Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

wife: our house is on fire! who you gonna call?!

[later]

ghostbusters (standing in ashes): you really should’ve called the fire department

Chess is my favourite game but I don’t play favourites

There’s a fine line between “I slept great” and “what did I do to my neck?”

I lose bobby pins in my hair. Please don’t ask me to babysit your kids.

If you weren’t supposed to eat 15 Oreos in one sitting, they wouldn’t package them in rows of 15.

I can turn wine into water about two hours after drinking it

Checkmate Jesus.

Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?

Me: In a mirror! Well any reflective surface really, windows, shiny cars, puddles…

Me: it hit me completely out of the grey

Friend: *narrows eyes* you mean blue?

Me [secretly a dog in a trenchcoat]: …yes

A Florida police dog is being fired after biting two people; but to be fair, who wouldn’t want to hurt people from Florida?

That time I tried to clap while doing a push-up and almost died.

Mom [holding newborn baby]: Let’s name the baby after my grandfather
Dad: What would be the point of naming him after your grandfather already did

Would like to think i’m a chill person but i did a jigsaw puzzle the other day with people who had bad puzzle etiquette and i nearly put my fist through the glass top of the coffee table.

GUYS.

For the past two years the ticket man at my station has baffled me. Some days we get on like a house on fire, chatting about life. Other days he won’t even return a hello…turns out to be a pair of identical twins who both work there.

TWO SEPERATE MEN.

TWO YEARS GUYS.

[first date]

HER: Aww, look at that poor old woman at the table in the corner, sitting all alone.

ME: That’s my mom. She wanted to check you out.

MOM: *shakes head, makes throat-cutting gesture*

ME: Don’t worry. That means she likes you.

Columbus has to be the worst guy to go to the mat for. The guy took notes the whole time & all of them are like “they were friendly so I killed them” & “note: we should do slavery here” and everyone else’s notes are like “I am trapped on a boat with a murderer”

Jeff Bezos inches closer to becoming Pitbull

Please tell me I’m not the only one who has tried to open my front door by clicking on a car remote..

Drink responsibly? Responsibility is why I drink.

My goal whenever I open my car door is to have a bike rider crash into it and hope that they are escaping from a crime scene.

[I go to Hell and everything appears to be virtually identical to Earth]

“Well this isn’t so bad”, I say

[I immediately notice that my voice sounds exactly like I do on a tape recorder]

COMPUTER: Enter your password

ME: [types ‘posh_people’s_tea’]

COMPUTER: Your password is too weak

ME: [high fives computer]

I just saw a poster that said “have you seen this man?” With a number to call… So I called the number and told them “No.”

Got banned from helping my granddaughter write sentences with spelling words. Apparently third graders can’t write about tequila.

Vegans aren’t so bad. They taste like chicken.

*Salem 1692*
Witch: I’m not a witch!
Judge: Look, if we’re being honest, you’re on trial for being a woman. Don’t make this weird

Winter. When trees are bare, and you can see into your neighbor’s yard, and omg, that’s Mrs. Hood’s body he’s putting into their fire pit!

A lady in Walmart told her son “PUT THAT SHIT BACK” so loud I almost put my shit back

Yo yo yo, I just killed some dude,
Shot to the head, now my life is screwed,
Momma don’t cry, it’s not your life that’s in tatters,
Carry on, carry on, because nothing really matters

Bohemian Rap-sody

Wife: I told you not to buy the kids a trampoline.

Me: I didn’t

[bounce]

Me: buy the kids

[bounce]

Me: a trampoline.

[bounce].