My dad owned a convenience store when I was a kid and he would give me the keys to Ms. Pac-Man so I could play for free.
Let me tell you the drunk-with-power feeling that was for a 10 yr old pushing that credit button. I’ve been chasing that high ever since.
[sinking in quicksand]
me: oh no
wife: we’ll be fine if we just remain still and wait for help
me: ok
[mambo no. 5 starts to play]
me: OH NO
[Spelling bee]
JUDGE: Spell “Insubordinate”ME: *Lips on mic* No.
JUDGE: I don’t… where do we go from here?
I went to church today just to thank God I’m not Miley Cyrus.
Buzzfeed will be the death of journalism intellect.
16: If you could pick your own pronouns, what would they be?
Me: Well, I can and I choose cheesecake.
16: Cheesecake isn’t a pronoun.
Me: Yes, but everyone loves cheesecake.
16: Exactly, pick something else.
My inflatable house got a puncture
last night.Now I’m living in a flat.
Essential oils? You mean WD40?
I melted down all my various rewards cards into a universal “Rewards Dagger” that gets me a discount everywhere.
Pro tip:
Singing “Into the great wide open” is never ok during sex
worst place to be stung by bees is the club bc it just looks like you’re doing cool dance moves & sure u win the dance off but at what cost
When I die, I’m donating my body to the theater department. The science department has enough bodies. I want to be a theater prop.
Everyone loves their weighted blankets and talks about loving feeling all wrapped up but as soon as I mention wearing socks to bed everyone’s like noo I don’t want to feel constricted my feet must be freee
Imagine being tracked down for a crime you did a million years ago because your silly goose of a great aunt sent in her DNA to 23 and Me.
Fact: men are never too busy for sex. It’s been clinically proven, 9 out of 10 men will find time for sex while fleeing a burning building.
why is it called “free time” when i use it to spend all my money
I wonder what song the Little Mermaid was singing when she viciously ripped a clam in half to make a bikini top?
We need a marketing campaign to teach the Crayola people what “washable” means
her: this is the worst date EVER
me: ugh. i told you not to eat the pit
Police – they really trashed your house, anything missi-
Me – hmmm? No, this is how it always looks
Give a man a fish & he’ll be all “WTF are you giving me a fish for? That’s weird” Teach a man to fish & he’ll be all “Again with the fish?”
Not messing around
Tonight’s Golden Globes taught us that, no matter how much you spend on surgery, nobody looks good while sweaty.
[used car]
ME: my credit’s bad
SALESMAN: k
ME: i’m a criminal
SALESMAN: no law against that
ME: i’m on the run
SALESMAN: then you need a car
he told me he likes it rough so i crumbled a nature valley bar in the bed
every For Him gift guide is just like “have you considered sock?? what about TOOL??“
Still trying to figure out the whole speed/tilt ratio for drinking out of a cup.
If God really didn’t want Adam to take a bite, he should have made it the broccoli of good and evil.
Is it possible to be TOO moisturized, I wonder as I slide off the sofa, out the door, and into oncoming traffic.
Heath: I’m Heath
Heather: I’m Heather
Me, competitive: I’m Heathest
I hate when I’m getting a back rub & he stops 3 mins in & says “my thumbs hurt.” It’s not like I ever say “My jaw hurts.” I finish the job.
