my dad: [rising up from behind couch]
the new ppl that live in that house now: wtf
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There are 2 wolves inside me and they’re both eating tacos
Me: Don’t look at me that way. Everyone pees in the shower.
Her: Yes. Most people have the shower running.
M:
H: Please leave Home Depot.
I bet zombies feel the same way about mannequins as I do about oatmeal raisin cookies.
I think that’s enough internet for one day…
It happened. I witnessed the most Philly thing ever.
A fight broke out DURING a showing of the Mister Rogers movie.
COW: I’m constipated
DR DOG: when was ur last bowel moooo-vement lol
C: ur doing puns right now?
DD: gonna milk this for all its worth lmao
They say as your kids get older they get more likeable but that can’t be true because my parents still don’t like me
“We don’t have iced coffee”
Me: “You have coffee?”
“Yes”
Me: “You have ice?”
“Yes”
Me: “Were you raised in a barn?”
“these Kate Middleton pics will silence internet critics” I don’t think u understand how badly you’ve fucked this. there are now people on the internet who could SHAKE HER HAND and still claim she’s four cats in a wig
My co-worker was accused of flipping off the boss. I told HR that it couldn’t have been him because he never lifts a finger to do anything.
Dance like you know what you’re supposed to do with your arms while dancing
Welcome to Insomnia Club. God dammit Bob. BOB. Steve wake Bob up. Steve?
You can let me hold your baby I won’t drop it. If you think I’m the kind of person who would drop a baby you’re flat wrong. And if you’re the sort of person who believes unsubstantiated rumors about me dropping babies, well I just feel sorry for you.
[texting]
me: touching my duck n thinking of you
her: gross, go to hell
me: *patting my duck’s head* don’t worry quack sparrow, she didn’t mean it
[falling asleep, my hand dangles over the side of the bed]
[a pale ghostly hand emerges from under the bed, slides its cold dead fingers between mine]
Me, squeezing back: Awww.
“Woah woah hey woah”
[me attempting to breakup a fight]
Writing advice: Write well, not badly. Keep writing until the book is finished. After you’re finished, get the book published. Sell a lot of copies, not just a few.
Nobody is happy. Be like Nobody.
It’s not so bad once you convince your kids that Santana is Christmas music.
You’re going to have to be just a tiny bit more specific for me, bud
Me*taps wife’s shoulder*Whatcha doin?
wife:Meditating
me*still tapping*Why?
wife: It helps me relax
me*still tapping* Is it working?
wife:No
Today my 6yo said it was good it’s snowing, as that means the earth isn’t getting hotter, and tonight she starts as an anchor on Fox News.
Coffee is ready.
My nightie is conspiring to kill me in my sleep by pythonic constriction.
I melted down all my various rewards cards into a universal “Rewards Dagger” that gets me a discount everywhere.
I just got back from a father and son fishing trip. I caught four fathers and nine sons.
That mini-heartattack you get when you sport a typo in your tweet.
Boobs are to men what laser pointers are to cats.
COP: I’m arresting you
ME: oh no
COP: You must make one phone call
ME: OH NO
I just unlocked the “My House Was Robbed Because I Checked in on Foursquare” badge on Foursquare!