Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m making chili this weekend so if anyone wants some, I suggest you make some too.

*quietly adjusts thermostat*

my husband from a hotel room 2800 miles away: whatcha doing?

Maybe my grandma stayed married for 50 yrs because she never said stuff like “I just wish he would support me, you know, creatively.”

Age 20: Gotta get ripped for Spring Break!
Age 25: Exercise reduces stress!
Age 35: My doctor says I’ll die immediately if I don’t do this

me: I’m unable to stop making jokes

doctor: you can’t be serious

me: that’s right

Wife: why are there 8 knives on the ground?

Me: *points to the dead spider* it was self defence and that’s exactly what you’ll tell the cops when they get here

What time will the Easter candy be discounted?

CVS: Mam, please stop calling us. We don’t know yet.

Ok. I’ll call back later.

Me: we should name our firstborn son Blake
Her: but he’s been named Jeff for 24 years now

Colleagues confronted me about my terrible similes. Like crows trapped in a Smucker’s jar, I’d have to murder my way out of yet another jam.

Cabin crew: Is there a Dr on board?

Me: I am a Dr

Cabin crew: Thank God. We have a question about the 18th century textile trade in Northern Africa

Me: Ah. I’m afraid my PhD is in the ceramics of Northern Europe, 1672 – 1701

We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.

My 6-year-old made me a necklace for mother’s day. She gave it to me yesterday on my birthday. She took it away from me before she went to bed so she could wrap it up and give it to me again for mother’s day. I like her style.

I’m against the marriage of anyone whose first instinct is to film and then show the world their elaborate proposal.

Don’t let anyone tell you that The Godfather isn’t an extremely effective parenting manual.

When meeting someone new, there should be a grace period after which they tell us their names again

obliviously driving m y car through chernobyl , absorbing lethal anmounts of radiation while looking for cute girls

i aint a magician but i gotta couple twix up my sleeve

[Subway]

ME: i’ll have a footlong meatball sub on Italian herb & cheese thanks
SUBWAY: *train noises*

The most successful people I’ve met:
1. Go to work early
2. Stay late
3. Walk home to save money
4. Meet devil at crossroads
5. Trade soul for ability to play fiddle
6. Music career
7. Death, hell
8. Challenge devil to fiddling competition
9. Defeat devil
10. Ascend hell’s throne

I hate that, you go to someone’s wedding and they’re asking “who invited you” my friend focus on your union and let me eat in peace

Why should you stick to drinking apple juice?

Because OJ will kill you.

*locks hands with stranger in elevator*
im nervous, this is my first time flying

Women: The best part of my day, is taking off my bra.

Men: Same.

New cyclist: I have a new $3k bike, what else do I need

Bike shop: [pulling out the stupidest looking outfit they can find] this

“Face my fears?” Lol what am I, brave?

My dishes are lined up like my sink is the hottest night club the world has ever seen.

“Quinoa” sounds like something a ninja would say before kicking you.

See you when you get home from school, I whisper to my kid’s apple

At urgent care with my 8yo

Nurse: is she allergic to anything?
8yo (child of a lawyer): We don’t know because I haven’t tried everything.

😆

(May have a sprained or broken foot 🤪)