Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t need lip fillers. I have two toddlers constantly head-butting me.

Actually, the past tense is ‘hanged’ as in ‘he hanged himself’. Sorry about your dad, though

Twitter keeps throwing in “in case you missed it” on my timeline…. I’ve been on twitter for the last 16 hours, I didnt miss it.

the problem with being nice to people is you end up getting invited to their wedding.

Bed should get ready for ME

Whenever someone tells me they have an IQ of 140, I wonder if that’s Fahrenheit or centigrade.

once i get some clearasil, it’s over for you blotches

I went for a run but came back home after 5 minutes because I forgot something.

I forgot that I’m fat and can’t run for more than 5 minutes

Me: I wonder why I don’t have any friends and can’t seem to find anyone to date.

Also me:

Drank some sparkling water which makes me burpy and its driving my kid insane.

I’ve never thought gas could get any better but here we are.

Nothing freaks me out like that girl w/the purple bra yelling “Hey those are MY panties!” Finders keepers lady.

Sick of the media always blaming video games for the rise in fantastical jewel-seeking quests.

[pet store]
Me *looking at snakes*
“CAN I FEED THEM?”
Pet Store Employee [never looks up from his phone] sure.
Me *putting my kids in tank*

Me: I love it when you call me señorita *kisses neck* I wish I could pretend I didn’t need ya.

Liquor Store Clerk: Please get your mouth off of the wine bottle until you’ve paid for it.

Went out of town, came back and the roomba changed all the locks

Romeo: *is added to DM room*

Juliet: *is taking a room break*

Romeo: *leaves room*

Juliet: *comes back from room break, sees Romeo isn’t there, leaves*

“Let me be clear” the sliding glass door said as I face planted it.

one time I was in the hospital elevator with a resident and then the elevator got stuck and I was like “omg we are going to die” and she was like “omg YES I needed this today” and sat down and started eating a granola bar

Emails now be like: I hope you are staying safe, sheltered in place, stocked with toilet paper, and healthy during these absolutely unprecedented, wild, chaotic, terrifying times. Just wanted to follow up-

I don’t get why you have to call my wife *librarian ignores me while on phone* “your husband is here trying to check out a book about ramps”

When life gives me lemons, I make lemon meringue pie..because lemonade is for amateurs…& because I’m gay..& we always take it up a notch.

Interviewer: Your resume lists one of your skills as “planning evil events.” That’s a typo, right? Don’t you mean “live events”?

Me: [slowly rubbing my hands together] If you prefer

ME: Hey buddy, your dog left a little ‘present’ on my lawn
GUY: Huh?
ME: *points to tiny, nicely wrapped gift* Thank him for me, willya?

Me: What do you want for Christmas?

Wife: Nothing would make me happier than a new car.

Me: Well if you’re sure. Nothing it is.

[death row sitcom]

Me [sits down in a chair to eat]: This chicken is raw!

Warden [flicks switch]: That’s about to change

Sign: *APPLAUSE*

The only thing that’s not possible is staying away from you…

-stalker’s

Me: Time for bed
7: But can we watch Back to the Future?
Me: No
7: Empire Strikes Back?
Me: No
7: Karate Kid?
Me: I see what you’re doing and I respect it but the answer’s still no

AVOCADO: Hello I’m good fat

BACON: *lights cigarette* *punches avocado*

My favorite sport ? Lasagna

For our anniversary last year I told my wife “thank you for 20 happy years” and she got mad because we’ve been married for 31