My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
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NURSE: do you have any allergies
ME: burnt bread
NURSE: you’re allergic to burnt bread?
ME: yes I’m black toast intolerant
they should have called it “Checkmate” instead of “Tinder”
I like to pride myself on knowing whether it’s Ice Ice Baby or Under Pressure by the first bum bum bum badda dum bum.
Fed the cat dog food and suddenly she’s barking at the mail man.
me (hungover):
Why do I have a photo of me with a fire hydrant?wife:
Because last night you wanted a picture with R2D2.
*bursts into starbucks*
Me: DO YOU GUYS HAVE A POWER OUTLET
Barista: yeah over there
Me: oh thank god
*plugs in a mechanical bull*
American: We’re really not that gun-obsessed.
Brit: Where did you get that t-shirt.
American:
Brit:
American: FROM A CANNON BUT THAT’S NOT THE POINT
Once I was in an elevator w/ 5 strangers & a lady ran up at the last second. Instead of helping her, we all watched the doors close. I said, “Good. I never liked her” to what I thought would be big laughs. Nope. As I rode 10 floors in thick silence, they shut me out even harder
Dear guy sitting next to me at the bar wearing camouflage: I can still see you.
On a packed bus googling “how to tell the person sitting next to you that you love them”
[Losing my virginity]
Me: *sheepishly* is it ok if I play the Imperial March?
*holds flashlight up to face*
When I was a kid, most pop tarts came unfrosted.
*3 millennials faint, 2 vomit*
*Bricks getting laid*
Brick Layer: “Oh yeah! You like that shit don’t you!”
The movie scene where discarded clothes lead to lovers in bed, except it’s my clothes leading to my wife picking them up and cursing me.
That face-melting Nazi guy in ‘Raiders of the Lost Ark’ but it’s just my makeup the second I step outside in the summer.
cyclists
Email: Would you like to have some fun?
Me: No thanks.
*deletes without opening*
Thanksgiving is nothing like Halloween.
You can turn your lights off, it doesn’t even phase them, they still come to your door.
Me: What’s the worst date you’ve ever been on?
Date: ugh one guy was a total idiot
Me: Did you end it early?
Date: No I wanna finish this dessert
That day I took a photo of a ghost builder on their way to work carrying their hard hat.
Million dollar idea: Orange Tupperware for spaghetti sauce.
Me googling: why do chickens get to run around with no head but humans don’t?
Google response: Why Am I Single Quiz – Take This Quiz To Find Out
CASHIER: have a nice day
ME: how
Cauliflower is just broccoli that’s seen a ghost.
You don’t have to drive me crazy, I’m close enough to walk.
Hmmmmm
My wife has the flu and asked for help around the house so I bought her a Roomba
I deserve a reward for backing out of my driveway without hitting one blade of grass, a sprinkler head, or a small tree.
there are three types of writers;
1) those who plot their books
2) those who discover their plot along the way
3) those who know what will happen but their book is a bit feral still, needs a bath, has bitten and will bite again
I wish I was poplar. No, that’s not a typo. I wish I was a tree.