my dad: [rising up from behind couch]
the new ppl that live in that house now: wtf
You Might Also Like
A couple I know went hiking for their 25th anniversary which sounded shady to me.
When life hands you a komodo dragon suddenly the times you got lemons seem pretty cool.
With trump being a potential candidate I feel like the Simpsons are sitting on their couch watching an episode of us
Chinese takeaway – £17
Delivery charge – £1
Realising the idiots have forgot one of your containers – Riceless
I don’t need money to buy happiness. I’m already happy. I just want the monies.
me: thinking about getting into necrophilia
her: over my dead body
me: that’s the spirit
If the chef tells me he made this with blood, sweat, and tears I’m calling the health department
Last minute Christmas shopping at Costco in the 10 TVs or less line.
I can also cook 😂
him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here
me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news
might quit my job to focus on actually putting away my laundry
I suspected my marriage was in trouble when I’d meet my husband for dinner then we would both race home to make out with the babysitter.
Me: If moths like light so much why haven’t they all flown into the Sun?
Boss:does anyone have any work related questions?
[stewardess]
“Sir, even if you ARE, as you say, the REAL Slim Shady- the captain has asked for all passengers to remain seated at this time”
I was overcharged by a plumber!
So, I’ve been secretly training a gorilla to roll barrels at people.
Tomorrow, we’re kidnapping his girl.
it’s fun to mess with teachers by training your kids to review books with terms like “sophomoric” and “pedestrian”
getting a cast iron skillet so i can still not do my dishes, but now people will think i’m classy
Had to submit my CV for something and they asked why there was a three month gap between finishing school and starting university lol
Could you set a lightsaber on low and use it as a back scratcher?
Every McDonald’s should have a flag they fly at half mast when the ice cream machine is down.
[puts on a song to set the mood]
date: …is this the monster mash?
Just looked up my son’s search history.
Sure hope he learned a lot about girl’s Virginias.
How to make ‘Small Talk’ with an Introvert:
Step 1: Identify the introvert
Step 2: Smile at the introvert and walk away without speaking
Step 3: Understand that the introvert enjoyed your time together
Nothing is more reliable than a sleeve sliding down your arm as you’re washing your hands
My best friend’s marriage is such an inspiration.
As a reminder that there are worse things than dying alone.
Atheists are Popeless romantics.
I wonder if somewhere there’s a seal colony that likes listening to a singer named Human.
When I find someone else’s grocery list in a shopping cart I use it….see where it takes me.
I can relate to Alice in Wonderland. She just keeps randomly eating and drinking with the hope that it might magically solve her problems.