My dad: See, when you said you’d met a “special someone” we thought…
Me: Go on.
My dad:
Me: [taking hold of the penguin’s flipper] GO ON.
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Patron: I’ll have the french toast
Waiter, donning a beret and raising a glass: oui oui, mon amie
If theres an otter, youre underwater. If a ferret you see, then on land you be.
Thursday
To the people who have lost one shoe on the side of the road…
Are you okay? How does that even happen?
When you’ve brought up your child to be kind and never take sides.
Husband: Who’s fatter – mummy or daddy?
Miss 8: You both are.
i wanna see the masterchef jr deleted scenes that HAVE to exist of gordon ramsay calling a kid the c-word for trying to julienne a snickers
Although I’ve been disappointed by some of the things cartoons promised yet failed to deliver, I must say I am relieved that my eyes don’t badoing out of my head whenever I see a fine lady.
Grapefruit – for when you want your food to taste like getting beaten up
*angrily detangles self from wind chime*
[hospital]
“We found the problem. There’s an entire sheep in your stomach.”
“Is that bahahaad?”
“Yes. It’s causing some internal bleating.”
“I’m $50 away from getting free shipping which is only $5 and what I want is $12 so I need to spend $38 more to save money.”
-my brain
Had a king sized bed all to myself last night. Must be what Rose felt like on that door
[boss’s office]
BOSS: Do you like my fire place?
ME: Actually, it’s one word: “fireplace”
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: Oh, I get it now
Went on a family scooter ride. 4y/o asked to be carried the entire 3 mile experience.
Return home from the ride. 4 says “It’s so nice out! We should go for a walk!”
Toddlers don’t GAF.
Birds are dinosaurs? No. I want dinosaurs here or I want them completely gone. I don’t need a bullshit imitation dinosaur to shit on my car.
My DNA test results finally proved what I knew all along; my mother was a can of diet Fresca.
As a joke I suggested to my 10yo that he was getting diapers for Christmas so he wouldn’t have to stop gaming even for a moment, and Reader, he hesitated.
[getting arrested for passing out drunk while driving] “oh, so now it’s illegal to take a nap?”
Him: And if you don’t have my money by Friday I’ll send my 5 toughest guys to beat it out of you
Me: Okay first of all I’m incredibility flattered that you think it’ll take 5 of you to win…
“Pasta la veista, baby”
-Arnold Schwarzenoodles
Don’t be scared of a snake. It’s just a slimey, conscious rope that is evil and can kill you.
It’s like my father always used to say, “[years of silent disappointment]”
If she wants to be chased, she better steal my pizza or something
Anyone else see a huge missed opportunity here?
Capitalism is far from perfect, but how would we find the beginning of a sentence without it?
brian had himself a morning…
I bet in 2000 years they are gonna be digging up the rubble of our destroyed earth and they’ll find a Nokia still on half battery.
what’s something i can do besides get married where i can be the center of attention and everyone cries and tells me how beautiful i am
Cop: Can I see some ID?
Me: No. But you can see this…
[Does that trick where you pretend to detach your thumb]Rookie cop: I didn’t sign up to fight no wizard sarge
Having little kids is great because I love spending hundred of dollars each week to feed my floor and my trash can