my dad put my photo on milk cartons when i went missing because he didn’t want vegans looking for his son
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The plant app says that I either watered my plant too much or not enough. Where is that Goldilocks chick when I need her?
Might have to change my avi if people keep asking: “Which one is the dog?”
Kong’s very sensitive.
If you do ever have the opportunity to ride a tandem bicycle by yourself, find a crowded bike path and scream at the top of your lungs “ARE YOU EVEN PEDALING, JANET!?”
My “life hack,” channel on YouTube is super popular but it’s just me ordering my assistant to make a meal, clean the clothes, scale a building using only twine. Put a mastiff face on the cheetah in the CRISPR lab, steal a kidney in a car, not a hotel room…. Pretty mundane.
“911”
you gotta help, my wife is in labour in the backseat
“how far apart are the contractions?”
about 2 miles but I’m driving pretty fast
Some of you reached your wit’s end almost immediately.
Piracy is killing the music industry. You just try playing the guitar with a hook and a patch over your eye.
My 4 year old walks around the house with a walkie talkie clipped on his pants like he’s here installing high speed internet.
I hate hotel duvets. They are so thick, i can’t close my suitcase.
I grew up in a time where your mother’s saliva was the most powerful cleaning agent around.
Check out some of these wacky signs you guys sent in! 👎⚠️ #FallonTonight
I feel bad for all these athletes training for the Olympics in 2016 since we’re all gonna die in 2012
Jesus: Honor my sacrifice by refusing meat on all holy days and each Friday.
John the fisherman: *slides Jesus $20*
Jesus: Also, Fish isn’t meat.
I told a guy on MySpace 16 years ago I would brb. I. Never. Brb’d.
I want to be featured on the news and the caption below me to read *unintelligible screaming*.
Anyone who expects to feel safe in a driverless car has never owned a printer.
Her: this isn’t going to work out
Me: *in the kiddie pool in full scuba gear* Why, what’s wrong?
Meteorologist: Dress for the 70s today.
Me: Okay.
Sometimes having a dog is like watching a toddler –
Hi girl! Why are you sticky? Actually never mind, I don’t wanna know *grabs shampoo*
ME: William Shatner ate breakfast before he goes to the gym.
TEACHER: It should all be present tense.
ME: William Shitner eats breakfast before he goes to the gym.
Sometimes I will do a very simple self-care thing like putting lotion on my hands before bed and be like “that was so easy, I will do this every day” and then forget that I even have hands for the next 6 years.
I’ve reached that age where I don’t have to drink to forget because it just happens naturally now.
There’s a big difference between seminary school and semenary school.
*turns on Barry White*
*lights a candle*
*dims the light*Doctor: So…have you ever had a rectal exam before?
I went to the bathroom at IKEA and needed an Allen wrench to flush the toilet.
I tried to take a picture of myself in the shower, but my camera kept fogging up.
I have selfie steam issues.
LAUGH IT UP NOW MILLENNIALS! IN 30 YEARS YOUR FAVORITE ACTORS WILL BE TALKING TO YOU ABOUT REVERSE MORTGAGES.
I brought my Beats headphones to work, and instead of being left alone, I’ve had 7 rap battles and am in the finals against A$AP Carol.
“just sayin” who asked you though?
Eating Taco Bell shouldn’t count for calories because it’s not around long enough