Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Parenting little kids is mostly saying “please eat” or “do NOT put that in your mouth”

I ate an entire pound of blueberries today so honestly I hope some oxidants try to step to me I’ll send them crying to their mommies

Climate: Hey
Me: You’ve changed

My CW said not to drink cows’ milk cuz we’re not cows so now I get why she drinks almond milk-she’s nuts.

Is it a good sign when your therapist keeps saying Ka-Ching?

i don’t care if it will “benefit our community” stacy. i’m not gonna take off this garfield costume

me: I’m broke

therapist: wait, do you mean emotionally or you can’t pay me?

me: emotionally

therapist: *sigh of relief* ok thank god

Do you ever eat a mint and then take a sip of cold water and it hurts your teeth and then all your teeth fall out and they form a pentagram on the floor and the lights shut off and your ears start ringing and the ringing turns into an explosive roar

Sorry baby I can’t open the car door for you you have to jump through the window. There’s a price to pay for being cool.

Mafia boss: “I want him swimming with the fishes!”

*later at the coral reef*

Me: “This is amazing!”

Mafia boss: “Anything for you.”

I just broke two of my dad’s old Queen Records. Now I want to break three.

Weird how the paranormal investigators always assume the ghosts speak English.

Nobody plays better together than siblings being told it’s bedtime

[bakery]

me: I want to hide in a cake for my wife’s birthday

clerk: ok what about this one

me: yeah nice nice and she definitely won’t find me?

Leonardo DiCaprisun

Date: *reading menu* anything pop out at you?

Me: I don’t think it’s that kind of book

Last night I slept for 8 hours straight, and then for 2 hours gay.

In six days god created heaven and earth. On the seventh day, in the interests of balance, the bbc interviewed satan.

TURTLE: hey, you carry your house around too!
HERMIT CRAB: i do. where’d you find yours?
T: i was born with it
HC: *scoff* ok princess

Start out each day with a healthy serving of ants. Which is no ants. Don’t put ants in your mouth

Everyone thinks they won’t be that couple that goes from ‘everything you do is a turn on’ to ‘you’re breathing too loud’ but they will be, oh they will be

*1st dinner date*

Me: waiter, can I get the bill-

Her: I love sophisticated guys

Me: I mean *coughs* waiter can I get the… william?

[returning toothpaste]

Yeahhh, this didn’t hold my husband’s teeth together at all.

Me: is this dishwasher safe?

Nurse: *taking back baby* absolutely not

Good neighbors never bother you.

Great neighbors don’t call the cops when you pass out naked on their lawn.

I have two options:
1) go and pick up my son from after school club and get absolutely soaked in the rain.
2) leave him there for the weekend.

One time I was at the beach and swam past the buoy because the life guard didn’t blow his warning whistle and I almost drowned. When I got back I yelled at him but then he asked me out and I was like whatever Brad! You can pick me up at 8!

4yo: What do you love most in the world?
Me: You & your brother
4yo: Oh
Me: What about you?
4yo: The fire tree in Plants vs. Zombies
Me: Oh