My dad thought Siri would be more helpful finding a lemon ricotta recipe if he used an Italian accent.
You Might Also Like
My cat has taught me a lot about life. Like if there’s any trace of ribbon in the house, you should eat it and then get sick on the carpet.
Me: I can never hear the alarm in the morning anymore.
Wife: Me either. We are getting old.
Me: Nah, I think it’s because we have become used to annoying sounds.
Wife: What do you mean-
[Kids start imitating hyenas]
-nevermind.
“Asparagus!!!” – italian guy named Gus pleading for his life
Weighing yourself is like the sex. It’s always best if you get naked first…
If hockey comes back this season we should be allowed to appoint one single fan to watch the games who’s only job is to shout “shoot!” on the power-play and occasionally bang on the glass.
stressed, standing 10th in line when car drives up outside w/ music so loud that whole store hears the thump of the bass
Random Guy Behind Me: I used to play music that loud but I was a teen. I grew out of it
Me: I’m just glad you hear it, too. I was afraid it was my heart beat
Remember folks, the camera adds ten pounds – unless you’re good at selfie angles like me, in which case it subtracts 30 *wink
Trash night me: Damn these flimsy generic trash bags!
Grocery day me: Damn these Hefty bags are pricey!
Trash night me: Damn these flimsy generic trash bags!
Grocery day me: Damn these Hefty bags are pricey!
The swamp creature from the haunted lagoon?
Nope just me back from the gym
I was just talking about how stupid it is that we don’t use the metric system like the rest of the world! 😂😂
Me: I’ve got a preposition for you…
English teacher: I’m listening
You’ll use a different oven for the pizza, right? RIGHT?
I’m in pretty good shape for a grown man who believes the multivitamin I take every morning cancels out all the gas station food I eat.
whenever I watch shows like Love Island or Love Is Blind the first thing I think about is how they got that much annual leave
[Police station]
Me: “Not sure what why you guys arrested me. I guess I just have one of those faces. Huh.”
Cop: “That’s right buddy, and if we don’t get it back to the transplant center by noon, they won’t be able to operate. So hand it over, capiche?”
Sorry I’m late, I was combing granola bar out of my daughter’s hair for 25 minutes
It is a truth universally acknowledged that if two people are at Home Depot one of them is pissed about it.
Filming my own version of “Taken” using cats. My cat will play Liam Neeson and the red dot from a laser pointer is his daughter.
If you die on the toilet, you die in real life.
My aunt: [to my kid] You’ve gotten so big!
Me, quietly to myself: don’t say it, don’t say it, don’t say it…
My kid: So have you!
Me: There it is
I’m running out of lies to tell in confessional but it’s the only place I can sit in silence away from my kids.
584.
The grass looks greener on the other side because it’s fertilized with bullshit.
genie: you could end world hunger or all wars-
me: no i’m sure this is my wish
[elsewhere]
mcdonalds ceo: [sitting up in bed] we need to sell mcsoup
Are there a lot of first-person singular objective pronouns, or is it just me?
Me: Describe your love for me in one word.
Him: My what?
Getting all my homies to like my enemies bad tweets so they’re socially conditioned to tweet worse
[ cookout ]
Me: OMG this ketchup is amazing!
Host: yea yea we all know you brought the ketchup