My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
![]()
You Might Also Like
the compUtah Maineframe has crashed and Idaho how to fix it. Alaska round to find out Hawaii it happened. Are Delaware of the situation?
Today a man asked me if the bird tattoo on my shoulder was a hummingbird and I said it’s a magpie and he asked “oh black billed or yellow billed?” HEY YOU KNOW WHAT JEREMY YOU CAN’T NOT KNOW A HUMMINGBIRD FROM A MAGPIE ONE MINUTE THEN CRED CHECK ME THE NEXT OKAY?
If someone says they’d “Like a word with you,” I can guarantee it’s way more than one word and you’re not going to like any of them.
You can lose a lot on a no carb, no sugar diet. I tried it and immediately lost my will to live.
H: What’s for breakfast?
M: I’m having potatoes and orange juice. *sips juice*
H: Great, when are you making potatoes?
M: They’re in my orange juice.
After watching Honey Boo Boo, I realize America has much bigger problems than the national debt.
Buying my grandkids a drum set was a great idea. According to my daughter they play them ALL THE TIME.
[Day 739 of me refusing to admit I’m stuck in a tree]
No I did this on purpose.![]()
Found a YouTube channel that’s just French women smoking cigarettes so this is my last tweet.
I’m no expert but a Brazilian sounds like a whole lot of bras
Husband: Can these gel packs go in the microwave?
Me: Absolutely.
*gel pack explodes*
Me: Why would you listen to me? I can’t put my pants on without falling over.
Ideas for getting more exercise:
– Move the biscuits farther away
– Buy a heavier kettle
[first day as a waiter]
me: may I recommend the steak?
customer: yes ok
me: thanks. I recommend the steak
I haven’t had a boyfriend in so long I’m down to my last hoodie
I left my kid in daycare an extra half hour so I could eat Doritos without sharing and I have absolutely no regrets about this
I really want to have ice cream but am too lazy to get it from the freezer.
~Late night couch potato dilemma
Coworker: “How’d you get that cut above your eye?”
Me: *Remembering dropping my phone on my face* “STOP ASKING ME ABOUT FIGHT CLUB!”
Benefits of not being conventionally attractive:
-Less pressure
– you know people are being genuine when they laugh at your jokes
– can summon crows to do your bidding without fanfare unlike hot villains like Maleficent
With the rise in grocery prices my cashier now asks if I’m ready before giving me the total, the answer is always no but I appreciate his sensitivity
I picked the wrong week to start my high altitude balloon tours
give it to me straight doc what can i do to be healthier besides changing my entire lifestyle.
I’m “had to actually call a girl on the home phone to ask her out while hoping my mom didn’t pick up and start dialing” years old.
💁🏻♂️
![]()
[last supper]
“Tonight, one of you will betray me for 20 pieces of silver.”
“30.”
“Sorry Judas?”
[sips wine]
“I didn’t say anything.”
I apply an inordinate amount of baby oil for someone who is not a bodybuilder.
Satan: And this is the TV room.
Me: This isn’t so bad. *turns on TV*
*only thing showing is golf*
Spelling is important because I finally received my Male order bride, Brian.
Doctor: Is there a chance you might be pregnant?
Me: If I am, I’ll be giving birth to some batteries.
On average I spend about $80 a year to watch bananas turn brown.
The kids left w/my parents for a week. I plan to run around the house for an hour yelling “woo hoo”, but after that my schedule is wide open