Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

wife’s secretary: she’s in a meeting but I can take a message
me out of breath: there’s a cricket in da house

Imagine you flip to a guys stream after dieing and see this

Journalists stuck in 1970’s Belfast absolutely hating it

In the UK we celebrate Thanksgiving as the day we managed to ship all our paranoid religious fundamentalists off to another continent.

People with infectious laughs make me want to be a better laugher.

[3am]

no one:

not a soul:

my dog: *wonder if I can break the world record for how loud I lick myself

Wife: We don’t have anything planned today…
Me: Cool!
Wife: …so I was thinking we should…
Me: (dammit)

Emotional awareness simply means recognizing, respecting, and accepting your feelings as they happen.

📸: @livinglyfree

#emotion #positivemindset #PositiveVibes #selfcare #selfcare

Canadian Tinder users are 56% male, 44% female and 33% holding a fresh trout

When the audio cuts out at the end of a newscast and the anchors start chit-chatting I like to pretend it’s about my surprise party.

Maps used to say cool stuff like “Here Be Dragons.” Now they just say bullshit like “Portugal.”

My son came home and told me a classmate spoiled a huge part of Harry Potter for him, so now I have to meet a 2nd grader behind the bleachers at 3pm with my nunchucks.

On March 17th, 1992, I asked my parents for directions to a restaurant in Brooklyn. As of 7:30 this evening, they’re still arguing about it.

🤣🤣

me: head, shoulders, knees and toes, eyes and ears and mouth and nose

CDC: no

friend: man, I honestly don’t believe she’d cheat on me

me: look, Gary, you can’t keep burying your head in the sand about this

ostrich at next table: OMG Devon, he did NOT just say what I think he said

My mama didn’t raise no fool.

Instead I was raised by a pack of idiot wolves.

when you wake up in the morning after you went there last night planning to break up

I hate it when after installing a new app, it automatically puts it on the home screen. Like no. You have to earn that place. Now sit back down.

Give your child a name with a creative spelling so they can spend their life correcting people.

Last week, my sister ran a marathon. Today, she is rappelling down a skyscraper.

I’m starting to think one of us is adopted.

[first 2 hours of meeting]

Coworker:

[last 2 minutes of meeting]

Coworker: I just have a quick 6 part question involving a complicated and controversial problem that was almost nearly resolved also this isn’t time sensitive at all but I’d still like an answer right now thanks

If you hear someone yelling “we have macaroni and cheese and bread at the house,” don’t worry that’s just my dad because I just paid $10.16 for a grilled macaroni and cheese sandwich at Panera Bread.

He wasn’t with me, but I’m sure he feels a disturbance in the force.

🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark!🎶

Saw a dog mark every single mailbox in sight but his own. Thought of you.

i never understood why we had to blow on the nintendo cartridge before eating it

Ever noticed how pears in a paper bag always seem to be ripe all together at once? This is because they easily succumb to pear pressure.

I blame Johnny Bravo for my body image issues

I spilled beer on a guy. He said “You wanna dance?” I said “Can’t, I don’t have my dancing shoes on.” He was so disappointed, he beat me up.

Nothing creates permanent frown lines quite like receiving anti-aging skin products as a birthday gift