My dad owned a convenience store when I was a kid and he would give me the keys to Ms. Pac-Man so I could play for free.
Let me tell you the drunk-with-power feeling that was for a 10 yr old pushing that credit button. I’ve been chasing that high ever since.
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I feel like I’ve been drinking water since the day I was born. When does it end? Like get over it blood I’ve given you plenty
The preschoolers got to choose a free book from the book fair, so my kid came home with one we already have because she knows she likes it, and I can’t fault that logic
My GF found lipstick in my pocket, I admitted I’m cheating… I don’t want her to know I’m selling AVON.. I want to eat my money in peace
I named my WiFi after my last girlfriend because it’s never fully connected with me. And also because I caught my neighbour using it.
How to make your house look like a trash can in one easy step:
1. Hand 3yo a muffin on your way to the bathroom.
I know this now.
Are you having a nice Tuesday or did your daughter remember this morning that she volunteered to bring 150 baby carrots to school today?
Him: So, it cost me my life savings and all my inheritance but you’re worth it, I booked us a trip on Virgin Galactic
Me: Umm…when I said I wanted space…
*sniffs date’s hair*
[later on in ambulance]
“no, it’s my fault for not mentioning I’m allergic to japanese cherry blossoms”
me, speaking to my daughter’s class on the importance of eating your vitamins: one time i got lost in the forest for so long i dropped dead & a sheepdog ate my carcass.
some smart aleck kid: if you died then how are you here right now?
me: {i look him square in the eyes} vitamins
“Higher…lower…lower…higher…LOWER!”
-Me playing Card Sharks or getting a back scratch
At least 20 people, including 17 children, were killed when gunmen stormed an army-run school in Peshawar, Pakistan.
Texted my wife that our 4-year-old jumped rope for the first time. Later, she came home & said to him, “I heard you jumped rope today?”
He replied, “How did you hear me do that? You were at work!”
Me: Will you marry me?
Her: No
Backing singers: She said no! she said no!
Me: Not now
RAPUNZEL: oh no I’m out of hair
JOHNNY DEPP: *unraveling scarves* I got this
The funniest thing about being sober is someday finding out that you were the mayor of Toronto.
I saw a guy that had a knife on his belt tonight and I thought, “now there’s a guy that’s really prepared to slice some cake”
Someone’s overfeeding that damn cat.
I mean.. there’s something like Stonehenge in her litter box.
Me: *walks up to Walgreens cashier with a pack of condoms* Excuse me, where are your fitting rooms?
Back to school sale prices are so cheap. I’m getting all of my Christmas shopping done.
25 cent rulers for everyone!
1985: imagine what school photos will be like in the future
2022 (the future): adds one neon laserbeam and one fake bookshelf background to cart
This egg could use more egg
– guy about to invent hollandaise sauce
In a post-apocalyptic world, I’d be the one to shave my head and charge toward you with a machete while screaming. You’ll think, is that a man or a woman? It won’t matter. Small-chested and bald, this is my time to shine now.
Welcome to your forties.
You brag about how early you went to bed and you’re jealous if someone beats you.
Me: This recipe calls for one red onion…
Onion: Seize the means of production!
Me: Close enough
I once dated a girl to get closer to her parents’ record collection.
morpheus wrapping the red pill in a piece of cheese so i’ll take it
My husband thought that it was funny to add his name to the bottom of my to-do list, but the joke’s on him because I’m only doing 1 chore a day in the order that I wrote them and he’s number 26.
*checks rear view mirror for the cop car I drove past 15 minutes ago*
At a secluded mountaintop convent, I would be the third nun to go insane.
don’t eat yellow snow is a pretty sound rule but i would warn against eating any kind of weather