My Dad: So then you just like *smushing together a bird stuffed animal and a bee stuffed animal while making kissy noises*
Me: OK, got it. They’re all waiting, can I go get married now?
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Want to change your name without any legal hassles? Just come up with a new pronunciation, the government isn’t even keeping track of that. Congratulations Brenda, you’re Breenday now and no one can stop you
Why be part of the problem when you can be all of it?
Delilah: hey
Jude: hey there
How long after the expiration date can you eat chicken. Is it three days? I guess we’re all going to find out together
The guy who invented “Take Your Child To Work Day” was probably too late to drop his kid off at school on the way to work.
“Come as you are. As you were. As I want you to be.” ~ Kurt Cobain, confusing party coordinator
me: hi, can you tell me which is the bride’s side?
lawyer: guests are not allowed at divorce proceedings
*3:30 am
House alarm: whose turn is it to freak her out?
Smoke alarm: I had last week
Alarm clock: Already malfunctioned last month.
HA: Water heater?
WH: *recirculation pump squeals* Got it!
Me: *almost falls out of bed*
HA: HAHAHA! Good work!
Do we have a gender neutral pronoun yet?
<sniffle> <snort> <sniffle>
<snuffle> <wheeze> <cough> <sniff> <snuffle>
<ah> <ahhh> <aaaaahhh> <HAIKU!!!>
Imagine accidentally walking in on someone in the bathroom who’s not on their phone.
Just sitting there, hands on their lap like a psychopath.
I love Buzzfeed because all the headlines are something a drunk girl would say right before passing out. “Um did you know corgis can wink??”
Me: I really ought to eat more fruit
Also me: I donut think so
[during sex]
Him: are you on your phone?
Me: it’s called live tweeting maybe you’ve heard of it
In honour of Agatha Christie, turn off all the lights and kill one of your work colleagues.
If the world was serious about embracing renewable energy, someone would have already called me about harnessing the power from my 4 year old’s shouting
COP:Do u know how fast u were going
ME: The posted speed limit, 495
COP: Sir that’s the route number, i don’t even know how I caught up to u
[dog social media]
Post: *picture of a cat falling out of a tree* caption – “woof, woof, woof.”
Dog reading: hahahahahaha. *retwoofs*
On TV no men can tie a necktie but all women can and there’s no backstory to explain it
In the street today, an unattractive woman asked for my number, so I gave her a fake. Still feel a bit guilty, as I’d just totaled her car.
If I ever become rich, you know where all my money is going?
To the bank
The roof of my mouth has had it too easy lately. I’m gonna eat some scalding hot pizza followed by a handful of granola.
taylor swift should write a song about people who don’t return their shopping carts to the corrals
Walmart is crazy like why did I have a polite conversation with a stranger about mustard
Twister 2:
Climate change makes tornadoes evolve.
They work together.
We can’t beat them.
We team up instead
The twisters destroy ISIS.
Sorry I was staring at your nachos while you were talking about your painful divorce
Just gonna take a nice stroll across the OMG ABORT ABORT!!!!
– squirrels
After the machine uprising, robots in the club will dance “The Human” by compulsively overeating and playing with their phones on the toilet
“Get better” is a nice thing to write on a card. “Get better soon” feels a little threatening though. What’s the rush