My dad says “sometimes I say shit just so she’ll give me the silent treatment!” True love! 🙂
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[first day as a scientist]
Scientist: you have a budget of $1.3m
*2 weeks later*
Scientist: we need a progress update
Me [has blown the budget on an army of genetically engineered dog size giraffes]: wind is basically air in a hurry
I always wear a wet suit and goggles to the pub so I don’t look like an idiot when I wake up on the beach in the morning.
waitress: and for you?
me: egg
waitress: what does that mean sweetie, can you be more specific
me, carefully cupping my hands into a small oval shape: egg
Do Flat Earthers also believe the sun and moon are flat?
Like, is the entire solar system just a mismatched collection of space dinner plates?
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: [looks at lawyer]
Lawyer: [mouths “not guilty”]
Me: hot milky
L: *bangs head on desk* FFS just lock him up
Daughter: Dad, can I have some Kit Kat for my snack tonight?
Me: Absolutely not
D: Why?
M: Because I said so
D: Because you ate them?
M: Yes
Me: I love holding your hands
Him, pulling at restraints: does it have to be behind my back
(to kid at lemonade stand) i ain’t buying shit until i find you on yelp
Child: Mommy said I’m allowed to say the C-word now.
Me: Uh. What C-word?
Child: The bad one.
Me:
Child:
Me: Mommy is letting you say-
Wife [running in from other room]: CRAP SHE MEANS CRAP
I made a cool diagram of how the Spanish Flu worked in 1918.
Prepare to receive the horse that you deserve
That awkward moment when you text a pretty girl, “my shirt smells like you” & you misspell shirt
My child just threatened to never watch tv again and I can’t decide if he’s really bad or really good at threats.
I avoid eye contact like everyone is trying to sell me $20 fundraiser popcorn.
[Dinner party]
ME: *holding a plate of empty shells* Boy, those oysters were filling.
HOST: MY TURTLES!
Ask your doctor if Drugs™ are right for you. If he says no give him a wedgie and stuff him in a locker he is a nerd.
My wife took our kids to the aquarium the other day and then our 5yo asked me if one weekend I could “take us to outer space”
Take your ex out tonight (one bullet oughtta do it)
Review of “grandma”: slow, slow-witted, terrified of technology, can’t bench for shit, no karate, basically racist ★☆☆☆☆
me: will i go to jail in the future
psychic: no
me: gimme your wallet and empty the register
9: How old was I when I was 3?
me *grabs hammer* *smashes college fund jar*
After being raised on Disney movies I’m very disappointed how few adult problems can be solved by a good song and dance
For my new tattoo, I’m totally getting a chest piece of a chess piece, cause its fun to be a pun.
The CDC website had a recipe for a quarantine cocktail made with vodka. It doesn’t taste very good but goddamn it gets your hands clean.
Melania Trump says her husband is “not Hitler.” That’s true. Hitler had a mustache and adult-sized hands.
Me: It’s America’s birthday!
Kid: Like Brave?
Me: Yes! Home of the brave. So smart!
Kid: I like her orange hair.
Me: …ok let’s start over.
Got excited because I found $20 in the laundry. Then I remembered my kids don’t have jobs and the money was probably mine.
Just learned an important lesson: When texting “wish you were here,” that last e kind of makes it or breaks it.
Whales accidentally eat 8 people in their sleep every year