Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

H: How’s your day?
M: Just about to wine down.
H: You mean wind?
M: nope

Cat: I want attention.
Me: *pets cat*
Cat: the f*** you think you’re doing??

Imagine the havoc if raccoons could fly. Rotund shadows grow larger over a pizza guy moments before he’s swarmed by snarling, handsy demons.

Imagine the trouble she has trying to introduce herself in France.

Sorry I didn’t call you back, I got distracted for 7 years when I had kids

My family said if I don’t get a Facebook, they’d all get a Twitter
I sacrificed myself for all of twitter kind
I’m the Jesus of social media

“Can I maim myself with it?” – my toddler’s mental checklist before deciding to play with something

I was misbehaving during family game night. So now I’m in Solitaire confinement.

My kids are yelling so incoherently at one another it sounds like they’re naming IKEA furniture.

8: Mama, did you read this story when you were a kid?
Me: *smiling* Why yes, I did.
8: It’s a really old story then, I guess.

BRAAAAAIDS

-zombie sleepover

This one never gets the credit it deserves

Me: dang those wings were spicy

WebMD: you have cancer

Me: I just ate buffalo wings I’m pretty sure it’s just heartburn

WebMD: ᵇᵘᶠᶠᵃˡᵒ ᶜᵃⁿᶜᵉʳ

It’s no longer a Twittercide, it’s Xterminated.

WAITER: u can choose between 5 potato options and a salad

ME: the 5 potato options, please

78 just had a pacemaker implanted & now he reckons he’s a cyborg. I told him he needs more replacements to qualify…

I’m no longer his favourite kid.

I’m not saying my 4yo is an optimist, but while putting groceries away he held up a bag of cookies and said “I’ll just keep these in my room, ok?”

I’m trying to use this rotisserie to bbq an owl but he won’t stop looking at me.

5 yo me: Throw my ducky in the bath
15 yo me: Throw on some tunes while im in the bath
30 yo me: Throw the toaster in while im in the bath

Eating in my 40s is confusing: I’m young enough that I still need to take care of my body, but old enough that I don’t want to risk having a salad as my last meal.

BOSS: There’s limited parking at the event so we are going to carpool

ME (pulling a pair of floaties out of my desk drawer): oh hell yeah

“My clothes don’t fit” should be a valid excuse not to go to work.

When your kid asks you where the other parent is, they’re really saying that they’d like to speak with the manager.

BECAUSE IT’S A PERVERT

Forced homeschooling has taught me I had way too many kids

Father of Prodigal Son: For this my son was dead, and is alive again! He was lost, and is found!

Fatted Calf: This cannot be good

just got CPR certified if yall know anyone dead or dying tell them hml

I love my family: I bought a really cool green gourd at the grocery store on the way to the beach & everyone’s first thought is we need to do a photo shoot of the gourd on the beach

I don’t stroke my beard to seem wise. I’m just trying to get the crumbs out before you notice.

Villain: We meet again, Mr. Bond
Bond: You don’t remember my 1st name do you
Villain: Sure I do. It’s uh..
Bond: C’mon this is our 3rd fight