My dad showed me how to change the oil in my car and I showed him you can move the hood up and down to make it look like the car is saying “nom nom nom I love oil delicious oil”
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When I’m feeling inadequate, I remember that there are women who marry their prison pen pals, and then my own decisions don’t seem so bad.
My boyfriend said that I’m more than enough woman for him, and now I’m mad because I think he called me fat.
Look guys if The NY Times wanted to be serious journalism they wouldn’t have pivoted so hard into cooking and games, ok?
On a dark desert highway
Cool Whip in my hair 🎵
Me: So what are you giving up for Lent?
Rick Astley: *tearing up*
Me: oh no
A suspect in the Pearson gold heist has been arrested after flying into Toronto from India. Unfortunately, he flew in with Air Canada so all the evidence on him has been misplaced or damaged.
A fun prank is to search “buy antique dolls” on someone’s computer because then all their Facebook targeted ads are creepy dolls forever
Your sex life as a parent basically becomes “Fifty Shades of Pray Those Kids Stay Asleep.”
If it looks like I’m typing for five minutes I’m really just trying to spell diarrhea.
I’m afraid of people who keep smiling all the time. I feel like they still have plenty of space left for more bodies in their basement.
“Eating sugar will only make you feel better for a few minutes!” yeah as opposed to not eating sugar, which will make you feel better for zero minutes
Liquor Store Parking
My kid pausing YouTube to decide what snack she wants is the new turning down the car radio when you’re lost.
I have two dogs, one dominates, the other is a subwoofer.
Nothing freaks me out like that girl w/the purple bra yelling “Hey those are MY panties!” Finders keepers lady.
13: Can I have the password for Amazon?
Me: Certainly, honey. Ready?
13: Yep
Me: I-N-Y-O-U-R-D-R-E-A-M-S
I talk to my dog like she’s human and, like most humans, she looks at me like I’m an idiot.
[being murdered by neighbor]
*I pretend not to see him so I don’t have to make small talk*
**Pixar Film Themes Guide**
Toy Story: Jealousy
WALL-E: Environmentalism
Up: Bereavement
Cars: Cars
I just learned Avicii is a singer and not Roman numerals for 1952.
Last night I went to a fancy dress party dressed as a screwdriver. I turned a few heads.
ME: [first day working at the Christmas tree farm] I shall treat them with love and attention as if they were my pets.
BOSS: I love that
ME: My fir babies
HER: Get out
My gf thinks I cook our meals cause I love her. Really, it’s cause I’m afraid she might try to poison me.
Do mens sneezes get louder and louder as they age until they explode?
you have 1 in a 50 million chance of being attacked by a shark which is comforting in the ocean but concerning in an elevator
Crashed my car reading a billboard that said “don’t text and drive”
Flock of bats
There’s no suspense in Young Sheldon. You know he’s not going to die
me: the show is at 7, want to get there at 6:45?
dad: sure 6 it is
me: i said 6:45
dad: yup 6
me: 6:30?
dad: right we’re on the same page, 6
me: we don’t need to get there an hour early
dad: we can’t arrive right at showtime
me: there are other options
dad: i don’t understand
I say this a lot, but for someone who loves food as much as I do, you would think I would love going to the grocery store