My dad told me a guy who claimed to be the drummer for steppenwolf stole his wallet in the Sacramento airport so I pulled up a picture and he was like “wow that’s the guy”
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HER: I think we should break up
ME: But…why?
HER: I don’t know if it’s your terrible puns or the fact that you don’t “believe” in the color blue
ME {quietly to self}: Cyans fiction
HER: Or both
Rather than changing the clock on your oven simply cook your food an hour ago.
Me: Why does the neighbor always watch me while I’m gardening?
Her: He’s a paramedic.
I’ve got to start taking better care of myself. Tomorrow I’ll walk to the liquor store.
My parents: before you leave the house you should always go pee!
Me, as a kid:. No! I don’t need to go!
Me, in my 40’s: yeah I see what you mean!
me: [staring at myself in the mirror, trying to figure out who i truly am]
my reflection: soooooo what are we
If your drug dealer is on time, it’s a cop.
Me: Do you like my jeans?
Her: They’d look better on my floor 😉
Me: *laying down on the floor fully dressed* OK…so now?
Her: ….
Confuse your doctor by putting on rubber gloves at the same time he does.
My cat tried to knock over my TV this morning. WHY ARE MY BEST FRIENDS FIGHTING?!
Me: What’s the word for a female scientist?
Him: A scientist?
Me: No, a ‘ResearcHER,’ Haha get it?
Him: I get that we’re never going on a second date
My kids said they wanted to try something new this summer so I showed them how to vacuum & do laundry.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes
Netflix: Ok tell me one thing that happened in the last episode
Me: What?
Netflix: The guy with the mustache, what’s his name?
Me: Why are you being like this?
Netflix: *sadly* You’re always on that damn phone
[first day as a bartender]
Customer: gimme a scotch on the rocks
Me [scrunching towel into glass]: I know lemonade, I can do lemonade
When someone slings shit at me, I like to duck and let it hit the person stabbing me in the back.
me: what can I do to keep this plant alive?
google: give it to someone else
So it’s not a good idea to shoot finger guns at a man that’s driving an armored truck. I know that now.
When I was a kid I would say I’m whatever age and a half because I wanted to be older.
Now I say I turned 40 a few years ago.
how come we never get to click boxes of dinosaurs or volcanoes why is it always vehicles
MARIE ANTIONETTE: The peasants don’t have bread? Let them eat cake.
MY ANCESTOR, wiping cake and bread crumbs off his tunic: So, funny story, Queen…
I remember when a computer didn’t automatically connect to the internet, it used to make a screaming noise. We should have listened.
Close call…
I hate when I skip lunch and come home and inhale my kitchen
I came home to a trail of bread leading to the bedroom & of course I followed, only to find my husband in bed with 10 ducks. I’m heartbroken
An important part of parenting is teaching conflict resolution for example, when my kid unplugged my watch to charge his phone, I unplugged his phone and hid it.
To myself: ” Try and look like you know what you’re talking about in front of the mechanic. You’re a smart woman, don’t play dumb or you’re gonna get ripped off”
Me at the mechanic: “Car vroom sounds tikatikatika. Tee hee” *hands over credit card
Same pineapple, same
Shame on you if you’re still replying “damn” to selfies. Take a creative writing class.
As the cedars outside my window
swayed with the gentle autumn breeze,
I gazed upon your digital image, madam,
And my bowl of spaghetti fell to the floor
As, nearly, did I…
3: mom, you got a chicken I can use?
*attaches note to pigeon
*stuffs pigeon into envelope