@shahrouzt

My dad recently fell for one of those Nigerian prince scam emails. I feel bad for him but I really needed the money.

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@Tmoney68

Doctor said I got this skin rash from an unusually high intake of cream & chocolate. Said it’s the worst case of Cadbury Eggsama he’s seen.

@Roxtalled

Found out the name of my neighbor’s cat.

In other news, I now have free internet.

@carlyken

Doctor: This patient needs exercise. Get him a walker. No that’s a zombie I wanted a walk-oh I see what you did there, nurse
[Everyone dies]

@ozzie31220

I’ve been waxing my car for twenty years and I still don’t know karate.

@murrman5

[to pharmacist getting my pills that make me stop talking about ET]
long day?
“ugh I can’t wait to go home”
know who else wanted to go home

@Underchilde

Do the right thing.

Not right away, but like after you get called out.

@SondraDeeMe

My dance moves are best described as a woman trying to put on pants 4 sizes too small, with a wasp flying around her head.

@Tha1thtgotawy

Dear pansexuals, do you prefer cast iron or nonstick?

Asking for a friend.

@sofarrsogud

Me: I can’t believe I’m only discovering Fleetwood Mac now.

Girlfriend: I’ve heard Rumours

Me: No, it’s true Sandra. They’re an actual band.