My dad recently fell for one of those Nigerian prince scam emails. I feel bad for him but I really needed the money.

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Doctor said I got this skin rash from an unusually high intake of cream & chocolate. Said it’s the worst case of Cadbury Eggsama he’s seen.


Found out the name of my neighbor’s cat.

In other news, I now have free internet.


Doctor: This patient needs exercise. Get him a walker. No that’s a zombie I wanted a walk-oh I see what you did there, nurse
[Everyone dies]


I’ve been waxing my car for twenty years and I still don’t know karate.


[to pharmacist getting my pills that make me stop talking about ET]
long day?
“ugh I can’t wait to go home”
know who else wanted to go home


Do the right thing.

Not right away, but like after you get called out.


My dance moves are best described as a woman trying to put on pants 4 sizes too small, with a wasp flying around her head.


Dear pansexuals, do you prefer cast iron or nonstick?

Asking for a friend.


Me: I can’t believe I’m only discovering Fleetwood Mac now.

Girlfriend: I’ve heard Rumours

Me: No, it’s true Sandra. They’re an actual band.