my dad put my photo on milk cartons when i went missing because he didn’t want vegans looking for his son
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[first date]
HER: I like classic cars
ME: ugh do not get me started on the sequels
Sorry I got confused & grabbed your fist bump like a doorknob.
“I can’t hear you because my eyes are closed.”
– my kid, showing off my exemplary homeschool skills
There is a very fine line between kidnapping an introvert and taking them to a party.
“It’ll be dead soon. Nature abhors a vacuum.”
-commentsivehadafew
My daughter: I know everything
Me: What’s the capital of brazil?
My daughter: that’s a secret
Funny you should ask, I do have extra body bags.
I hate it when cops pull you over to give you pop quizzes like “do you know how fast you were going?”Or “is that a raccoon smoking a joint?”
Guys invented poker as an excuse to stare into each other’s eyes.
I know this now 😂
If smartphones existed in the 80’s, most of us would have a parole officer.
You raised me and taught me everything I know. Happy Father’s Day, internet.
The number of kids you have determines how much time you need to get everyone ready to leave the house. One kid, 30 mins, 2 kids, about an hour. 3 kids, the Tuesday before
lying here thinking of the time i was about to compliment a lady at the gas pumps on her shiny black scarf and then i realized she worked there and just had new trash bags hanging around her neck as she took out the full ones
I finally got some me time away from the kids. Two whole hours. It would’ve been longer but my legs went numb crouching behind the dryer.
Apparently when your wife asks you to get your toddler off your bed she doesn’t mean knock him off with a pillow
Show me a good ab workout and I’ll show you what looks like an alligator stuck on its back.
Lionel Ritchie being British :
🎵 Hello!
Is it tea you’re looking for? 🎵
Friend: Call me when you wake up
[3 days later]
Me: Okay I’m up!
Be careful giving your kids access to the internet. I let my 3-year-old play on my phone for 30 minutes and now she won’t stop talking about a podcast she listened to.
i’ve decided to detach from being non-materialistic
I think I was a horrible mom, bc when my kids refused to put on their shoes before school, they just went without shoes. I also might have laughed when I watched them get escorted to the office… while I stood there with a bag of shoes.
Like certain sexual acts I’ve engaged in, I don’t want to think about how blue cheese is made.
It tastes good and that’s all that matters.
Couldn’t afford a butterfly knife, so I got a caterpillar one. Now, I wait.
When I was pregnant and people would ask where I was registered I’d reply:
Pet Smart, we’re crate training this one
My coffee and I used to be hot. Now, we’re just bitter.
ME: Hi mirror
BEDROOM MIRROR: Hello you flawless hunk
ME: Hi mirror
BATHROOM MIRROR: well if it isn’t the hideous troll of Blemishville
Maybe I’m not depressed. Maybe I just think moving trains need hugs too.
*travels back in time*
*follows Albert Einstein*
*waits for him to trip*
*yells “Way to go, Einstein!”*
*returns satisfied to present*
I bought a metal detector.
Beach better have my money.