My dad owned a convenience store when I was a kid and he would give me the keys to Ms. Pac-Man so I could play for free.

Let me tell you the drunk-with-power feeling that was for a 10 yr old pushing that credit button. I’ve been chasing that high ever since.

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[TI and his daughter at OBGYN]

doctor, to TI’s daughter: u have a UTI

TI’s daughter: a what

doctor: UTI

TI: no I’m TI


Daughter 7 catches spiders, puts them in jars to make them fight, then releases the victor.
I don’t know whether to be impressed or scared.


Scientist 1: We’re not going to be using mice in experiments anymore. You can just hand those over.

Scientist 2: Um, you look suspiciously like 3 cats in a lab coat.

Scientist 1 glares at Scientist 2, swats pen off counter and runs sideways out of room.


The scene from The Exorcist where she’s tied to the bed cursing like a sailor, but it’s me when getting a Brazilian.


Sex is the most fun you can have in life without gaining weight or having a hangover the next day.


There’s a reason the iPhone autocorrects “Yolo” to “tool.”


Bro: *on phone* Babe. Babe. Babe. Babe. BABE!

Dude: You’re so whipped.

Bro: What? I just got her to rent Babe instead of The Notebook.


My 4 yr old came in my room last night at 3am. I asked him what was wrong and he said “how many eyebrows do I have?”