my dad put my photo on milk cartons when i went missing because he didn’t want vegans looking for his son
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angel: why did you change the name to ’skunk’?
God: I thought ’stinky cat’ gave away the surprise
At a dinner party, instead of putting names on place cards, just list everyone’s shortcomings and they have figure out where they’re supposed to sit.
I say “Hey man, I got your back.” He thanks me until he collapses from being spineless. I give his back to an infant. “Baby got back.” I say
Toddlers can actually be very generous despite their reputation. Sometimes they’ll even offer you the food from out of their own mouth.
FRIEND: what was the best day of ur life
WIFE: our wedding day
ME (thinking of the time the Coke machine gave me 2 cans instead of 1): same
I think we should have a suggestion box at work but there’s no way for me to bring it up.
Please disregard what I said in an earlier tweet. Just learned the ducks in the park are not “free ducks” and you’re NOT allowed to take one
That awkward sexual tension when everyone leaves the kitchen and you’re left all alone with a chocolate cake.
If you truly want my undivided attention start to tell me something then say never mind
IRL
I was Today Years Old when I find out Labelle are singing “Creole Lady Marmalade” NOT “Be your Lady Marmalade”.
“Any new year’s resolutions?”
“No thank you”
I don’t get invited to birthday parties anymore. I can’t stop yelling PICK A KEY every time they start singing that stupid song
It’s never been safer to eat the rich, at least you know they’re getting tested regularly
ALEX TREBEK: in einstein’s famous equation, this is equal to mc²
DOG:
CAT:
DOLPHIN: *furiously clicking buzzer*
Well, I was having a good day until my son opened up his backpack & handed me a fundraiser envelope.
When someone tells me to ‘Take Care’ I’m all like: Are you threatening me muthafucker? Then we laugh & laugh & then I kill’em, just in case.
Zodiac Killer origin story where he’s bullied by an astrologist
BUZZ ALDRIN: I spy, with my little eye, something beginning with E.
NEIL ARMSTRONG: Earth?
BUZZ: Nope
*5 minutes silence*
BUZZ: OK, yep.
Shy girl has a crush on shy boy.Shy boy has a crush on shy girl.Neither of them say anything.They both do a lot of homework.#VeryRealisticYA
If you wanna be classy, just use the word “whilst.”
Example: I know I just met you, but can you cum on my face whilst I pinch my nipples?
If your problem can be solved by:
Naps
Cake
Drugs
Alcohol
or MurderThen you don’t really have a problem.
Pee pressure > peer pressure
I’m starting to think that guy in 5th grade isn’t going to ask me to couple skate
If satan isn’t real then who invented 3rd grade recorder flute concerts
Was glad my kids didn’t scream for me to come deal with the bug but also concerned when they named him Jerry before they killed it.
Sometimes, even I can’t tell if I’m being sarcastic or if I’m really just a bitch.
Me: I really ought to eat more fruit
Also me: I donut think so
If you love something set it free then immediately tackle it by the legs.
August 8
Recorded myself talking in my sleep and I rhyme a lot. Somehow I’ve developed sleep rapnea.