My dad said he thinks his new gf is the one and I said well technically she’s the fifth one
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[a shark bites my arm off at the bicep]
me: “MY TATTOOS”
Why is it like a quirky thing that Biden likes ice cream. Call me when he starts eating a bowl of whole peppercorns
The next person to ring the doorbell on a Saturday trying to sell something will be subjected to my 6yo’s full lecture on lizards, and let me warn you, it’s long
My two-year olds have reached the age where they can remember when I’ve told them that we’ll do something “later” and I don’t want to overstate it but I’m pretty sure this is the worst thing that’s ever happened to me.
Me: Cute cat. What’s his name?
Date: Mr. Yum Yum Burger.
Me: Why can’t a cat just be Mike?
Date: I don’t see a future for us.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: Might I suggest a shower?
Employee: Sir you’ve been in that changing room for half an hour, what are you doing?
Me: *Crying* WAITING FOR IT TO WORK
not to brag, but mine was free
Really, every section of the greeting card aisle could be called “Societal Obligation.”
I played Dodgeball…
I got Bullied….
I ate Gluten…
I didn’t get Participation Trophies…
I turned out fine…
So will your kid…
I can’t stop laughing at this I haven’t stopped laughing at this for the last 45 minutes
good work, detective
Bird seed is amazing. I sprinkled some on the garden and when I checked 10 minutes later lots of new little birds had already sprung up.
My Jewish mother freaked out when I told her I wanted to be like Dre, but relaxed when I told her that he was a doctor.
My teenage son Filbert was ejected from the Young Republicans for naming his pet lizard Bernie Salamanders. You bet your buns he’s grounded.
Calling in stupid to work tomorrow
I think the saying “every man for himself” was made up by women tired of making sandwiches
wife: did you vacuum under the couch
me: yep I did the whole basement
“I don’t think Gay Guys should be able to get abortions”
-Me when someone asks me a question that I don’t know the answer to.
me: genocide is bad
guy: i totally agree, but just to play devil’s advocate, what if it’s actually good?
me: it’s not
guy: *pulling out pre-prepared notes* no i totally hear you, but actually it is
me: a-are those laminated
4: “Can I say fuh?”
Me: “Don’t…”
4: “Can I say king?!”
Me: “NoooOOOOOOO!”
I got hot wax at the car wash and now the vehicle is hairless.
Stranger adds me to facebook
*has a panic attack*Creepy as hell stranger follows on twitter
*does victory dance*
Ouija boards are like unannounced phone calls for ghosts
We’re living in two Stephen King novels. The Dead Zone and The Stand. If clowns show up I’m done.
Dentist: Have you been flossing?
Attorney: *covers mic* You don’t have to answer that
I thought that I heard you laughing.
I thought that I heard you sing.
I think I thought I saw you try to parallel park for twenty minutes.
I’m sorry, but pouring some sugar on someone just sounds like a housekeeping nightmare.