I was kinda flattered when the police sketch artist made me better looking.
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<gets pulled over>
Officer- What’s making all that noise in your trunk?
Me- My feelings. I’m trying to dispose of them properly.
The difference between a motel and a hotel is about $200.
whoever named them missiles wasn’t very optimistic
I pretend to be asleep then I actually fell asleep.
Now I’ll pretend I’m skinny.
She’s a ten but she only speaks a long forgotten dead language and her eyes are solid black and she spends too much time on the ceiling.
How to really enjoy the rain:
1. Stand at the window (inside)
2. Put non-tea drinking hand on hip
3. Sip tea from mug
4. Say “look at that rain” or “it’s really coming down now”
5. Ask someone else if it’s raining where they are
6. Say the garden needs it
7. Eat all the biscuits
My daughter claimed that her knife skills are better than Chef Ramsay’s. So I tossed her a potato and asked her to peel it and she said, “With a knife?”
Don’t worry Chef Ramsay, your job is safe!
5-year-old: I wish we all had infinity dollars
Me: That’d wreck the economy
5: I just-
Me: Go to your room until you understand inflation
Where’s my cell?
“Right there.”
That’s not my phone.
“Yes it is. I cleaned it!”
My cell’s white?
The next person who says I’m using chopsticks incorrectly can cut this umbilical cord themselves
A ghost appears in the room. It wants to tell me something, but won’t speak. It throws up it’s hands, as if trapped in another world.
Yeah, great. Just my luck I get haunted by a phantomime.
Daughter: You’re invading my personal space
Mom: You came out of my personal space
Like a crackhead being chased on COPS, but it’s me sprinting from the shed in flip-flops holding a can of wasp spray.
Hit 1,000 followers and a 100 star tweet on the same day! Do you know what that means?!
900 of you don’t read my shit.
I thought I’d buy all my scratch off lottery tickets at the busiest gas station in town. What? Oh no I don’t know which ones I’ll pick them out when i get to the register
“How much plagiarizing gets you arrested?” And other delightful ways my 12yo says goodnight.
this will be the year i finally unclench my jaw
My 3yo told me he was going to clean up the mess by punching it and I was like, “Dude, I’ve tried and it doesn’t work.”
Me: I think I’m suffering from auditory hallucinations.
Narrator: There was no narrator.
Shout out to political bumper stickers, changing nobody’s mind and lowering the value of your car and whatnot.
You never get a second chance to make a first impression…
…and so I bite.
nobody is putting drugs in your kids halloween candy. tell them to get jobs and buy their own.
M:$50 on the ginger with face tattoos
H: Ma’am those aren’t tattoos, they’re freckles and you can’t bet on a 6th grade spelling bee
HAMMOND: and then I extract the dinosaur blood from the mosquitoes
DR. GRANT: are you gonna use it to clone them?
HAMMOND: *takes sip from trex blood smoothie* use it to what?
Dear ladies who wear black tights and red shoes:
Please stop.
Minnie Mouse is not a style icon for grown women.
Love,
M
*Michael Cera stubs his toe on a cotton ball*
Another beautiful day to waste the utopian potential of social media on social media.
We can put a man on the moon but we can’t reference any other achievements?
I know it’s fiction but the logic in The Walking Dead is so skewed it is impossible to suspend disbelief.
An Asian guy named Glenn?
Please
Queen Elizabeth dresses like she’s about to go to prom with Steve Harvey