My dad owned a convenience store when I was a kid and he would give me the keys to Ms. Pac-Man so I could play for free.
Let me tell you the drunk-with-power feeling that was for a 10 yr old pushing that credit button. I’ve been chasing that high ever since.
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[ english class ]
me: this is useless, i’m outta here
*20 years later*
judge: please rise for your sentence
me: my what
DATE: What do you do?
ME: I write for TV
DATE: Wow! Anything I would know?
ME: Ever heard of subtitles
Find someone who holds onto you as tightly as the twitter algorithm does that subject you clicked on once 6 months ago
I cleaned out all my closets and now it looks like a flea market threw up in my dining room.
[invention of spaghetti]
Inventor: i made them very long
Wife: they still fit in a pot though right?
Inventor: lol no why
“I can try” is a great response to invitations because you’re not even committing to trying.
I don’t really think I know what ovulating is, but I think my friend Brian is ovulating.
It’s actually pretty rude of you to assume that I know what I’m doing
Brand new white Adidas completely ruined by 6 steps into the dog park gate.
*does a bunch of math problems while doing sit ups*
*checks for abacus*
Slicing an avocado: “I’ll carefully carve two halves then cautiously remove the pit to avoid bruising the fruit.”
Slicing a pineapple: “I’LL SEE YOU IN HELL SPIKEYBOI!”
I find a duck’s opinion of me is very much influenced by whether or not I have bread.
If I became a witch, the first spell I would cast is to make crickets sound like a purring cat. After that, I’d focus on evil. But the cricket-cat thing first.
If you lose a tooth in a bar fight and put it under your pillow, the tooth fairy will leave you $100 because you’re hardcore.
You’re worried about the home hairdressing? Wait till you have to resort to home dentistry.
My sense of direction can only be described as unacceptable.
Him: Can you believe what’s going on in Egypt?
Me: Yeah…it’s crazy…I gotta go. Bye.
Me: *googles what’s happening in Egypt?*
[after having one kid then having twins]
wife: we should have sexfibonacci: absolutely not
@funTweeters I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers
[Interview]
“Tell me your weaknesses”
Me: Well, I..
*wife busts in* He’s a mouth breather, leaves the toilet seat up, forgets to take out th
The worst thing about that mime stealing my woman was when he silently laughed at me
i used to enjoy weather like “sunny” or rainy” or cloudy” i’m glad that 2023 is showing us that it can innovate and give us weather like “smoke”
[blind date]
Her: so what do you do for fu..
Me: I’M 34 IF YOU DON’T FALL IN LOVE WITH ME I’M STATISTICALLY UNLIKELY TO EVER FIND A MATE
Twitter was down earlier. I tried telling jokes on Grindr but it wasn’t as satisfying
My client sent an email that read, “…and then he said why don’t you myofb!”
Yes, I had to google that.
Yes, I will be using that in the future as frequently as possible. Myofb.
It’s such bullshit when someone tweets something and gets like 50 stars and RTs then I tweet the exact same thing verbatim and get no love.
Team SnapChat: Merry Christmas!
Me (tear rolling down my cheek): they remembered
ME: this mask should give me the best protection
SCUBA INSTRUCTOR: is that an N95
Neighbors act like they’ve never seen someone wearing a bath towel, chasing after a Garbage Truck before.