MY DAD (pounding on bathroom door): You’d better not be looking at mortgage rates again
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I still remember when “information is power” could be said with a straight face. Thank goodness the internet put that myth to rest.
Let’s find out what pisses the crickets off and do THAT during the day
I either need to get serious about losing weight, or start shopping at places that sell costumes for circus bears.
Saw a guy with two sheathed machetes walking through a Winco once, like he thought he was gonna have to Mortal Kombat his way into getting a 24-pack of Orange Shasta
I dreamt I was getting attacked by a bike repeatedly.
It was a vicious cycle.
My husband sneezed and now everyone on Nextdoor is asking what that loud noise was.
Congrats on your new baby. I remember a night where you drank a fifth of Jim Beam and crapped yourself. Glad you’re raising a child now.
I do not delete bad tweets that get no stars… I let them sit there and think about what they’ve done…
Doc thinks my mysterious headaches may lessen if I eat ice cream more slowly.
Waffles are just pancakes with abs.
*finds all 7 dragonballs
*dragon appears* “WHAT IS YOUR WIS…OH GODDAMMIT CHAD, FOR THE LAST TIME I CANNOT MAKE PEOPLE RESPECT NICKELBACK”
I’m voting for Bernie Sanders based all on the fact that His fried chicken rules
I forgot the word “memorial” so I called it a dead person shout out.
The vampire myth probably started with a really bad hickey
Me if I was a dog
McDs: to recap, that is 6 McMuffins and 8 hash browns
Me: yep
McDs:. Great, give us a few minutes and we’ll bring it out to your family
Me: my what now?
me: alexa
alexa: that name was a fiction to hide my true identity, alizarin the demon god of fear and-
me: is it okay to microwave glass
alexa: for how long
It’s so cute, whenever I sing along to an 80’s song, my kids ask me how I remember the words because I’m “so old”.
Some people make mountains out of mole hills, some people make a competition out of crazy
[reincarnated as a giant squid at the bottom of the ocean] i did something right
Huge if true.
GUY SPIDER: (after sex) omg I can’t wait to see my son
GIRL SPIDER: *putting on bib* yeah, about that..
My husband and I draw straws on Valentine’s Day to decide who has to be on top.
Saw an ad for a supplement that said it adds years on to your life. This life? Are we talking about the same one?
Apparently changing the locks isn’t funny to my husband or my kids…but I gave my dog a new key.
My milkshake brings 30-50 hogs to the yard.
And they’re like, “are these kids yours?
Damn right, you wild boars.
I could beat you, but you’re rather large.
My 3yo is heckling me about what YouTube search results appear when I type in her dictated search terms. I never anticipated this parenting moment.
absolutely no one knows the words of “who let the dogs out” apart from the “who let the dogs out” bit
You know your life has changed when you and your spouse spend over an hour breaking down the social scene of a 4yo’s birthday party like it’s an episode of housewives
For cardio, I drive before the windshield is defrosted.