Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

After 23 years together my wife asked me why I test out couches by laying on them. It’s like she doesn’t even know my track record by now

So guy walks up to me and puts his fist out for a bump and somehow I reach out, grab it and shake slightly.
If you need me I’ll be behind hiding my couch forever..

Merry Christmas to everyone except the guy who wrote the instructions on how to put this trampoline together.

They say nothing rhymes with orange. I must be pronouncing it wrong.

you haven’t truly known fear until a long-forgotten furby in the back of your bedroom closet starts screaming in an australian accent at 3am

Don’t invite me over unless you are trying to secretly transfer a cursed object to me.

HE DRINKS A WHISKEY DRINK

HE DRINKS A VODKA DRINK

HE DRINKS A LAGER DRINK

HE DRINKS A CIDER DRINK

HE SINGS THE SONGS THAT REMIND HIM OF THE GOOD TIMES

HE TELLS HIS DOCTOR THAT HE ONLY DRINKS LIKE MAYBE ONCE OR TWICE A WEEK HONESTLY ITS JUST KIND OF A SOCIAL THING

OHHHHHHHH

[screaming from my front porch] You teens get off my lawn and register to vote!

Can hardly wait until my winter fat turns into spring rolls.

I forgot the term “kidney stones” so I called them pee pebbles.

Welcome to middle age. Prepare to pay for everything you’ve done to your body over the last 40 years.

me at 26: i am a hideous troll
me at 28: *looking at a picture of myself at 26* wow what beauty i once possessed but i wasted it because now i am a hideous troll
me at 30: *looking at a picture of myself at 28* guys, you’re not gonna believe this,

*wins lottery*

Me: fill it to the top, Jeeves

Jeeves: But ma’am, your pool—

Me: I SAID MORE MAC AND CHEESE!!!

[Christopher Columbus arriving in Hell]

Columbus: I’m the first person here! I discovered this!

Through the drive thru speaker: would you like to try the chicken club

Me: [ imagining chickens getting down on the dance floor ] hell yes I would

Him: *whispering* you still awake
Me: *exhales loudly through harmonica*

I predict that the Institute for the Future won’t exist in five years time.

Got an email from my kid’s teacher that instead of working on her social studies project, she spent the entire class period making a PowerPoint about goats. Apparently, the appropriate response was not, “oh cool, was it any good?”

3am

Me: *wakes up for no reason*

Anxiety and Insomnia: *fighting*

Bladder: We should pee.

Stomach: PEANUT BUTTER!

If you replace phrase “Americans think” with “Americans with landlines who answer unsolicited calls think” it all makes so much more sense.

Southerners don’t use contractions like “y’all” and “young’n” out of laziness. Most of us are just too poor to afford entire words.

I heard that #TheDress debate has already destroyed 18 relationships. These people probably shouldn’t be breeding anyway.

[pregnant with first child]

Wife: our daughter is only going to eat organic, non-gmo, non-processed foods and drink volcanic rock filtered water from the island of Atlantis.

[two years later]

Me: our daughter just licked Cheeto crumbs off the floor.

Wife: she’s fine.

Kids, stay in school and get a good degree so you can spend 40% of your life on conference calls

Yeah, but is it ILLEGAL illegal?

It’s impossible to slowly tiptoe around without activating T-Rex arms.

I walk around my yard with a fake neck tattoo so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids.

I’m southern, healthy eating to me is having my potatoes mashed and not fried

Name fifty reasons you think I’m too demanding.