My dad: See, when you said you’d met a “special someone” we thought…
Me: Go on.
My dad:
Me: [taking hold of the penguin’s flipper] GO ON.
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Looking back to my days as a teacher, the best part was always summer.
Husband: I emptied the dishwasher.
Me: Great work, honey! Maybe you could try it again when it’s clean.
A guy just commented on how classy I am
So naturally I removed my finger from my nose so I could type, “Thank you!”
Officer there’s nothing in my trun.. [hundreds of dead tamagotchis fall out. The younger cop vomits]
[argument w/girlfriend]
HER: you know what your problem is?
ME: no, *grabs pen and begins taking notes* but i’m about to find out
I got IDd last night, but as I was rummaging around in my purse for my ID, the dude saw my checkbook and said “nevermind” 😭😒🤣 FIRST OF ALL
HUMPTY DUMPTY: Quick, put me back together!
TOTO: There’s nothing that 100 men or more could ever do.
HUMPTY DUMPTY: …maybe call the horses?
cop: we have reports of you impersonating a police officer
me: were they favorable
i’m gonna start telling men i know a spot and it’s just me dropping them off at therapy
Teach your kids how to drive a car, get a job, cook, & do laundry from day one. The quicker they learn this, the faster they can move out.
Me: I’m going to shower
6: you’re beautiful! You don’t need to shower!
Me: Aw, than-
6: just some make up would help
Caught my sex robot in bed with my Roomba.
BREAKING NEWS: North Korea may test a missil on April 10. They just need to find a gigantic bottle of Coke and a huge Mento.
“I love this song!”
“This is my favorite song!”
“I love this song!”
“No, THIS is my favorite song!”
~ Me, listening to my own playlist
The first rule of fight club is: you do not tell mom that I let you watch fight club, kids
Good news: My son cleaned his room
Bad news: He found his harmonica
For me, it’s not a superfood unless it has a tragic backstory.
Toddler: [spills cup of apple juice]
Me: Don’t move!
Toddler: [sits on spill]
Summer Camp: we need you to send some info
My wife: don’t you have it from last year?
SC: probably, but we want it again
MW: ok
SC: by fax
MW: but why w-
SC: and in cuneiform
MW: are you s-
SC: and can you place insurance cards face up and face down on the form at the same time?
a 9-5 is two hours of work and 6 hours of anxiously trying to justify my existence to my employer
My friend is a meteorologist so when he wants to hang out I tell him there’s a 100% chance I’ll be there and then I don’t show up.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but, don’t drink aquarium water to impress a girl……..
[in hell]
ME: *sitting down in auditorium* this doesn’t seem so bad
SATAN: *on stage* hi everyone, before I begin my interactive performance—
ME: ugh
SATAN: —I’d like everyone to move down to the first three rows
ME: UGH
My college roommate made a student film about a guy’s life falling apart from drugs. A neighbor saw the baking soda lines on the Frankenstein poster in my room. She whispered, “Is Jake ok? Now I know why he looks so strung out.” “It’s fine, he’s just an engineering student.”
I beat my personal best for competitive eating today, scoffing 34 hot dogs, including buns in under 15 minutes.
I don’t suppose I’ll be invited to any more of next doors’ BBQs, however.
my dad can break into almost any car using a frozen chimichanga
Deleted duck from my autocorrect so it no longer keeps ducking changing my favourite ducking swear word.
If Jesus was from Nazareth, why does he have a Mexican name?
*rips finished page from adult coloring book*
*puts it on daughter’s toy kitchen fridge*
Mom, can teenagers drink coffee?
-my 5yo, planning ahead