my dad once complained about “coming home from a long day at work and having to eat on a paper plate” so my mom served him dinner in a solo cup the next day and we all ate like we didn’t notice
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Godspeed to the gal in front of me at the pharmacy getting a Plan B, at-home COVID test, and two Red Bulls.
An enterprising neighborhood kid started a business to fill in all those grownup coloring books for us. I feel more relaxed already.
“Just this one more episode.” you said, and all the voices in your head laughed and laughed, and slapped their knees.
My friend and I had a running joke. She said let’s do a marathon and then we both laughed.
Hey, so I was working on an Excel spreadsheet and hit an unfamiliar function button and, long story short, now I am trapped inside it and all these numbers are mad at me
When abroad, James Bond is known as +44 07.
Delilah: hey
Jude: hey there
what if all high-voltage signs on doors are just a trick and there’s actually an extra woman’s bathroom inside…
Guys be throwin bobcats across their lawn and I’m over here trying to get my Capri Sun open
The list of “unfriendly” countries designated by russia is almost identical to the list of countries where there is drinking tap water. You can make your own conclusions, but I think that russians just don’t like tap water.
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If you find me on my death bed, please wake me up and move me over to the life couch. Throw the death bed away, I don’t know why I keep it.
Having a toddler is like harboring a bipolar, schizophrenic, incontinent, adorable, tiny dictator.
Me: how d’ya like them apples?
Dr: *hisses and retreats into the shadows*
Just bought a new pair of running shoes. Very excited to see how they look on the highest shelf in the closet.
If you’ve been reading a book for more than a month you are in a relationship with that book and now you have to say hi to it when you come home
“I don’t care!”, he tweeted, again.
Jumped off the couch so fast when the microwave dinged that I’m now eligible for the draft.
Me: Yells at my kids to stop wasting water.
Also me: Washes same load of laundry three times.
My kids teeth are harder than my forehead and no I would not like to elaborate.
$175 an hour, $175 an hour…
– my therapist’s notes
You don’t know pissed off until she tells you to go sleep on the couch, an you take all the covers with you.
Show someone you love them today by rearranging the apps on their phone.
with extra mice
“rice or mice”
mice
“we don- are u a snake”
yes
“we cant deliver to a snake”
d’you know how long it took to dial this number
A few days ago, the girls down the street knocked on our door and asked “is Nerys in?”, so I called her and she came out to see them. For the first time in my life I felt like a real dad.
Nerys is a dachshund.
(strolls into men’s warehouse)
yes, and hello and how much to
keep all my mens here
Barber: Snip snip snip snip snip.
Me: What are you doing?
Barber: I’ve lost my scissors and I was hoping I could trick you into thinking I was cutting your hair by saying snip.
Me: I can see you in the mirror.
How all things should be taught/explained.
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*sinks into depression*
Depression: “Wrong hole.”
Some people wake up to ” I love you” texts and some of us wake up to
” Battery full. Remove charger”.
🤷♂️😆🤷♂️😆
IT’S NOT A PHASE, DAD
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