My dad teaching me to drive
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Django and Bjork, sitting in a tree, j-j-j-j-j-j-j.
I’m wearing the tie I got married in more than 20 years ago and I don’t want to brag but… it still fits.
me [kidnapped]: do you know how horses are compensated for their work
captor: i don’t care
me: they get paid under the stable
captor: let her go we don’t deserve this kind of trauma
Some call it alcoholism, I call it “keeping my emotions hydrated”
My mom loves telling people that I practically raised myself. I used to think she was proud of my independence, but now I realize she’s been distancing herself from blame.
Thankful that my family understands I occasionally need to leave the table because my social battery is running low and also because I have explosive diarrhea
“I’m gonna sneak past you.” No you’re not. You’ve alerted me.
Spice up grocery lists for your partner:
Im so thirsty- juice
Make my mop wet- shampoo
I only moo for you- you get the idea
[Girlfriend looks at me in disgust]
“Did u just propose using emojis?”
…
“Technically its called a propoji, but yes”
[She’s already gone]
[1st date]
Me: “So, what do you do?”
Her: “I’m a Herpetologist.”
Me: “Great! [pulls pants down] How bad is this?”
[NASA press conf]
“good news: we found a cat on Mars”
REPORTER: & the bad news?
“[recalls Curiosity rover running it over] uh it’s sleeping”
I get why polyamory is so popular in California. It takes 3 incomes to survive and 4 to have nice things.
Edward norton: what’s your power
Me: I recast avenger characters
Mark ruffalo: wait wut
I want to apologize for the awful true things I said when I was angry.
6:00am: I’ll go to the gym in 20 minutes
6:20am: I’ll go to the gym in 10 minutes
6:30am: I’ll go to the gym in 5 minutes
6:35am: I’ll go to the gym in 2 minutes
6:37am: What time does McDonald’s open
alien: these are your ancestors?? lmfaooo 💀😂😂
[shows me a video of a monkey jumpin around goin ooh ooh ah ah]
me: [getting really defensive] that was a long time ago. turn that off
My 6yo: *begs to go to a Mexican restaurant*
Also my 6yo: *orders a hot dog*
Me: I’m in charge of the shopping cart when my wife and I go to the grocery store
Cashier: …why are you telling me this?
Stop pronouncing it “Caribbean.” Everyone knows it’s “Caribbean.”
Parents: If everyone jumped off a bridge, would you do it as well?
Me: (imagining a scenario where everyone is jumping off of a bridge): probably. What if it’s on fire?
Parents: go to your room.
I’m scared to open any email with a photo attachment because of all this talk about photobombing.
Sorry, ma’am. I’m a solid 4 1/2. You’re an 8. You’re out of my league.
Sometimes I like to call random numbers and if an older man answers I’ll say, “Hi. I know this sounds crazy, but I’m your daughter.”
Hangin with my peeps at the club. Biting their heads off, one by one. Enjoying their marshmallow deliciousness.
Every time I buy vegetables it’s a triumph of hope over experience.
People: we are overfishing the sea
McDonalds: we’ll make the Filet o Fish smaller
People: nonononono
Just me and my debit card against the world
Your name is just a compromise. It’s the one both your parents didn’t hate.