My Dad said he wanted tools for Father’s Day, so I brought my ex and my boyfriend.
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If he can’t build a wall, Trump is going to dig a giant hole at the border and cover it with a welcome mat like it’s a Road Runner cartoon.
Missed my workout yesterday which makes it four years in a row
If the USA is so great, why did someone make the USB
When I hear my kids try to insult each other with “yo momma” jokes, I end up yelling how I’m not fat or stupid.
nurse: time of death
doctor: 4:19—
[i take one last breath]
doctor: it’s still 4:19 you idiot
Me, getting murdered: Those had better not be my fabric scissors, buddy.
Every once in a while someone really special walks into your life. That person is usually delivering a pizza
yeah i got a gym membership. its called life. watch me lift this big ass rock. now im gonna do 20 reps of pretending im a beautiful bird
Many English names are derived from occupations, like Fletcher (arrow maker), Cooper (barrel maker), or Cunningham (tricky pig).
Super irresponsible to host a murder mystery party when real murders go unsolved
Facebook’s great for when you wanna see a picture or a joke you saw on Twitter four years ago
DATE: *looking at dessert menu* are you thinking what i’m thinking
ME: *smiling* let’s say it together
DATE: 1,2,3! ice cream
ME: why does “Open” start with a closed circle and “Closed” start with an open cirrrice cream
Why did the chemist’s pants keep falling down?
Because he had no acetol
Happy Lunch to those who celebrate!
*i open my briefcase, take out a picture of a block of velveeta cheese & slide it across the table to my financial manager*
how can i purchase one of these?
Today I learned that wolves are not ticklish. Tomorrow I need to learn how to tie my shoes with one hand.
I borrowed $500 from a co-worker then paid a homeless guy $8 to kill him in a McDonald’s bathroom. I’m up $405 or whatever.
No I don’t want to ride in a basket beneath your giant flying fire tent.
Steven: I love you
Stephen: I lophe you too
Just a small bowl of cereal to take the edge off.
*grabs mixing bowl*
does any one know where i could find some Unsolicited advice? preferably from people with weird personality disorders who dont know anything
Stop asking me about my five year plan.
Let me eat my pizza in peace and denial.
her: can you put egg plant on the shopping list
me: *writes* ‘chicken’
Damn…CAPTCHAs getting hard.
ME: If you won a gold medal you’d wear it all the time too
FRIEND: Ok but that’s a parking ticket
My friend is so frugal if he starts dreaming good he wakes up so as to not spend it all at one time.
When you’re on a date that’s not going well, just start talking about genital psoriasis.
You’re welcome.
Wife: You need a shower
Me: The pressure’s too low
Wife: OK, have a shower or I’m taking the kids
I eat my sandwich over a piece of bread, so when stuff falls out…BOOM! another sandwich.
Her: I can’t believe you’re leaving me. Is there someone else?
Me: I’ve told you, Brenda, I just really need to focus on my karate right now.
Her: But you’re 57 and a green belt.
Me: Exactly.