My dad overheard a conversation at Thanksgiving about the show The Last of Us and wanted to binge it before Christmas, but he accidentally watched This Is Us instead and his texts to the group chat about “where are the zombies” are insane
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Hell hath no fury like a woman not getting responses to her text messages while she sees that you’re continuing to tweet.
Today my 12 year old went back into a room to switch off a light, so never give up on your dreams
If you bring an acoustic guitar to a bonfire I’m going to assume it’s for fuel.
Just think, Someone comes to you, opens buttons of your shirt, stares at you from top to bottom and then leaves.
That’s how fridges feel.
I hope that boomerang I threw in 2009 is happy out there somewhere, maybe in a relationship with little boomerangs that don’t listen either.
When the pandemic ends, don’t forget to update your Face ID so your phone can recognize you without that cheeto dust mustache.
The first time my daughter met her Great Aunt she turned to me and moistly whispered “I thought it was weird that you called her great, but I see it now”
I’m just like King Midas except everything I touch complains to human resources
This was a bad idea all around
I patiently sat through a 75 hour story about my daughter’s dream and then said wow daddy would love to hear this.
[Pompeii 79 AD]
me: wow can’t believe I’m finally a homeowner. Nothing could ruin this day.
me: what do you know about atoms?
friend: very little
me: besides that
me: my night terrors are getting worse
therapist: anything you can change about your night-time routine?
[flashback to eating a wheel of mature cheddar in bed every night]
m: *shaking my head* nope, not a damn thing
beyoncé communicating with the dead is what i would call a seyoncé.
[backstage at a concert] hey guys you mind signing this?
[next day at car dealership] rascal flatts is your cosigner?
[god creating raccoons]
Take a cat and make him look like he’s committing crimes
Doctor – “you’ve been bitten by a spider. Ever see that movie Spider-Man?”
Me – “no?”
Doctor – “and I’m afraid you never will. You’re dying”
if *I* were a baby with no appointments or responsibilities, I would simply not wake up at 5.45am
My mum just messaged to say that yesterday she turned off her 20 year old PC, ‘at the wall’, without shutting it down properly. ‘That couldn’t have caused anything, could it?’ 😂
‘Probably’.
Man: You’re killing me
Comedian: [strangling man with cloth] this is great material
[moth meeting]
Moth: I was thinking, since we all love the light so much why don’t we come out during the day?
Head moth: no, we fly into lamps until we die
My wife spent six weeks researching customer reviews of vacuum cleaners and one time I bought a new car because I had the same dog as the guy on the commercial.
My doctor told me to get my affairs in order so I bought an epilator. I’ve got this.
“people on the internet are so unhinged” no that’s just people in general, the internet is just how you find out
if you’re in first class on a flight sometimes they upgrade you to captain
girls have four moods: famine, pestilence, war, death
interviewer: describe yourself in 5 words
me: mathematically challenged
Darth Vader: I am your father
Odin: I am the all-father
God: I am the father, the son and the holy spirit
Maury: the DNA results are in, find out after the break
I didn’t say you’re dumber than rocks I said you’re dumber than A rock. That’s an important distinction because if you put enough of the right kinds of rocks together and heat them you can make a computer.
me: *clamping can of beans into electric can opener* now spill it!
can of beans: never!
(whirring noises)