bear?
Him: Why are you here?
Me: Why am I anywhere?
me: I’m stuck in a time loop
friend: *sighing* is your watch on too tight
me: my watch is on too tight 🙂
“NO NO NO NO” – the guy who invented folding chairs watching a wrestling match
*I sit bolt upright in bed, drenched in sweat*
HER: Did you have the zombie nightmare again?
ME: (thinking about the time everybody sang ‘happy birthday’ to me and I accidentally joined in) Yes
wife: sometimes I think you love bacon more than you love me
me: in fairness I never caught the tennis instructor in bed with my bacon
w: I despise you
my only concern about UFOs is if they’re staying they should be paying their fair share in taxes.
My ex boyfriend was into two types of women:
1) Me
2) My Best Friend
If someone is jogging at 7am on a Sunday – it’s because they’ve just killed someone right?
Me: I wish I was the most beautiful person in the world.
Genie: done.
Me: *checking in mirror* But I still look the same?
Genie: yes, but just wait until you see everybody else.
[before horsepower was invented]
car salesman: this baby has the strength of 7000 raccoons
God: your name is Owl.
Owl: who?
God: you. your name is Owl.
Owl: I know I’m just messin with ya.
God: ok then state your name.
Owl: your name. lol.
God: are you serious?
Owl: no i’m Owl : )
God:
Owl:
God: [under breath] you’ve made a powerful enemy today.
Owl: who?
Me: I just need you to tell me when my clothes are dry.
Dryer: Please, no talking until intermission.
If the horse track doesn’t open back up soon, I’m gonna lose the only math I remember.
My kids don’t enjoy cleaning so much as they enjoy spraying cleaning supplies everywhere