Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m keeping my wedding small. Probably won’t have a bride.

Wife: can you pick up milk?

Me: [lifts gallon] yea it’s easy

Wife: I mean from the store

Me: I would imagine it weighs the same there too

How to make infinite energy.

“Taco Bell isn’t even good” Yeah I know. Sometimes the raccoon inside of me craves garbage. Leave me & my Crunchwrap alone

Almost fell down the stairs. Will try again tomorrow.

Sorry I slowed down but I had to calculate if the bridge could hold the weight of my car with all the stuffed animals my kids insisted on bringing on vacation

Conflicts may arise but always remember to be the bitter person.

The secret to being a private person is to overshare dumb shit so people think you are an open book but then not tell them any of the important details of your life.

Dear Satan,

God never healed my dyslexia so I’m looking for new religion. Please send some pamphlets. And tell Rudolph hey.

Love,
Me

The invention of locks was a key turning point in history.

Well played, super clean sliding glass door I thought I’d left open. Well played.

[last supper]

jesus: from now on it’s called dinner

Taylor Swift: Hey babe, could you make dinner tonight?

Taylor Swift’s bf: Aw babe I’m really tired tonight

Taylor Swift: (making direct eye contact, slowly reaching for guitar)

Taylor Swift’s bf: I’ll go check the fridge

Me: I want to be like Hemingway.
Friend: a writer?
Me: no. An alcoholic.

My life is a rollercoaster. There’s a lot of sitting down and screaming.

I can’t stop laughing at this

Don’t let anyone tell you that The Godfather isn’t an extremely effective parenting manual.

How many beer trucks can you “accidentally” run into before your insurance company becomes suspicious?

[murder occurs]
ME: how terrible. why can’t we love each other

[someone slightly inconveniences me]
ME: I will execute your entire family

If your kids are getting on your nerves you can take them sledding and watch them face plant into the snow for a sense of justice.

When my son was 3 he had a Guinea pig named rufus. One day he left the cage open & rufus disappeared. I bought a replacement rufus, never told my son & things were going fine until the original rufus showed up and I had to pretend he was rufus’s cousin, roger from philly.

hello 911?
ok first of all, happy new year

Me: Haha I just never know what to do with my hands while getting my picture taken.

Cop taking my mugshot: Just hold still.

when someone messages me a minute after i login to work

I often think that a flower pot falling off of a window sill and onto my head would solve most of my problems.

*walking into our new house*
ME: Whaddya say we christen our new home?
HER: *giggling* OK

*later, flinging holy water*

ME: GET OUT GHOSTS

My coworker replaced her chair with an exercise ball to “work her core.”

I’m eating a giant chocolate chip cookie for breakfast.

I win.

the 4-year-old’s “favorite stick” broke and she wants me to glue it back together. Will she succeed in getting me to fix a god damned stick from nature

I jammed the laundry room door and now I can’t get in there and WHY DIDN’T I THINK OF DOING THIS SOONER?!

I’m convinced that if Earth explodes all the cats will land safely on the moon, on their feet.