My dad overheard a conversation at Thanksgiving about the show The Last of Us and wanted to binge it before Christmas, but he accidentally watched This Is Us instead and his texts to the group chat about “where are the zombies” are insane
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BOSS: in my office, we need to have a chat
ME: ok *sits down and crosses legs*
BOSS: why did you just cross my legs?
Accidentally took my mother’s id to the polling station and committed voter freud.
idc who house I’m at, i’m drying my hands on yo decoration towels
Two raccoons reach into a moonlit bag of trash. A moment! Their paws meet. They lock eyes. They hiss and scratch the shit out of each other.
Why did they call it K-pop and not Seoul music?
Amazon problems:
1920: pirahna
1990: losing rainforest
2017: wrong size
on a walk around my neighborhood today i saw two houses across from each other with a “my neighbor is a karen” flag in their yard and i’m really interested if they hate each other or there’s a third neighbor who’s just a realllll b***h
*packs 12 books to read on vacation*
im gona read so much i cant wait
[1 wk later]
*opens suitcase*
*somhow has 16 unread books now*
wat the
“please retain for your records” – bold of you to assume that I, a person who still has to dig boxes out of the trashcan bc i forgot to read the recipe, have “records.”
After watching HGTV, my husband and I have decided to become dog walkers so we can increase our house hunting budget to 4 million.
me (stepping out of time machine): I come from the future!
soldier: oh, great! we could use your help. thousands of us have died in this war for a treasure called “salt”
me: what, like table salt?
soldier: ? why do you call it that
me:
soldier: Why do you call it that.
Sorry we’re late, my kid thought he couldn’t go to school with hiccups
Long sandwiches should have suitcase handles
BUILDING INSPECTOR: This building is not structurally sound
ARCHITECT: why
BUILDING INSPECTOR: Well first of all it’s made of paper
ARCHITECT: Yeah construction paper!
[wife yelling in waterpark]
“BRENT SOMEONE IS STEALING THE CAR”
[top of huge slide] K IM STILL GONNA TAKE THE SLIDE DOWN CUZ IT’ll BE FASTER
ME [groggily regains consciousness] what happened?
DOCTOR: You did a wheelie [replaces pen lid] on a unicycle
[First date]
Her: Are you literally WEARING a red flag?
Me: Yes, do you like it? Hey! Come back!
Not to be too political but liquid shouldn’t drip out first when you’re squeezing out mustard.
They say swans mate for life but I bet if I gave a swan enough tequila I could totally get it to cheat.
Gonna take the kids to the planetarium so they can watch YouTube on their phones.
JIM MORRISON: people are strange, when you’re a stranger
PRODUCER: nice
JIM MORRISON: people are docks, when you’re a doctor
PRODUCER: what
JIM MORRISON: *wiggling fingers* people are ticks, when you’re a tickler
PRODUCER (lips on mic): uh, I think we’re good Jim
[in a getaway car]
robber: what are you wearing i said come in a mask
me (taking cucumber slice off my eye): do you not see this mud?
I have decided to keep my uncomfortable home office chair
This encourages me to spend less time in it
Really, iTunes? You need to update my calculator app? Have there been changes to basic math that I’m unaware of?
when i find out there’s a cat at the party but they’re locked in the bedroom
Is that a banana in your pocket or… oh wait that is a banana. Sir I’m with super market security. Please come with me.
Back off. I’ve got enough to deal with today without having to make your death look like an accident.
My wife gives me the speaking treatment.
I’m sorry for all the traffic today in Los Angeles. I went outside in tiny shorts
[getting my picture taking with the sports team mascot]
“I know you’re not really an armadillo”