My dad recently fell for one of those Nigerian prince scam emails. I feel bad for him but I really needed the money.

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People who love dark chocolate are always so snobby about it. Relax. It’s just chocolate, you elitist ninnies.


Wife: I want a divorce.

Me: [into drive-thru intercom] One divorce please.


I bet a lot of guys who don’t think that rape is a big deal were super upset when that U2 album was put on their phone without consent.


Apparently I’m a bad mother for having a lip piercing. Actually sir, that is a zit. Thank you for pointing it out.


I feel like something is missing from my life and I don’t know if it’s a person, a puppy, or just a burrito.


*writing résumé*
Strengths? I’m great at multitasking
*explosion in kitchen*
My popcorn!
*car crashes through fence*
I forgot I was driving!


No thanks farting robot on the wall I’ll use the paper towels to dry my hands nice try though


Most drug-sniffing dogs refuse to admit they have a problem