Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

In the Phoenix airport & I just heard a guys laptop say “you’ve got mail”. Pretty sure I’ve landed in 1998.

(Family Reunion)

Me: …and the real loud guy who keeps talking with his mouth full?

Wife: That’s Murray…He’s my cousin once removed.

Me: Any chance we can remove him again?

I’m not sorry.

me: sorry I called out my ex’s name just now

woman: three times though?

bloody mary: ew, am I on the ceiling

[band comes out for encore] DO YOU WANNA HEAR ONE MORE
crowd: YAAAAAHHHH
me: GETTING KINDA LATE GUYS

My kid just told me that the 10/10 I got on an attractiveness scale is “just a totally random number and doesn’t actually mean anything”, if you’re in the market for an assassin.

Fact: If you blast hiphop at a shallot, it becomes a rapscallion.

Me: babe, I don’t mean to be THAT person but you breathe way too loud & I can’t fall asleep.

*Vader grabs a blanket & moves to the couch*

Once I started pronouncing baseline like Vaseline things just really fell into place for me.

If I ever went to jail for murder it would be for murdering my printer.

“How are you single?”
you about to find out, just hang tight lmaoo

The bright side of getting attacked by a Cyclops is only having to use half the pepper spray.

My girlfriend told me to take a spider out instead of killing it. We went and had some drinks. Cool guy. Wants to be a lawyer.

[CRIME SCENE]

COP:
This looks like lead poisoning to me!

PENCIL:
*Tugs nervously at his collar*

Fight

[Jews being led out of Egypt]

Woman: *mumbles* 40 years? He couldn’t just stop & ask directions?

Moses: WHO SAID THAT? NO MANNA FOR YOU!

before you call me an idiot consider this: i know

“Sir… your family is dead. APRIL FOOLS!!!! Kidding!!! Your son made it! He’s in a coma! OMG You shoulda seen your face!”

– Worst ER doc

“Say ur a bad girl”
I’m a bad girl
“oooh yeah, and tell me what bad girls do…”
ooh i’m gonna sign up for 3 months of yoga and only go twice

I bought jalapeño chips so I wouldn’t have to share with my kids.
It’s not working. My daughter is just eating through the pain.

She’s mine

Yes I can speak a foreign language if you count when I talk about the 80s in front of my nephews.

Here at the Southern Cannibal Buffet, it’s y’all you can eat!™️

I’m at my most Ninja Turtle when I remove a manhole cover & jump into the sewers to avoid making eye contact with someone I know in public.

If Jehovah’s witnesses brought red wine and Pringles with them, I’d gladly let them in to spend an afternoon chatting about religion.

Whenever I see a couple sitting on the same side of a restaurant booth I like to imagine they’re on a double date with ghosts

I refuse to use the self-checkout isle at a store. What I will do is occasionally post up at the exit and ask to check shoppers receipts. If I’m gonna work at your store for free, I’m picking my own position.

We only have one day set aside to celebrate women, but sharks get a whole week! Clearly, women need to start eating more people.

does the “apple a day keeps the doctor away” thing work on all types of doctors? my neighbor is a PhD in marine biology and keeps trying to talk to me about the various uses of squid ink

Please send me love and light I went on a walk today and I nodded + smiled politely at someone but they were a Halloween decoration.

I fixed the internet, am tech genius

*turned the WiFi router off and on and now it’s working