My dad told me a guy who claimed to be the drummer for steppenwolf stole his wallet in the Sacramento airport so I pulled up a picture and he was like “wow that’s the guy”
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Our “safe place” during a tornado is a bathroom in the center of our house.
Kids in the tub, me sitting on the toilet, my husband and my ex-husband who had stopped by just before the tornado, all crammed into this tiny space.
Ex-husband: I really hope this isn’t the way I go.
Son: Mom, set a 30-minute timer on your phone.
Me: Okay.
[30 minutes later]
Son: What keeps beeping??
Me: I have no idea
Me: have a good day make good choices!
My kid: no promises!
Me: everything happens for a reason
Her: can I get your number?
Me: I don’t believe in “accidents”
Her: I’ll also need your insurance
This girl told me that eating a cake is the best way to calm you down.
I bet she never tried smashing it over someone’s face.
If you hold a cat by the tail you learn things you cannot learn any other way.
Neat! according to this Walgreens blood pressure monitor, i should have died in 1998
running feels great unless you compare it to not running
Yeah but how do misinformed people feel about it?
Boeing astronauts racking up that sweet overtime.
A few years back a guy in law school asked me how much for a foot massage and being the idiot I am, thought he was asking how much I paid for reflexology so I said “I pay $50 plus a tip but my guy is booked for the next 3 months” and he didn’t talk to me again until 2L year
Cooking a roast dinner is much better than having one cooked for you, because you can eat pretty much a whole extra serving while you’re making it. For instance, I just “tested” three roast potatoes. Next I’m going to test a Yorkshire pudding.
(Speaking to 7 year old)
Lying is wrong. Now go tell them you’re 6 so we can board the flight early.
[office meeting]
BOSS: Printer ink is costing us a ton. Any ideas on how to cut costs?
SQUID: *looks up from phone* Why y’all lookin’ at me?
I shouted at my kid so he told me I wasn’t his best friend anymore and, honestly, I was gobsmacked I had even been in the running.
Nine months from now — when there’s a baby boom in Hawaii — you’ll know who took the incoming missile warning seriously.
My girlfriend hates the music I listen to while I drive, but I’ve found the perfect loophole to keep my favorite songs on. You say, “Babe, this one really reminds me of you.”
Wish I was a duck. Just chillin in a park all day, maybe go for a swim. Oh what’s that? People wanna feed me? Hell yeah
Hide and seek but only they forget to look for you.
Them:
Me: damn I picked a good spot.
Weighing your giraffe: a guide:
1) Become VERY strong
2) Weigh yourself
3) Weigh yourself again, holding your giraffe
4) Subtract figure one from figure two
Me: I don’t have a fear of the unknown.
Also me: *stepping on something wet* OH MY GOD! What is that?! Why is it wet?!
[i wake up confused]
KIDNAPPER: youll never guess where we are!
ME: [observing floor tile pattern] this is a Dennys bathroom
KIDNAPPER: shit
My mom says she hates boxed wine because she can’t tell how much she’s drank. I’m glad I got her eyes instead of her sensibility.
Be the person nobody was prepared to deal with.
DID YOU KNOW: If you don’t eat animal products, you will take it out on everyone else forever?
Personal trainer: So what’s your goal?
Me: I wanna look good in pictures that I’m not the one taking
due date
Daughter: Dad, can I have some Kit Kat for my snack tonight?
Me: Absolutely not
D: Why?
M: Because I said so
D: Because you ate them?
M: Yes
So my dog’s pregnant & she’s never been in contact with another dog & I’m having a lot of accusations thrown my way.
Finally, an explanation.
