My dad shouted “shut up idiots” to the cats.
I told him “You’re speaking English to a cat. You’re the idiot. You have to meow at them.”
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I love sipping margaritas by the pool. Or, as my neighbor with a pool calls it, “Trespassing.”
Dance like your kid isn’t secretly making a TikTok to humiliate you.
The biggest threat of punishment for my daughter is saying I’ll pick out her clothes for school.
A good woman is like home WiFi: Full of knowledge. Always there for you. Used by your roommate WHEN YOU’RE NOT THERE THAT’S RIGHT AMY I KNOW
Handsome Stranger: Excuse me, but you’re..
Me: Gorgeous & you’ve been mustering up the courage to speak to me?
HS: ..blocking the pickles.
The dress code for my wedding should have been red flags.
Her: OMG my feet are sooo cold, like ice!
Me: No, don’t put them on m-… gahhh!Repeat until I die, she assures me it was in the wedding vows.
Nana: I found you on twitter
Me: …
N: so you like the butt stuff
Me:…
N: me too
Me:…
“AI is coming for your jobs” I’d like to see AI show up drunk on Fridays and sexually harass my coworkers
My car has a sunroof, but I consider it more of a middle finger display hatch.
Sometimes I feel like I’m cheating on my recliner with my loveseat, in case you were wondering how emotionally invested I am in laziness.
girl at the bar: You’re funny
me *brings her over to meet my wife* Tell her what you said
Evolution sometimes moves forward due to tiny differences making one species less competitive
For instance T-rex died out bc, lacking selfie sticks, their instagram feeds were less effective
[job interview]
How did you lose your last job?
“I quit because I wanted a career with a bright future.”
Sir, this is McDonald’s.
Me: I love living in a place with four seasons.
Me, the first day I have to scrape ice off my car: Screw this entire state.
don’t look at the title of Kill Bill before you watch because it’s a bit of a spoiler
ME: My new contacts are here!
WIFE: Don’t put them all on at once like you did last—
ME: [eyes wide] I CAN SEE YOUR BONES
it’s really cute when pets sigh. like what ails u lil buddy
We’re just two people shitting in side by side stalls waiting for the other person to go out so we don’t have to show our face
Older women aren’t afraid to ask for exactly what they want.
Doughnuts. I want doughnuts.
Me trying to reach for my goals
My doctor told me to get my affairs in order. So line up guys, let’s get you numbered.
I know dropping your phone/keys in a public toilet is bad but have you ever lost a shoe trying to kick the flusher
My mom told me never to steal kitchen utensils.
But, it’s a whisk I’m willing to take.
Rather than crush the spider I started telling it about my fantasy football team and it peacefully left on its own.
My son said if a baby comes out feet first technically it wears its mom as a hat and I can’t unsee this.
Can we please stop with the travel hack of booking seats on the aisle and window in the hope of having a spare seat in between? As a solo traveller who has now been stuck in between these travel hackers it sucks. Talking over me, passing snacks over me etc. Just sit together.
If you drop your voice half an octave, you can literally say anything and at least one man will find it sexy.
Try it…”Bluetooth connected”
Me: We’re only here for a short while, so we should love one another and hold each other as much as possible.
Guy in back of elevator: Can you just press 19?
Her: I’m leaving…
Me: Good. Go. I never loved you in the first place.
Her:…for the store.
Me: Oh…..Pick me up some Funyuns?