My dad said he couldn’t get into Game of Thrones because he doesn’t like fantasy so I asked him when he was going to stop watching Fox News.
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Dogs: I could vomit on the vinyl floor but this carpet two inches to the right seems better
“A little help here, Danny?”
“What state are we in now?”
-kids, 5 minutes into a 15-hour road trip
I got a T-shirt with an Ouija board printed on the back and now I get free massages from superstitious people.
i was just about to start being a good person but then i got mildly inconvenienced
my grandma has a secret tuna casserole recipe that involves a 911 call
Husband: you’re in great condition.
Me: are you complimenting me or writing a craigslist ad?
Kids: What’s for supper?
Me: Well, I didn’t have the ingredients to make a traditional Irish boiled dinner, so I’m just using what we’ve got.
[5 mins later]
Wife: WHY ARE THERE 6 HOT POCKETS BOILING ON THE STOVE
Maybe she’s born with zits, maybe it’s methamphetamine
Newlywed: We can overcome anything, cause we’re in love!
10 yrs later: If he leaves time on the microwave again I’m gonna set him on fire.
“I don’t buy flowers for girls because they die” yeah well so do the flowers
*at the vet*
me: my new cat won’t stop hissing
vet: ma’am this is a cockroach
me: oh crap. that pet store ripped me off
I’ve decided to donate my brain to science.
[years later, my brain is used to prop open the Science door]
I’m going to be a piñata for Halloween: nearly broke & full of candy
I just had a moment of clarity. Glad that’s over with.
For legacy verified accounts whose check hasn’t disappeared, for just $7 a month I will reply to every one of your posts and tell people you didn’t pay for twitter.
Him: We’re going to the river, I should bring my wallet
Me: No just leave it here, wtf do you need it for?
His friend: She doesn’t want you to be found with any identifiers
Amazon problems:
1920: pirahna
1990: losing rainforest
2017: wrong size
No need to write it down, I’ve a photographic memory
*looks hard af*
*pukes polaroid*
I am fed up with all these incest jokes about us Kentuckians. It’s offensive to me as well as Uncle Dad.
pilot: we’re approaching 30,000 feet
me, looking out window nervously: what are they doing up here
Everyone hates millennials until it’s time to convert a PDF into a Word document
Me: I think I’ll try to lose 5 pounds.
HIM: That would be good.
ME: WHAT DO YOU MEAN THAT’S GOOD?
HIM: ….
ME: *rage opens Oreos*
I saw my dog eat yellow snow this weekend… and I’d still take her advice before yours.
Whoever coined, “No good deed goes unpunished,” must have fed some seagulls.
I think my dog just OD’d on lightening bugs. I didn’t even know that was a thing. Please teach your pets about bug addiction
ME: I have an appointment for 1:30
RECEPTIONIST: may I have your last name?
ME: omg *tearing up* yes, I’ll marry you
One time I tried to pull off the Ariana Grande cat ears but I just looked like Barf from Spaceballs.
Swallowed a bunch of tiny figurines and gems before my colonoscopy, because my proctologist deserves a little mystery and wonder.
*all the Avengers line up to face Thanos*
THANOS: who’s the purple guy
IRON MAN: that’s Hawkeye
THANOS: oh
THOR: he shoots arrows
THANOS: like magical ones?
CAPTAIN AMERICA: *pauses* just regular ones
THANOS: I see
HAWKEYE: you guys know I can hear you right