Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

you ever take a long hard look at yourself and think, “wow, i should really clean this mirror.”

Tried to touch my husband’s face and he tattled on me to his mother.

I was pretty happy getting a lot of honks for my “Honk, if you love Jesus” bumper sticker but I can’t help wondering if it’s because of that red light I sat through three times now.

Her: Do you have any fantasies?

Me: Probably a ham sandwich that’s a metre long

Her: No I meant like hot ones

Me: Oh yeah I’d toast the bread

Sorry I looked up your house on google maps, but I wanted to make sure I could climb that tree by your bedroom window.

there’s a lot of rumors going around about me about how I exaggerate the number of rumors going around about me

If Canada takes over the world we’re all going to be sorry.

him: *dying* avenge me

[later]

widow: ok who put him in the thor costume

the animal sanctuary account i follow just made a post about how one of their elephants had a “i didn’t know i was pregnant” type delivery that was so shocking that when the baby just dropped out onto the ground the other elephants ran away screaming

due to personal reasons, i will be screaming into a pillow.

me: do you have coke

cat waiter: is pspspsps ok?

Please lower gas prices, I’m not built for onlyfans

If they served grilled cheese sandwiches at communion, I’d go to church more often.

The reason I don’t trust polls is because the people being polled are people who willingly answer the phone when an unknown number is calling them

Interviewer: Do you plan on having children?

Me: I have four, why start now?

Heard a rival dad in the neighborhood was handing out full size candy bars so now every trick-or-treater that comes to my door is getting an entire rotisserie chicken.

Wife: Who is it?

Me [hand over phone]: The police, they say it’s now illegal to fake throw a ball

Dog in other room: [hangs up his phone]

14 y.o.: OMG MOM!!!! Are you okay?!?! Do you need some water? Are you having a heart attack? Why does your face look like that?
⠀
Me: I’m not having a heart attack, I just ran for five minutes.

did I “kill a plant” or did the plant not have what it takes to thrive in this fast-paced environment

This is your captain speaking. Those of you on the right side of the plane may have noticed 3 pyramids. This is 3 more than we were expecting to see in Barcelona. Anyway, does anyone have google maps?

I don’t need a security alarm because I leave all my shoes in a pile inside the front door.

[dinner party]
GUEST: so what are your thoughts on euthanasia?
ME: [mouth full of mashed potatoes] I am against youths everywhere.

Pixar has made me feel affection towards rats, bugs, fish, robots, monsters and even cars. The real test would be a movie about coworkers.

What did the bra say to the hat? “You go on a head, I’ll give these two a lift.” (I’m back to silly jokes. Probably for the best.)

Imagine falling in love with someone and then they make a chicken pot pie without a bottom crust.

This BMI chart says I’m starting to get too short, how do I fix this?

Why is it cute when a baby falls asleep clutching a bottle. Yet, when I do it, it’s “disconcerting”?

You attract more men when you smell like butter, sautéed ham and onions than any expensive perfume.

So let me get this straight. A dude comes back to life after three days and no one cuts his head off?

Before kids: Why would anyone need a 24 pack of paper towels?!

After kids: Oh.