MY DAD (pounding on bathroom door): You’d better not be looking at mortgage rates again
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Actually parents are supposed to steal their kid’s Halloween candy; that’s how you prevent cavities.
I was washing my car and my neighbor said when I’m done I can wash his car too and we laughed and laughed and then I water boarded him
me: i gave you the wrong mixtape
gf: all of these songs are about eating a sandwich
me: i know
gf: how are there so many
This flight attendant literally just finished going over safety protocols and said “thank you to those who listened, and good luck to those of you who didn’t. Truly, good luck.” Lmfaooooo
“Chickfila catering?”
“Yes, sir. How big is your party?”
“Party?”
A little sign under the doorbell that says, “think twice, adventurer.”
Him: i like you
Me: *wheels in whiteboard* let me break it down for you why that’s a bad idea
It’s so cute, whenever I sing along to an 80’s song, my kids ask me how I remember the words because I’m “so old”.
In hell the Mariachi band never leaves your table.
realized that as a doctor i could prescribe girl scout cookies, who needs some
My husband made it back from Charlotte and went directly from the airport to a “work meeting” at a casino resort. Any one else think this seems suspicious? 🤔
Me: The dog gives me more kisses because he loves me the most.
Him: No, it’s because you never wipe the ice cream off your chin.
If my coworker doesn’t stop asking questions on this Zoom meeting I will drive across town and slap his face on the call.
George Washington only said “I cannot tell a lie” because he never had to fill out a kid’s reading log.
Just settled a divorce over Parrot custody/visitation. Neither may teach it negative phrases abt the other.
I went to law school for this.
I am eternally grateful that Twitter doesn’t have an “is online now” indicator
If I knew I’d have this many brain cells left, I would have partied a little harder in my twenties.
I signed up to bring fruit for my toddler’s holiday party at daycare. It turns out the class’s favorite fruit is blueberries which need to be cut into quarters, and I should have signed up to bring cookies.
Just saw a Facebook status that said “ironing boards are just surfboards that gave up their dreams and got real jobs” and I laughed out loud… Can’t tell if it’s funny or if I’m just overtired
*seductively mows lawn to Careless Whisper*
“I Still Haven’t Found What I’m Looking For” is my favourite song about opening and closing the fridge 150 times a day
I took my cat to the vet in my gardening clothes.
The vet looked me over.
He must’ve decided I looked like a flood victim because he gave me 5 days of meds free.
love getting up in the middle of the night to make myself a little chaos snack. sure i’ll put chicken nuggets and cheese sticks in a tortilla. it’s 2 am god can’t see me here
Mayo fridge always be filled with condiments
People on dating apps always say they’re looking for a “partner in crime”, but when you try to organise a cock fighting tournament in their living room they suddenly “need to check with their landlord”. I already bought the roosters.
Optometrist: better or worse?
Me: oooo worse – I can see your face now
people that brag about not eating processed foods like, okay??? what are you eating when you’re depressed? a carrot? we’re all dying, grow up and eat a hot dog from the street like the rest of us, pathetic
If you believe that no great story ever started with someone eating a salad, then you’re using the wrong kind of mushrooms.
We think whale songs are beautiful, but that’s just how they communicate. Imagine giving someone directions to the gas station and some white woman records and cries to it.
I had a terrible dream that monsters came out from under the bed at night and ate up all the pecan pie. I woke up screaming MY PIE