My dad showed me how to change the oil in my car and I showed him you can move the hood up and down to make it look like the car is saying “nom nom nom I love oil delicious oil”
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God: take it
Satan: no you take it
God: no you take it
Satan: i dont want it
God: well its no good to me
Me: *kicks a pebble* i have a name
trying a new Pudding recipe:
– Milk
– Eggs
– Proof
– Butter
*Hands girl a card that says Be Mine*
Girl: Aw that’s so sweet
*Pulls out a pickaxe*
Me: Come on, do it I need some iron ASAP lady!
App Designer: Hey, parents who are dieting, I’ve put entries in your calorie tracker to use to log the pizza crusts you eat off your kids’ plates, so you don’t have to leave off those calories
Dieting Parents:
App Designer: It’s great, right…
Dieting Parents:…
App Designer:
some people say April Fool’s Day is annoying.
but to me, a sentient refrigerator who longs to run free, it is my only chance to escape.
it’s cool that your dog can fetch & obey commands but my cat can vomit on the bedspread so quietly that i don’t even wake up and you can’t teach that sort of thing
*gives you the finger*gives you the spleen*gives you the bones*gives you all the other parts* Now build me a girlfriend like you promised.
wife [whispers] Josh
me
wife *nudges me* Josh
me: Huh? What?
wife: You were explaining the plot to Space Jam in your sleep again
Me: Be still you have something on your face.
4: Is it a snail?
Me: No. Why would a snail be on your face?
4: I don’t know mommy weird stuff happens sometimes.
I’m not saying breakfast tacos are the cure but I’ve had breakfast tacos every day for 2 weeks and I’m COVID19 free, you do the math.
Me: I think you might have schizophrenia
Me: No I don’t
My son just told me he knows all the lyrics to Despacito and then just sang “burrito” for every single word.
You ever look someone in the eyes and it’s just blank? Like, you can see right into the filing cabinet of their brain and all the drawers are empty
Michael Cera, in a public restroom, pinned to the opposite wall by the force of the hand-dryer.
Shoutout to all the bank robbers who aren’t being taken seriously anymore.
Show me in the employee handbook where it says I can’t wear a blanket to work
My friend uses ‘supossebly’ and I never correct her. I like her irregardless.
All it takes is a “food dreadful, service poor” Yelp review to get your mother-in-law to stop inviting you to Sunday dinner.
PA System: Attention shoppers, the store will be closing in five hours
Sloth: Uh oh
Only you can prevent podcasts
Me: Are those fries seasoned?
Waiter: They’ve seen a few things.
“I hate confrontation”
“No, you don’t”
Obi-wan: You look different.
Vader: You left me burning alive in lava with no arms and legs.
Obi-wan: I thought maybe you got a haircut.
me: thanks for the new bath toy
her: you’re welcome
me: oh and it makes toast too?
it’s “wake up little susie” because no one wanted to mess with big susie
Bae: Come over
Me: Do you have food??
Bae: My parents aren’t home
Me: Are they coming back with food??
Cross a mobster in the streets. Horse’s head in the sheets.
Me: *wakes up*
My body: whoa whoa whoa show down there cowboy
Me: Ours was a love divine
I was yours; you were mine
If the stars would realign-Teacher: This is POTTERY class. Poetry class is next door
*hears someone breaking in*
*grabs gun and walks down hallway*
*cord drags*
*realizes I grabbed Nintendo gun from Duck Hunt*
*gets shot*