My dad showed me how to change the oil in my car and I showed him you can move the hood up and down to make it look like the car is saying “nom nom nom I love oil delicious oil”
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hey can i get an ETA on that this too shall pass?
How many ears does Captain Kirk have?
Three: the left ear, the right ear, and the final front ear.
I attempted a smoky eye for a Zoom pitch, but instead it looks like I survived a bar fight so I’m going with that story.
The doctor said working puzzles would keep Grandma’s mind sharp. She’s been in the corn maze going on four days, so that remains to be seen.
my niece: I love dogs! They’re so cute and smart and fun! I really really really want a dog!
me: I walked seven blocks with a stinky bag of steaming dog poop this morning
my niece: maybe a cat
The fox I planted last year is coming along nicely.
*catches up to jogger while wearing the same outfit*
good luck shaking the police off loser
*sprints ahead while sirens can be heard*
I can’t see my boyfriend during this lockdown and I’m really unhappy about it!
My husband says he doesn’t care. Rude!
Squirrels: 1,538
My dogs: -17
“I was being bad last year and I STILL got presents from Santa Claus.”
-My 4yo completely embracing the Dark Side
fiancé: please take off my bra and my skirt
me: *seductively takes off her bra and her skirt*
fiancé: if i catch you wearing my stuff again, i swear to god i’m gonna murder you
(Gaming support cat.)
interview: problem solving skills?
me: i once fit 9 people into a 1986 Toyota Corolla
Have you ever considered shaving that beard and gluing it to your bald spot?
…
Oh! You meant a question about the job position!
17 year-old Malia Obama playing beer pong is the most outrageous thing the child of a president has done since George W. Bush invaded Iraq
You when you started twitter vs. you now.
*dipping a tortilla chip into an active volcano*
Me: This salsa is spicy
“You’re a rather handsome woman” isn’t a great opener on Tinder apparently
me: i feel like im being singled out because im the oldest person in this karate class and im winning all my matches
them: this is a daycare and you are under arrest
I got a raise! On my meds dosage. But still
Within every clean home is a room with a closed door containing a large pile of miscellaneous shit that someone just tossed in there.
Date: “so, tell me a bit about yourself”
Me: “NICE TRY, FEDS”
Next time you’re on a date and someone asks “Is that your boyfriend or your brother?” smile really creepy and whisper “Both”.
I make sure I throw any vegetables offered to me across the room to make a point.
Putting on the ‘Best of Owl City’ playlist when I want to kill three and a half minutes.
Kids are like magicians cause they make all the cups and chargers disappear.
My boss wants me to train some other employees so it’s pretty obvious he has no idea I am completely incompetent.
I refuse to dismiss Thanksgiving. Any holiday dedicated to food & stretchy pants is worth celebrating.
Why do we call them “restrictions,” anyway? Do you look at a life-jacket and think “there’s my drowning restriction”?