My dad owned a convenience store when I was a kid and he would give me the keys to Ms. Pac-Man so I could play for free.
Let me tell you the drunk-with-power feeling that was for a 10 yr old pushing that credit button. I’ve been chasing that high ever since.
If you can say “I made six figures last year,” you either have a well paying job or you’re the worst employee at a toy factory.
Cars these days have so many sensors and rear cameras you gotta work extra hard to run someone over
My husband and I talked about getting a divorce, but neither one of us wants the kids.
“just gonna move this somewhere so i don’t lose it”
famous last (known whereabouts) words
One thing I have noticed about getting older is having to stop for a short nap halfway through scrolling down to my year of birth when completing online forms.
Age 17: Avoiding squeaky floor boards to sneak out of my parent’s house
Age 37: Avoiding squeaky floor boards to sneak out of my toddler’s room
Me: [butchering a raw pork shoulder]
Child: Can I poke it?
Me: What?
Child: Can I poke it?
Me: Poke…poke the pork?
Child: Yes.
Me: WHY
Child: It looks squishy.
Me: It IS squishy.
Child:
Me:[5 mins later]
Wife: WHY ARE YOU TWO POKING THE PORK
true crime documentaries are like “nobody suspected the husband until they found the life insurance policy”
It’s not Christmas until I see Snoopy eating 37 human femurs.
“your sock has a hole in it” yeah no shit that’s how i get my foot in there linda
I’m never sure what to do with my hands while I’m holding up a convenience store.
I’m going to buy velcro strips for my sneakers.
I mean, why knot?
#SneakersDay #RubbishJokes
COP: are you armed
ME: yes
COP: your “love gun” doesn’t count
ME [sadly]: then no
if how you live this life is reflected by what you become in the next, i kinda wonder what grandpa did to come back as a pot pie?
I think my wife got us a babysitter because she didn’t think I’d sit on the baby correctly
Go to bed barstool. You’re drunk
Did 900 crunches today. It was a bag of Cheetos, but still.
Twitter should give you 5,000 followers when you start and then you have to try and lose them.
Eventually there’ll be another civil war and you’ll still have to go into work.
me: I’d like to buy a hotdog with ketchup please
vendor: sorry cash only
You didn’t make the team.
*me as your life coach
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board
me: i have a doctorate in physics
flight attendant: this man is dying
me: it’s ok the plane will weigh the same
Apparently, lifting your feet so she can reach underneath,
Is NOT considered “helping her vacuum.”
Lesson learned, fellas. Lesson learned.
I’ll take Manly Men for $500, Alex.
“Answer. These booklets of pages are a pointless waste of time.”
What are instructions?
“Correct.”
Date: I’m totally into the Dad bod.
Me: *exhales for 3 straight minutes* That’s a relief. I’ve been sucking in since I picked you up.
[writing in my journal about the girl I like]
Her hair was soft like really soft hair, her lips surrounded her mouth all the time.
how much for the angry fruit?
HR says I have to stop switching people’s vapes with kazoos.
“help us improve instagram” nice try fix your own damn website.
