My dad teaching me to drive
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I think this man might be the one, I say right before he dumps me and I never hear from him again
As we lie in bed at 4am I know you’re looking at me thinking you’ve struck gold. Your hand reaches towards me and I slap it away from the cheese that just fell onto my chest.
“No” I shout through a mouthful of cold pizza “mine”
Doctor: Your son needs a kidney transplant
My mom: K, he NEEDS or he WANTS one?
Hold in my laughter like that? I’d last for 0.1 second
Me when I’m ovulating
In Scooby Doo, 2021 they’re not allowed to remove the mask at the end
date: i like a guy who’s strong-
me: i can bench 130 lbs
date: enough to tell the truth
me: on the moon
[throwing face stocking and grappling hook back in trunk]
“Dammit!”
[job interview]
Look. First, you give me a job. Then I get paid. THEN I’ll be able to buy pants. I can’t just skip ahead to the last step.
1970s: “Hey baby”
1990s: “Hey babe”
2014: “Hey bae”
2020: “Hey b”
2030: “All hail our glorious squirrel overlords”
Someone once asked me to imagine not having eyelids and I’m just like no
You gotta love a man with a dog’s name and a dog with a man’s name.
“Hi, I’m Cody and this is my dog Steve.”
[safely surrounded by a thousand miles of land]
Me: (whispering) more like shark weak
I only hug people to practice in case I need a human shield.
Lil Wayne once said “got ten bathrooms, I could shit all day” which I’ve proven can be done with just one bathroom.
“Why do you hate me?”
– me any time someone tells me I have to sleep on a futon
me: anything interesting happen today?
my 8yo: I finally got a booger out of my nose that’s been there since I was 5.
I’ve started using a firming serum and have definitely noticed a difference. I’m making firm decisions now.
[At a loud club]
Me: *the unceasing drone of locusts, driving to madness all unlucky souls who hear it*
Him: WHAT?
Me: *THE UNCEASING DRO
“How much to go into this haunted house?”
“Sir, this is the Church of Scientology.”
“Ooh…Sounds scary! One ticket please!”
JOB INTERVIEWER: Do you know short-hand?
ME: Do I know what, fat-face?
if any of u nasty little cretins were even the least bit curious where i’m at right now i just tried to wipe a couple raindrops off my phone so they wouldn’t show up in a screenshot i was taking
(loudly in my apartment in case there’s a murderer here) I love murderers
Siri just told me that traffic is light and I can make it home in 7 minutes. I am home. Where tf does she think we’re at right now.
me: you won’t get on the ledge. you’re an egg bro, get real
humpty dumpty: watch me
[several minutes later]
me approaching the king, tears in my eyes: it’s my fault. it’s all my fault
Who called it a muzzle and not a hush puppy?
I started to cook breakfast and my 8yo hopped up to me and chirped, “I can make eggs.”
And then she did.
She made perfect scrabbled eggs.
How long has she been trolling me, sitting at the breakfast table pretending that she cannot even pour herself a drink?
I made a list of the top 10 most popular wordplay jokes, to see if any of them actually made me laugh.
No pun in ten did.
*invites cute girl over for dinner. Orally de-bones a whole chicken*
If Australia had a sense of humour they should have killed the power at midnight for like 10 minutes to freak everyone in the world out