My dad says “sometimes I say shit just so she’ll give me the silent treatment!” True love! 🙂
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I liked the old days, when people tried to keep the fact that they were idiots to themselves.
Alas, my disappointment when I walked into Banana Republic and wasn’t greeted by Chancellor Banana Bananason
Oh, I just remembered. You’re boring…. and my legs work!
My husband still talks about that one time he loaded the dishwasher correctly like it’s going to get our kids into Harvard.
When you smile and laugh and pretend you heard a word they said.
~ Night club conversations and marriage
Randomly covering one eye for long periods of time so people think I’m part of that cult
i hate when people wait in the chat as u type… mf can i get some privacy??
I got into a fight with 1, 3, 5, 7, and 9.
The odds were against me.
me: hey dad will you pass the turkey
dad: *pats belly* I sure hope so son
*inventing the mirror*
“People don’t have enough to worry about.”
Don’t call them paint “chips” if you don’t want me to snack on em.
sure nickleback is great but have you guys ever heard of quarterback? they’re like 5 times better
11: how large is Scotland Yard?
Me: a yard is 3 feet. So…
11: never mind, I will ask google.
Me: [watching news]
Child: Why do you watch the news?
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child: I asked-
Me: I’M THINKING
Dogs are man’s best friend because a dog would never blindside you with an eleven person group text.
Adam: are you naked?
Eve: yeah I don’t give a fig
I forget how hitchhiking works- do I murder them or do they murder me? I don’t want it to be awkward.
At the age where a big break could mean either my career or a hip
TV shows when an actress is pregnant IRL but not in the show:
I don’t use chocolate chip cookies to solve my problems, only treat the symptoms.
A good way to make sure people leave you alone at work? Let them catch you laughing at the urinal
Restaurant review: the food definitely breaks apart when you chew it. Menu has letters. People were there too.
I’m really happy because my pill bottle says, Do not iron while taking this medication.
My friend just broke up with her man. I really helped her through the break up by letting her know he’s no good in bed anyway.
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Can I box any of this food for you?”
Me: “You can uppercut this piece of chicken.”
every single time
*experiencing the extremely obvious consequences of my actions*
The universe is so mysterious
“Oh man, you’ve got stretched lobes and piercings? I’ve got stretched lobes and piercings, too!”
“Sweet! We should hang out!”
– Ear buds
So if you want to be sure your internet history is deleted, just whisper ‘please delete my internet history’ into any hole on the computer