Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

if you have ‘on that grind’, or ‘never stop grinding’ in your bio I am assuming that you are a sausage maker and i will have a dozen mild italian.

Not to brag…

… but practically all of my arrest warrants are considered ‘outstanding’.

[at the mall]
“I’ve lost my son. Can you make an announcement for me?”
“Sure, what’s his name?”
“Xander.”
“See, that’s why he ran off.”

While taking a nap with my daughter, my 4 year old son creeps into my bed, fiddles with my bra hooks for 5 minutes, then gives up and passes out snoring next to me. No need for a paternity test, he’s definitely my husband’s son.

What part of watching dogs on skateboard makes YouTube ads think I’m in any position to buy the brand new Lexus?

When folding laundry, I don’t like to match my socks. I put them in there willy nilly and let them find their own mate. This isn’t the 1800s

Shah Jahan built the Taj Mahal as a tribute to his wife but sure, the book shelf looks great.

Writers will call anything menacing and I’m just supposed to accept it. “A menacing wind” “a menacing howl in the distance”. Just say you’re scared of wind and corgis. Don’t try to convince me it’s reasonable.

Aggressively singing “This Is How We Do It” while putting my husband’s clothes in the hamper instead of the floor.

You think if you die with a yeast infection, you’ll rise from the dead?

“You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take,” I whisper to myself as I hit send on that sixth unanswered text

Me: I’ve found a needle in the haystack! Only took 3 hours.

Her: no this is a 3/4 inch, I need a 5/8’s.

Me: *begins searching again* you really need a better place to store these.

Studies show that men born between the 1st and the 31st day of the month are sexier than the others.

Toto: I blessed Lorraine down in Africa

Adele: I set fire to Lorraine

Johnny Nash: I can see clearly now, Lorraine is gone

Lorraine: Stop it

what is that job called where you put the little stickers on fruit i think i would be good at that

I’d like to wish a very happy 5th birthday to the jar of salsa in my fridge

FBI AGENT: You’ll be put into witness protection
ME: Can I be someone that has friends?
FBI AGENT: No, it has to be believable.

[Office]
*Dolphin accidentally dials fax number

Fax:EEphkEekakischchEEek

Dolphin:Well, I don’t normally do this. But yes I’m free tonight

I’d like to meet the person who decided that if you wanted to get married fast it had to be done by Elvis

Raising Twins

Twin 1: *looking at an old photo album* Is this me?

Me: I literally have no idea.

[store window advert – 50% off everything]

me: is everything really half off?

sales assistant: absolutely

me: even this $750 suit?

sa: yep, we take 50% off at checkout

me: I’ll take it

sa: *cutting it in half* that’ll be $750, please

We have reached my favorite portion of the Thanksgiving program. My mother just yelled, “There’s too many people in this GotDamn kitchen. Now get out and get ready to say the blessing.”

Rich people’s advice basically is like: Go be rich and follow your dreams while saving 90% of your salary

Did the Bermuda Triangle just stop working one day? Why does no one spontaneously combust anymore? What happened to all the quicksand???

Unfortunately, I cannot marry my high school sweetheart bc the state does not recognize a union between a woman and a Legolas poster.

gross i hate the word moist! give me a wet cake. give me a wet, damp cupcake

ME: You’re a silly sausage aren’t you?
SAUSAGE: [peering over spectacles] I may have acted out in my youth but that’s not what defines me.

My 6 y/o told me the medicine cabinet was our most important cabinet. Outwardly I agreed but inwardly: “no son, the liquor cabinet is”.

I am going to be nice from now on. Yes, I will be nice.

Right after this exorcism?
I will be nice.

Someone called me
yesterday and said,
“Hello, is this Ross”
I said ” no it’s Chandler”
And they hung up.

So much for trying to
be Friends.