My dad said he thinks his new gf is the one and I said well technically she’s the fifth one
You Might Also Like
Guy at the Supermarket: Excuse me sir, do you want to donate to Diabetes?
Me: No, thank you. I’m opposed to Diabetes.
[My relationship with TV]
There’s nothing on.
*watches nothing for the next six hours.
[bleeding out]
ER Doctor: do you know your blood type?
ME: I’ve never really thought about it TBH. As long as it has a good personality
So hot these last few days I’ve consumed 1,473,968 gallons of water and only peed 3 times
Pluto wasn’t even a planet for a full year on Pluto. Do you ever think about that? No. You only think about yourself.
Death hack: bury your loved ones with their fitness trackers for a low-cost early zombie alert system.
You: I got a headache.
WebMD: It’s gonna be your last one.
Got a bottle of Omega 3 thrown at me.. Luckily, my injuries were only super fish oil🙃
Just yelled “out of my way monsters!” at a flock of seagulls, so I’m done interacting socially for the day
[FIRST DATE]
Me, opening mouth seductively: “And this is where I burned my tongue on pizza, and this is where I burned my tongue on fries, a
KFC: A secret blend of 11 herbs and spices
Me: Does that include salt and pepper?
KFC: Blend of 9 secret herbs and spices
Who called it Thanksgiving and not the Nightmare before Christmas?
They’re testing the tornado sirens here just to remind us that Mother Nature is not a one trick pony.
James is coming over.
“James from work or James who thinks he’s a leprechaun?”J: TOP O’ THE MORNIN’ TO YA!
“I’ll hide the Lucky Charms.”
i would like to meet the marketing/branding team that goes to work every morning, satisfied that this is the logo that represents their business
Planning to edit the three Hobbit movies into one watchable movie. Should I use Instagram or Vine?
[amazon dropping off my order]
Me: yes! my new recliner arrived!
Cat: yes! my new scratch pad arrived!
Me:
Cat: Tomato Tomahto
Vet: We have to put his dog down
Assistant: You tell him
Vet: No, you
Assistant: You!
Vet: YOU!
John Wick: What are you two whispering about?
I haven’t watered my plants in months and they’re thriving!
-my kid not realizing what moms do
As a tall girl, spending less time on Twitter was a business decision that I made after discovering that my arms have a longer reach than my tweets.
How are you supposed to buy a gift for your mom as an adult? It’s like, oh you gave birth to me? Please enjoy this fancy candle.
Me: This dating app doesn’t send me any good matches.
Friend: That’s an Etch-A-Sketch.
I’m listening to an anger management podcast and after every point the host makes he directs us to his website to buy his program and ngl it’s pissing me off
GREAT WHITE SHARK: *Jumps out of water & eats seal*
JUST OK WHITE SHARK: *Frantically waves flipper to try & get seaweed off but can’t*
[first time interrogating a suspect by myself]
Me: we know you did it
Suspect: did what?
Me [long pause while looking over notes]: crimes
My favorite word in the English language is “Amen” because when I hear it I know you’re finally done asking Me for stupid shit.
Unpopular Star Wars theory:
R2-D2 actually speaks English throughout the franchise, but all we hear is beeps because he won’t stop cussing
I really only wanna grow old so I can get the senior discount at thrift stores
My former lover describes his beloved: “She’s amazing in a hundred different ways.” My guy describes me: “Chatty.”
just weaponized “with all due respect” at my condo board. and now we wait.