Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[job interview]
“You wrote here your biggest weakness is not knowing what irony means.”
“Ironic isn’t it? Is it? I don’t know.”

therapist: next time someone ghosts you what are you going to do?

me: [singing] who you gonna call? ghostbusters

therapist: get out

DAVID BLAINE: *cracks open egg, butterfly flies out*

ME: cmon man

DB: *cracks open 2nd egg, 9 of clubs pops out*

ME: I’m so hungry, David

You people that are getting sex regularly either need to keep that shit to yourselves or be more descriptive.

I’m pretty confident I can perform this Appendectomy on myself.

Thanks YouTube

[job interview]

“So where do you see yourself in 5 years?”

Getting asked this question somewhere else

My 6yo fell over today because he was distracted by watching some construction work happening across the street and I didn’t even see how he fell because I was distracted by watching some construction work happening across the street

*travels to Tibet*
*scales Mount Makalu*
*finds sacred Guru on the summit*

Guru: We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.

[on the train]

Conductor: Ticket please

Me: *hands it over*

C: Lady this is a speeding ticket

M: *sighs* That’s why I’m on the train

I just ate my weight in baked potatoes so if anyone has been thinking about robbing my house, now is the time to do it. I’m not moving anytime soon.

[Confessional Booth]

Me: My favorite sins are sins of the flesh.

Priest: FAVORITE SINS?!

Me: Why are you yelling? And gluttony, gluttony is a close 2nd.

trying to cheat on my philosophy final by texting my friend who took it last year: “hey man, how ought one to live”

Facial recognition technology, but for me when I’m talking to people I’ve apparently met before.

Judge: So, you maintain that he took advantage of you?

Her: Yes Your Honor!

Judge: When did you realize this?

Her: When his check bounced

This is Manny. Every single time he chews on his ball, it goes flying out of his mouth. And every single time, he is surprised. 13/10

I told a second grader today I didn’t have a cell phone when I was his age and he looked at me sadly and said oh so you had a flip phone?

Shazam but for whether someone is mad at you

*fills the ice tray once*

I’M THE ONLY ONE WHO DOES ANYTHING IN THIS PLACE

me: why do you think my parents don’t love me?

therapist: they’re pretty clear about it in the group chat

me: the what

Of all the martial arts, karaoke inflicts the most pain.

There are two types of people in this world. Those who make fun of Wordle. And those who can solve a Wordle.

Post nuclear war:
A sterile and withered landscape. No vegetation or nourishment remains.

My refrigerator after a 14 year old boy comes home from school:
A sterile and withered landscape. No vegetation or nourishm—

Not to brag but I’ve never met a chicken wing I didn’t like.

This toddler just ran up to me in Target, crying for me to pick him up. I didn’t know what to do, so I did & he stopped crying, immediately. His mom then walks up to me & says, “Oh my gosh, I’m so sorry sir. But you look just like his daddy” 💀.

your elf on the shelf was delicious

I thought you guys said carnival diet, not carnivore diet. I’ve been living off of corn dogs and elephant ears for the last 3 months and I feel like absolute shit.

[last meal on death row]

“Pepper?”

*nods*

“Say when”

*winks to camera*

Therapist: so… that’s not a metaphor? you literally live in a maze?

Minotaur: well yeah, I- wait is that bad? why are you writing

Married girls are so lucky. They can post anything they want on here because they already tricked some dumb guy into marrying them.

She blocked me on everything, she must wanna see me in person