my dad: [rising up from behind couch]
the new ppl that live in that house now: wtf
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I’m really bad at measuring the correct amount of pasta when cooking, so if you and 79 of your friends want spaghetti tonight…I got extra.
Girl: Hi
Guy: Hey
Girl brain: What did he mean? Is he in love with me? I need to analyze this for hours with my gfs
Guy brain: I’d do her
Non-stick pan manufacturers: Do not scrub the pan roughly
Also non-stick pan manufacturers: *will stick their label right in the middle of the pan with glue that never comes off easy*
I want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the house-sitter like: “If the leopard gets lost in the hedge maze, play Sade and he’ll find his way back.”
*checks kid’s backpack*
*finds papers from September and a liquefied banana*
*zips backpack and walks away*
The invention of fish in the early 1900’s was the best thing to ever happen to the tartar sauce industry.
i left 11 and 8 at home to run down the street to get tacos. when i came back 8 was out in the yard (3 acres) clipping the grass with tiny scissors. exactly what a drunk person would do.
Apparently the safe word has changed to…
NOT THERE IDIOT!!! Followed by a swift elbow to the eye….
Ratatouille (2007) – A terrible chef knowingly allows a rat infestation in his employer’s kitchen to distract from his gross incompetence.
super glad this box of pasta says “store in a cool dry place” because i usually keep all of my groceries in a bog
Yeah I can explain that gap on my resume – I tried to move a picture in Word
Her: Have you sold anything since you became a writer?
Me *stares around my empty house* everything
Like Carrie at the prom but it’s just me after a spaghetti dinner and too much red wine.
I’m not like other girls, I know when I’m being irrational. I don’t let it stop me, but still
If you die* in your dream, you die* in real life.
*pee
Cookies from Best to Worst:
1. Chocolate chip
2. Girl Scout
3. Oreos
…
…
727. Browser
728. Tossed
729. Raisin
Not doing anything with my life is surprisingly time consuming
Today I caught my grandpa urinating with the door open. Which is no big deal, but it’s annoying when I’m trying to drive.
Sharp cheeses are so much better than dull cheeses
Astronauts wear helmets to hide their tears when they discover the moon isn’t made of cheese.
if i die from eating a tide pod, please bury me in the traditional fashion:
warm/cold water
15 mins extra soak
permanent press cottons
COVID-19 helping people realise that some meetings can be emails.
Absolutely stellar ‘people in the papers pointing at the thing that’s made them angry’ today
Before couples have children, they should walk head-on into a Category 5 hurricane to make sure they’re ready.
I wish my wife was one of those government agents who aren’t allowed to talk about what they did at work all day.
My 10 y/o likes pineapple “as long as it’s not the pineapple kind of pineapple.” We’ve entered a new front in her War Against Fruit.
Me: *eating a breakfast bowl with turkey sausage and egg whites* hmm only 270 calories
Also me: *sprinkles half a cup of shredded cheese on top* that’s better
The best thing about going to see a film with your child is them insisting on going to the toilet 2 minutes before the end.
Friend said I was becoming antisocial. Ridiculous. You build one little moat and people jump to hasty conclusions.
I got 99 tabs open but my work ain’t one.