My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
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So guy walks up to me and puts his fist out for a bump and somehow I reach out, grab it and shake slightly.
If you need me I’ll be behind hiding my couch forever..
If you have to ask me if I want more cheese I’m just gonna assume you were dropped on your head as an adult.
not now, i’m busy doing tax crimes on my abacus
Kids get to wear their Halloween costumes to school today which is why my youngest is dressed as “ninja who missed the bus for the 3rd day in a row.”
Sometimes I feel like I’m a bad mom but then I think, at least I didn’t give away one of my kids because her dad was annoying and then completely pretend she didn’t exist for eleven years until she accidentally met her twin at summer camp.
Waking up and having 3 hours before my alarm goes off: *sleeps*
Waking up and having 3 minutes before my alarm goes off: *SLEEPS FASTER*
ME: I love you
HER:
ME: I said I love you
HER: sir, I can’t give you extra curly fries…please just pay for your order
my teenager came out into the living room and is sitting here with me. Idk what to do. What’s happening. Is this the twilight zone? does he know he’s not in his room?
If that earthquake had waited three days we would have a whole new major religion by now
I text my husband approximately 35 times per day with a rate of about 1 response per 5 texts.
Husband, after I put my phone down for 3 minutes and one “Hi” text from him goes unanswered:
HELLOOOOOOOOOO WHERE ARE YOU?!!??! HELLOOOOOOOOOO ARE YOU OK
No one ever hated their job on a Friday!
A couple friends who met at my bbq 10 years ago just got engaged.
I remember her asking me if he was some kind of criminal.
My grandfather was a boxer in the British Army.
Which was completely unfair because the enemy had rifles.
extrovert: *answers unknown number*
introvert: *googles the unknown number after sending it to voicemail*
“Follow your heart,” as advice, is sort of like “abandon yourself to cognitive bias.”
If you’re like me, you woke up this morning with your vision MIRACULOUSLY CURED because you left your contacts in overnight.
What do you mean normal people don’t remove their pants to eat dinner
Dear Gym,
I feel we should have an honest relationship, so it’s only fair you should know…
I’m just using you to get into my own pants.
*orders expensive cat bed*
*waits 5 weeks for overseas shipping*
*watches the cat ignore it for 6 months*
*finally throws it, defeated, on top of the wardrobe*
My firstborn put our house on Yelp and left a review stating the food is great but the kitchen staff is grumpy.
I really love sarcasm.
It’s like punching people in the face but with words.
The goldfish just gave me the “just flush me” look. No way pal. If I have to stay so do you.
What if I never *dramatic pause* sleep *dramatic pause* a- *falls asleep during third dramatic pause*
11 famous chickens who flew the coop, number 7 will surprise you
– cluckbait
I’m not saying my husband and I are scared of our 3yo, but we just did Rock Paper Scissors to determine who was going to take the baseball bat away from him.