My dad overheard a conversation at Thanksgiving about the show The Last of Us and wanted to binge it before Christmas, but he accidentally watched This Is Us instead and his texts to the group chat about “where are the zombies” are insane
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[slipping DJ $20] my good sir would you turn it down a skooch
Them: You’ll sleep when you’re dead.
Me: I’ll go ahead and take an advance, if it’s all the same.
Theres a dating website for people that believe the government is ran by lizard people so I really have no excuse for being single
medusa: look into my gaze
me:
dwayne johnson: did it do anything?
My attachment style is PDF which is why older people don’t know how to get me to open up half the time
I hate how everything is organic now. I miss chemicals.
I hate babies when they are crying. I hate people who love babies & think babies are cute. I hate grown up babies who make more babies.
I like to think that all my unfollowers have violated their parole and been sent back to the big house. Just kidding, I hope they’re dead.
Fact: If you blast hiphop at a shallot, it becomes a rapscallion.
[pet store]
me: are the birds expensive?
employee: they’re going cheap
me: I know how they work
McDonalds could burn to the ground and I bet the fries would still be cold
My son called a paper cupcake liner a “muffin skirt” and I immediately trademarked it
Google maps is like, “in 8.4 miles, stay on the road you’re on.”
“How many dead bodies do I have to leave on the porch before they acknowledge me?”
-Cats
ZOMBIE 1: why do we eat brains?
ZOMBIE 2: because. It’s food for thought! haha
ZOMBIE 1: [sigh]
Children receive an average of $3.70 for each tooth from the Tooth Fairy.
I suppose that’s because the resale market is so limited.
*Banging on the bottom of my brain with a broomstick* HEY KEEP IT DOWN UP THERE
The year is 2246. Disease and hunger have been eradicated. The terraforming of Mars is complete. The symbol for Save is still a floppy disk.
Sitting here eating blueberries
wondering if my brain is improving
Doubt it…..
took too long to spell doubt
Boss: “Do you know why I’ve called you into my office?”
Into My Office: “Because that’s my name?”
Boss: “Yes, that’s right.”
i hate it when my pillow is not pillowing like it should. you have one job. be a pillow man. you are pillow. act like one ffs
I told my kids I’m not coming out of the bathroom until they stop fighting, I’m really looking forward to a long nap and some me time
*Someone sends me a 4 minute video*
me: [42 seconds later] wow that’s so awesome thanks for sharing!
The chicken mask stays on during chicken shopping
The term “baby steps” is so offensive to babies. If you’re a baby, taking a step is the most impressive thing you’ve ever done.
My daughter wants to study burrowing rodents. I told her to gopher it.
If that cute guy doesn’t approach you at a bbq, he is probably just intimidated by how many sausages you’re eating.
[cruising down highway in friend’s car with windows down]
me: [opens bag of glitter]
Is it fall yet? I really can’t suck my stomach in much longer.
Me: So tired
Brain: IKR!! But wait, who organised the alphabet…
M: Please don’t
B: N how do we know it’s not actually disorganized?