My dad to me: When I was a kid, people would suffer paralysis and death from Polio.
Me to my son: When I was a kid, hand dryers barely did anything.
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my proudest moment has to be when I snuck into a frat party and didn’t kno any of the brothers but I knew they loved having foreign exchange kids at their events so I faked a british accent and said I was from southham(doesn’t exist) then ended up leavin with 2 handles of bacardi
Showed up to basic training wearing denim short pants.
I got jort-martialed
My favorite position in bed is getting off it for pizza
If I ever only have 3 months to live, I want my ex wife to be with me. That would be the longest 3 months of my life.
Worm: These early birds are decimating our population.
Other worm: I’ve developed some tech that’ll impede their early rising abilities.
Worm: What is it?
Other worm: I call it “a YouTube rabbit hole”
Zombie: Braaaains
Me: What’s the magic word?
Zombie:
Me:
Zombie:
Me:
Zombie (embarrassed): ᴾˡᵉᵉᵉᵉᵃˢˢˢᵉ
Who called it industrial espionage and not being a thief executive?
I lost my wife’s audiobook… and now I’ll never hear the end of it!
Wife: How many beers did you have while I was gone?
Me: Two.
4-year-old: It was nine.
Teaching her to count was a mistake.
DATE: so…this is your place?
ME: yea…not fancy but it suits me. *opens flap of bouncy house* oh, also do you mind taking off your shoes
The kids and I left the house on time this morning, so now I have to stop for coffee because I don’t have the adrenaline I usually get from running late
Bad: I saw my girlfriend’s name and number on a couple of men’s bathroom walls..
Worse: It was in her handwriting…
*Batman voice*
“I’m Batman.”*Wife voice*
“Go empty the dishwasher, Batman.”
“Excellent choice, sir. And what temperature would you like me to microwave your steak to?” – The Honest Applebees Server
“Do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life” yeah because I won’t be leaving my bed
Hadn’t tried on a pair of jeans since April. They weren’t distressed before but five minutes of wearing them and they were firing flares off into the sky.
“Take one pill on an empty stomach”
Me: What’s an empty stomach?
Rather than waste money on charity for the homeless, let’s invest in splicing their genes with snails so they always have their own shelter.
SF is the wild wild west man
we need to take away the covid variant naming rights from the nerds trying to make it sound cool
All animals are wild animals if you give them tequila and lift up their t-shirts.
Sometimes I look at my toast and wonder if Jesus is manifesting, or my toaster is channeling Charles Manson.
[lips on a snake]
WIFE: what are you doing?
ME: getting rid of the poison
WIFE: you’re supposed to suck your own bite
SNAKE: leave him alone
“Make it look like he had a happy little accident”
-Bob Ross, Mob Boss
me: I need to borrow a math textbook
librarian: edition?
me: and subtraction if you have it
My wife has gifted me a bath bomb that looks suspiciously like a toaster.
Sam can’t find a tennis ball, and wants me to throw this small rock. Ladies & gentleman, this is the face of addiction.
I can’t remember a time in my life when an update for Acrobat Reader wasn’t available.
I always get new followers when I’m asleep proving that people like me better when I’m not talking
I’ll usually order the chicken sandwich. I like my food to be more cowardly than I am.