My dad shouted “shut up idiots” to the cats.
I told him “You’re speaking English to a cat. You’re the idiot. You have to meow at them.”
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My buddy telling me to invest in crypto I’m like dude I haven’t even figured out regular money yet
[Movie Theater]
ME: I’ll take a medium popcorn.CASHIER: For just $2 more you can get it in a tub so big no human could actually finish it.
ME: No thanks.
CASHIER: It comes with free refills.
ME: I do like free refills…
I’ll apologize for last night right after you tell me which parts you still remember.
Lets all agree,
having your cake and eating it too,
is the same damn thing.
That show “Catfish” should just be called “People Who Have Never Heard of Google.”
any two men could tell me they were in daft punk and i would believe them
[product design]
CEO: I want our dry grocery items to have built-in Ziploc closures
me: OK should they be easy to open?
CEO: absolutely not
Mix it up a little. Text a random phone number the following msg:
“The fat one won’t fit into the woodchipper. What do you want me to do?”
Witness: I saw the defendant stabbing the victim.
Lawyer: Objection! Witness is ugly!
Judge: Sustained. Jury will disregard the statement.
Friend was telling me a story of how she made her parents drive around to 4 different places looking for a hot dog “with skin”. They kept trying to explain that they all have skin. Turns out what she wanted was a corn dog.
ocean: *waves*
me: *starts to wave back then realize it’s waving at the woman behind me*
THEM: Yeah, I guess I’m just old-fashioned, I like TALKING on the phone like people used to do in more civil times.
ME: People used to burn witches and smoke on airplanes.
leatherface: cmon, we’re gonna be late!
pinhead: *putting in one pin at a time* this doesn’t just HAPPEN you know
leatherface: you look fine
Look on the bright side, your insomnia keeps most of the spiders out of your mouth.
The only thing more annoying than vegans who won’t shut up about being vegan is people who aren’t vegan who won’t shut up about vegans
TRUMP: if elected i’ll build a protective wall. I’ll call it the great wall
*advisor whispers in his ear*
i’ll call it the really great wall
🎵If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my gourds🎵
~ The Pumpkin Spice Girls
just once I want a doctor to ask if I’ve been eating enough potatoes
My 89 year old mom asked if I was on that “Tic-tac-toe” site.
She has the grace of a puncture wound and the charm of a tetanus shot.
me: hit me, daddy
poker dealer: don’t call me that
Psssst. You guys. When Canada is sleeping we should sneak up there and remove the all the U keys from their keyboards.
Watching a BBC series on surgery, and all the orthopaedic surgeons are like “actually it’s a very sophisticated specialism, of profound delicacy and complexity”
and then there’s this guy:
When asked my theory on Amelia Earhart’s disappearance I said “maybe she went black” and now I don’t have to help with homework
My toddler gave me his Christmas list and it’s ridiculous. Like a majority of this stuff sounds completely made up. “Robot crab that transforms”? Why would anything like that even exist?
*checks Amazon*
I wonder if he’d like that crab in red or blue
The “dining room”? Calm down, McDonald’s.
Yelled at some skinhead today & he was all like “chemotherapy, dude” & I was like, “whatever, racist” cause sometimes you gotta take a stand
My neighbor said “I don’t watch football so I don’t know who Taylor Swift is, but he sounds fast.”
I appreciate it when my cats stand around while I clean their litter box. We’re like a little road crew: one guy works, three supervise.
Me: Anyone absent today?
Child: Nope….But 5 students were home sick.Only the finest education for my babies, folks…..