My dad says “sometimes I say shit just so she’ll give me the silent treatment!” True love! 🙂
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Wearing a rollerblade on one foot and an ice skate on the other so you are prepared for any type of terrain.
Has anyone told ice cream shops about big napkins?
I just dropped my phone in the toilet and for a second I stood over it and thought, “That’s where it belongs.”
[first date]
me: are you a reader?
date: omg i love reading
me: [handing her my menu] thank god
some guy in the 7-eleven said “it was only a kiss” into his phone and the other 3 of us in the store all yelled IT WAS ONLY A KISS anyway i think he is gonna be getting divorced soon
Today I went to the bathroom without a phone. There are 72 tiles on the bathroom floor.
I’m not ready to adopt a highway I can barely raise my own driveway.
Sleep is the body’s best safety mechanism. It keeps you from screwing things up for 8 hours.
{commercial for Hallmark}
This Valentine’s Day, get her that piece of paper she always wanted with words on it.
[After Sex]
Him: how was it for you?
Shakira’s hips: well…
Any job can be a temp job if you forcibly swaddle your boss like an infant
If any of my ex-girlfriends are reading this, I want you to know I’m eating chicken nuggets with THREE different dipping sauces, you blew it
“Hello, 912”
wait did u say 912?
“yup”
I meant to dial 911
“happens all the time”
lol I’m such a goof
“haha right?”
my neighbor got stabbed
if HBO wants me to watch a Game Of Thrones spin off I want a personal apology for season 8. 12 pt font, double spaced, no funny business on the margins
godzilla: *godzilla roar*
me: godzilla, can we try using our inside voice?
godzilla: (sheepishly) …may i please have a snack
[Wife sweeping up all the dog hair into one big pile and answers the phone]
30 seconds later…
Kid: Look mom fur angels
“NOAH. YOU WILL BUILD AN ARK”
k
“NOT “K” THIS IS IMPORTANT”
Sorry
“THATS OK. TAKE 2 OF EVERY ANIMAL ON IT”
Even fish?
*THUNDER*
“NO NOT FISH
doktor: are you enjoying the weather?
me: yes. it is very outside
Sorry for levitating at the end of your bed all night, I just think you’re really cute
I’m at a hockey game and the players weren’t really trying but then a guy 5 rows up yelled “come on” and then they tried harder.
Me: I’m having a heart attack
My brother: I’ll get the defibrillator
Me (grabbing his arm): no, get it now
[sees old lady drop $20]
Devil on Shoulder: Grab her cash!
Devil on other Shoulder: And push her over!
I remember when it was called “drinking a glass of water” instead of “hydrating.”
They say 9 or 10 is a good age to tell your kid they were adopted, but only IF they were adopted.
My wife’s written “iron school uniform” on a note. She’s full of bright ideas, but to me this sounds heavy and impractical.
Me: THE CAKE IS TAKING TOO LONG
Priest: it’s objections to the marriage, specifically
Your boss takes you way more serious if you text him a picture of him sleeping in bed..
Once I shot a man with a paintball gun, just to watch him dye.
interviewer: can you explain these gaps in your resume?
me: umm I believe those are from the space bar